Rockstar Wannabee

Ya know
how you can
get bored with
your current life?

Like now
it's Sunday night
10.30 pm and
I am already
bummed by
needing to go
to my boring job
tomorrow

I should be
traveling around
the world
having MY summertour
instead of reading Hers

Staying at a different
city almost every night
losing track on what
city you fell asleep in
and which you're waking
up in

blowing roofs off
with an outstanding
audience
I need to do what I do best
entertain people
feel comfortable
and be at home as soon
my boots hit the stage

somehow it's in me
and I had the chance
I was kept back
by several people

still in my head
sometimes
I dream of how
it should be
my rocking heart
is rocking hard

© AngelZpublishing 2006

I am not in bed alone tonight........

A lot of people
don't like it
when they've
animal company
in the bedroom
or on the bed even

it comforts me
like tonight
when I feel
lonely again

my littlest
black kitty
is snuggling up
next to me
and when I
reach out my
hand

her little sounds
of enjoyment
are loud and
filling
grateful for my
touch

rolling on her
back
with four paws
raised up in
the air
practical begging
me to pet her
and rub her tummy

to all these purring
sounds the boys
respond too
and come check out
where all the good
sounds are coming from

the boys end up
on the footend
of the bed
on the special
blanky I have for
them there

I don't like the
hair in my bed either
but I sure
appreciate
the company

I am not in bed alone tonight....

© AngelZpublishing 2006

I won, I won!!!

Me an my girl
we talk about
what we miss most
ofcourse we miss
eachother most of all
but they're other things too

I miss our son
in the first place
the tickle fights
the hugs and his giggle
the mad face he gives me
when I tell him to do stuff
and he doesn't want to
but there is more I miss,

Like I miss the
wideness of Minnesota
the cornfields,
the awesome cream corn,
cinnamon roles (yummy)
the best orange pop in
the world and Frappucinos
at starbucks

I miss the long rides
the feeling of being
in the middle of nowhere
the peace and quiet
and the walks along
the Mississippi river

my girl misses
the family we have here,
my brother's family
the giggley kids
but also,

frikandelen special (Dutch delicious)
garlic sauce and chocolate sprinkles
the culture
and the shopping

but most of all
she misses my cooking
especially my version
of Mac and Cheese
so when I told her tonight
I had Mac and Cheese
for dinner she started
" OMG I miss your
Mac and Cheese the most"
then she reminded something
and the follow up was
Ofcourse I miss you more.....

so I WON!! I won from
Mac and Cheese,
(didn't know we're competing)
but yay I won!! I won!!
good saving by the way baby
(grin)

© AngelZpublishing 2006

Patience.......

We're pushing it hard and it's getting tough
on both of us.
lots of new impressions, information
and carrier moves

but the countdown is going
not fast enough but going
this part is always emotional and tough
for some reason

the being without eachother
and this time longer then
we've ever been before
and there is so much love

today when we're (us the musketeers)
having our walk over, to whatever
we want for lunch that day
I was on the phone with my girl
just for a few minutes

and my musketeers even
saw a change in
facial expression right away
I scrugged my shoulders
and mumbled
well ya guys know I am in Love

It's funny to see
how people can see the love
we feel for eachother
on the expression of our face

still inside there is an
almost uncontrollable pain
tears pushed back,
and emptiness and hollowness
that only my girl can fill

I know we will be together soon
and she will fill up
that hole in my heart
for now we just keep pushing it,
pushing it hard,
Patience..........

© AngelZpublishing 2006

Mister sleep

This has been a while
talking to my girl this
late

Ive noticed it's
hard for me
to catch up
with mister sleep
without her voice
on the other side of the
phoneline

she is on a businesstrip
not controlling her own
agenda, so what to do

waiting for her sweet voice
so I can win this race
from mister sleep.

© AngelZpublishing 2006

Summer Tour Blog information

I got infected with the idea
of making a summer blog
this year too

it will be sorta like some famous
girl and her wife are doing
I mean one is pregnant
the other one rocks

but were so alike we both rock
none of us is pregnant but were still pretty
funny to seeso I got up with
the idea

when my girl
is working and Ill be there to
take care of her and the little man
it will be kinda alike

so to keep all of
our "fans" satisfied I will write
a summer"tour" blog
too, It has to wait for another
34 days
but it will be there
just to let you know

© AngelZpublishing 2006

On request

Tequila our kitty too
Trabbol our kitty
DAKOTA our puppy

a request for pictures

well here they all are

our kitties and puppy

If I only could.........

If I only could,
crawl to this
webcam and
touch your
angelface

If I only could
just pack up
all I have and
move to be
with you

If I only could
just reach out
and hold your
hand

If I only could
wake up
with your warm
body against mine

If I could only.......

© AngelZpublishing 2006

Murphy's Law

You know how
stuff never
gets broken
just by one thing?

how things happen
always in a three way?
the truth about
Murphy's Law?
It's so on me
these days

things that got broken:

one-my bike
two- vacuum cleaner
three- cell phone

things that went wrong:

one- food poisoning
two-grumpy little old me
three- kinda fight with my girl

things I missed out on this weekend

one- BBQ with my parents (no way with foodpoisoning)
two- A night out on the town with a friend from Amsterdam
three- A night out on the town with a friend from the south

see?
no one ever can tell me that
Murphy's law
is all in my head
I know for sure
it all comes
in a three way

you know,
stuff never gets
broken just by
one thing at the time..........

© AngelZpublishing 2006

Shitty Thursday

I think everybody
got those,
once in a while at least,
a fricken shitty day

I hate those,
but even for me
they don't pass
my frontdoor
when they're moving
along for a good bug

this morning
one of those knocked
on my frontdoor
I tried to keep
the door closed,
guess that didn't work

the fricken thing
hopped on my bike
and hitchhiked
with me on my
way to work

and the fricken
shitty day
stayed with me
all day long
even when I wasn't
very nice company today

I've noticed the
harder you try to
shake it
the tighter it
will hold you

and even when
I got the giggles
for a little while
having coffee break
with my fellow musketeers

as soon as my foot
hit the first step
of the stairway up
it jumped my back
and got along for the ride

tomorrow I will keep
my frontdoor locked
I don't care who is banging,
tomorrow it's someone
else it's turn

I think everybody
got those,
once in a while atleast
a fricken shitty day

© AngelZpublishing 2006

A summer buzz

As the countdown
of going home
is going
slowly but surely

the talks about
where I go
become more and more
and people want
to know what
it's like

when I describe
the area I go home to
the summer buzz
is playing my
stomach

it's like having
the butterfly feeling
but different
when I close my
eyes and see

the place that
I really call home
I can feel my
eyes light up
knowing my girl
is there

but also the peace
the closeness to nature
knowing the
Mississippi is
always going to be
there

the wideness
the silence
when you stand
outside at night
looking at that huge
moon
or watching stars

I can dream
about that while
telling other people
trying to put a
picture in their head

knowing I will be
home in 38 days
gives me the
summer buzzzzzzzzz

© AngelZpublishing 2006

she and Her.........

Tonight my girl
is going to see her,
my favorite
singer all time

I should be there
but she will fill
me in with the
energy she gets
later and make
me share

she will call me
in the middle of
the night
and wake me up
with a rock concert
but it will be worth it

there are only
two people
who can fill me
with that much
joy and energy
my girl and her

you would say
you'll be tired
while leaving
a rock concert
and exactly that
is her amazing power

she gives her audience
her energy
she interacts
plays, teases
seduces all those
people with a simple
touch of a string

a raised eyebrow
or a devilish smile
on the right moment
in the song

I wish I could
share it with my
baby in the flesh
but that's the good
stuff about our
relationship
even so far apart
I can feel it

her excitement
her energy
her happiness
her love...........

© AngelZpublishing 2006

I read a lot of blogs........

I read a lot of blogs
from a lot of totally
different people
my lover, a friend
my rockstar and her wife
the bandmembers

and one moves me
touches my heart
lifts me up
and set me down
on a cloud of love

the other tickles
my heart
makes me laugh
out loud all by myself
and fills my bedroom
with my laughter

like this one
its so typical
she is pregnant with
twins, and on
summer tour with
her rockstar wife

Tammy wrote:

"I know we aim for Austin tonight after the show.
And then I think it's Dallas, but I am not sure.
I have no idea where we're going, but we are on our way.
Right about now I start fogging out on where we are,
where we've been, and what the hell to pack for the overnight suitcases.
Add to that Placenta Brain (ie: brain farts all the time
and what you get is a suitcase full of clean socks and dirty tshirts for a two day stay in Columbus."

amazing how some
one you've never met
someone you think
you know
cuz you would like to

and be amazed by the
talent of the one
she choose to spend
her life with

can crack me up
makes me laugh out
loud in the middle
of the night
when my headache is bad
and my bed is empty
I read a lot of blogs.........

© AngelZpublishing 2006

In beloved memory of auntie Rita

Today
Cancer got one
of my family members
my aunt died this morning
early and by herself

she wasn't much of
a family person
the last couple of years
she wandered
around the mall
a lot by herself

and guess she was
happy that way
she never called
or invited us over
it was an aunt
that you would see
at Christmas

still I have a lot
of memories
she was the funstarter
the one who made us kids
do our performances
at grandma's house
on sunday afternoons

the one that did our
make up
and gave us a scarf
to push us through
the doorway
onto "the stage"

the one that announced us
by clapping her hands
and tell everybody to hush
while we stood there
frozen and with a shy smile
waiting for what she
expected from us

she wanted to be alone
the last couple of years
I always thought
she used up all her joy
in the years my
grandmother still lived
on performing
and dancing

this morning she died
cancer got her
ate her body away
she wasn't sick for
very long
it went fast they say

Today
Cancer got one
of my family members

© AngelZpublishing 2006

in memory of tante rita

Hidden pain

The hidden pain
like everybody
I have little pains
once in a while
you complain
about them
and then forget
as fast as those pains
come up

but some do worry me
like the shooting one
in my shoulder running through
to my head
making it unable for me
to hold what ever I am holding
I broke a lot of glass that way

like the one in my ribs
I got 3 ribs broken
once I came out the closet
long story and long time ago
but the pain is, when I am tired,
or getting tired, still here
making me feel like
someone is still punching
me in the ribs
making it hard to breath

and now this headache
holding me inside for almost
a week now,
making it hard to write, work
or talk and makes me feel
like a vampire
NO light, get me out the light.....

the worst pain is the one
in my chest,
the pain of missing her
of missing her touch
and her arms around me
that's the most hidden pain
course people do not understand
even though they tell you they do
but in moments like this
when your hiding your pain
you know they don't........
they don't see and I don't show
the hidden pain.

© AngelZpublishing 2006

The man with the hammer

It's been a while
lots has happened at
the same time
nothing has really changed

had an exotic lasagna (write about that later)
A party at work,
An awesome blog my girl wrote
and the man with the hammer
he hit me today

He has been banging
inside my head
for a couple of weeks now
but today
he walked up to me
at work

stopped behind me
and without me seeing
him coming
he slammed his hammer
in the back of my head
and left it there

I had to go home
one of the good ones
drove me home by car
thank god for good people
I told her and all she said
"If you do good you get good
you're one of the sweet ones yourself
so I am happy I can do this for you
even tho you don't feel good I am sorry
for that" all I could think was
good people, good people

while I was feeling
that cold steal hammer
in the back of my head
taking out my eye vision
and somehow controlling
my stomach

I stumbled up the stairs
fell down on the bed
and fell asleep
as soon as I hit the bed
totally out cold

about two hours later
I could see again
in the dark, no light
please no light
my hand reaching
for the back of my head
slowly coming back to my senses
realizing that the hammer is still there........

© AngelZpublishing 2006

A chaotic mind.....

My girl,
she always makes
me smile in a way
no one else can

when we're spending
hours on the phone
going through stuff
she can't find
me giving directions

while thousands miles
apart, telling her where
to look for stuff
she can't find

the frustration
in her voice
when she realizes
she has a chaotic mind
asking herself
"what did I do with it?"
over and over

the sigh of relief
when she finally finds
what she was looking for
the sighs of
"baby I need you here,
to help me get through
this crap!"
It makes me smile,
feel needed

bring some organization
in my girl's mind
on the other side of the
big pond
to hear the sound of
her sweet voice

with a chaotic mind.

© AngelZpublishing 2006

A young men's kiss

It has been a while,
except for a brothers kiss,
well hell like forever
but yesterday
I got a young men's kiss

on the cheek,
don't get me wrong
still very very gay
and very very in love
with my sweetheart

a talk at work
on how amazing
a people connection
a click between people
can be
the energy that can
be released even at work

in my innocence
I shared my blog
at work
young people,
nice young people
where moved by
my writing

energy exploded
I guess I touched them
straight in the heart
the young men was moved
in that way
that he thanked me
for sharing
in the way it felt right

he kissed me,
on the cheek
by that gesture
I was moved
in the way the
young people were........
I got a young men's kiss.

© AngelZpublishing 2006

State of mind..........

So tired of waiting
tears rolling down
my cheeks
can't hold the tears
back any more

so tired of being
all by myself
feeling lonely
and bored
can't hold the tears
back any more

so tired of missing
my sweetheart
her arms around me
can't hold the tears
back any more

so tired.........Can't hold the tears
back any more...........

© AngelZpublishing 2006

Sleep

As tiredness dazzles
my head
feeling drunk
and body slow
and heavy

my brain seems
to find the energy
to send the message
to my fingers
and type the words

body slow and heavy
while warm and almost
sweaty
the summersun
heated up this room
and is baking me

eye balls almost
popping
brain screaming
for some rest
but fingers keep
going putting
useless words
to fill this
emptiness

waiting for
the dark warm
save blanket
to wrap me up
and sweep me
of my conscience's

make my body and
mind float on a sea
of darkness
where my body
and mind find
totall peace

sleep.............

© AngelZpublishing 2006