A new rollercoaster.........

Wow, what's happening with me
so much going on in my life, feelings,
loneliness, darkness....winterdepression?
can I pass?
I'm somewhat confused, health issues
 nothing majore but some stuff is holding me back
from working out hard....that doesn't help me

I need the endorphine and adrenaline
not working out makes me lazy and tired
crabby and crying.
I'm strong and beautiful
I love life........ugh...I'm trying
can't blame a girl for trying!

me a girl with an opinion and more friends
in foreign countries than i have closer to home
which is weird, don't you think?
I'm a marshmallow by heart
some things hit me hard, friendship, animal suffering
some things i couldn't care less, people who get hurt
by their own stupidity i couldn't care less

Matters of the heart............
unspoken things...........they hit me hard
and hunt me...........when things can't be resolved
or are not said, that gets under my skin,
and burn......

Be good, Be love.....

inspirational

New people, meet the old ones again
better friendships, more intense but loving
im careful, I don't trust easily
but trust my soul to reconize another good one

new music
inspirational, new body
thats how it feels anyway
worked hard
I rather die fast than ever lived slow....
wow........
it's alright............

I feel sorry.............for them...........

where to start, changes in life
im still waiting
loneliness is trying to get to me
opening my heart for the good ones
trying to trust, get stabbed
promises never held
broken, bruised, lied to and used....

heartbreak, tears and questions
words never spoken
hanging in my head and in my heart
silent, killing, wondering and wandering
worked hard to become the change,

for some you never do....
they hold on to the past
and keep their mind in the wrong place
pulling others with, but they don't know
the truth, the feelings, the love, the struggle,
sorry for them, they stay narrow minded
i pitty them for not growing
for not seeing the truth out there
for not seeing the real person

for missing out on a real heart
for the truth
I pitty them

it's fall....

It's fall,
not just outside,
it feels like fall in my heart,
heavy tears keep falling
just when your life can't be any better
the univers hits you with something
something hard, and brings you back
back to reality back to being humble


Fall............tears..........
feel unwelcome, unwanted, lonely, stabbed,
left alone and lost

Overrated

You know how sometimes,
stuff can feel so overrated?
like work? we work to live don't
live to work.........
health.......so NOT overrated
Love.........so NOT overrated
but sometimes made so not important by others

like a boss who wants to know what you are
doing at the doctors office....does it matter to you?
it's none of your bussiness but still..........
I don't know, i had some struggles the last
two weeks with health problems
nothing majore but really inconveniënt and painful

even got in a fight at work to defend my own health
really? how can anyone even judge how you are feeling
and why you decide to go home or not go home?
is it really up to any one else than yourself?

I'm one of the "little people" meaning i work for a boss
that breaths down my neck at times
I don't care, not anymore anyway.
I am good at what I do, and she needs me
so i couldn't care less if she yells at me
I yell back without fear

that is appreciated and excuses are made
many times this week
 it happens, we're all human
with emotions, health and love
with issues and little aches and pains

it is what it is...
don't overrate care, love, health or happiness!!

be good, be love

Natural palet of colors.............

Clouds and rain.........we're going back to fall
it can be beautiful colorfull and loving
rough rainy windy and tough
live feels like fall

leaves are falling to never come back
but make space for new
in a while,
work through it,
breath........enjoy the beauty, the peeking sun
enjoy the rain, don't just get wet
be amazed by the beauty, colorfull
a palet that can only be painted by mother nature

I'm waiting for peaceful winter or loving summer again

I got

I got sunshine....:-)

Friends...........

Lol friends..........they tell you when to jump of a cliff and expect you to do it also......
in blind trust..........some do, some don't............one of my best friends told me....
G... the picture on your blog.....it's just not you any more............your hair has grown....
your face is different now you lost 70 lbs.....you need to change it...........so.....I did.....
not sure if I'm happy with this picture...it's small feel like you can hardly see me at all....
but...it's me lol.......happy in sunlight with my ever lasting glasses on........(she will probably comment about that) I can hear her NJ accent in my head......hmmmppfff you Ass I still can't see your eyes!!
But I know she'll be happy that my dimples show lol......(am I right buttface?)
My baby....loves to look into my eyes.....without sharing........so for her.....this picture is perfect lol
Let's see what the comments are going to be...........once my overseas friends wake up.....

Be good, Be love....

Summerhead

Summerhead,
I know I am someone who loves love
loves to take in the summersun
feel it caressing my skin,
she makes me happy,
feel loved,
special and warm

Love,
between people
adults,
kids,
pet and owner,
friends,
I never stay silent
"my" people know
every single one
know how much they mean to me
No matter how short we know each other
how intense a click can be,

my love is out there
People know,
I tell,
I share,
I feel,
I love,
Love with all my heart
every single person
every single time
one more than another
never less than yesterday
tomorrow always more than today

share your love
and tell,
be a good friend, a lover, a wife
care, and love..........

Love............

Be good, Be love.........

Wanna

Wanna
touch,
feel,
smell,
kiss
be,
in love,
and I love you

Be good, Be Love........

lost............

one of little songs that can actually make me cry..........

Anouk - Lost

If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn’t my heart
Meant for you
My hands longing to touch you
I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt,
Right in front of me

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I’ll be found

His music is irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
Guess you heard it all before
Mr. inaccessible 
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You’re still a picture in a frame


Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I’ll be found
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That’s where I’ll be found
Yeah yeah

Lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
Whoa………

(c) Anouk

Love me more..........

Friends, love, cry, hate, kick, hug
sometimes something not as good turns into something good.
A lost friend returns to you, and the friendship is more real than it ever was...
A hurt love...loves you more than ever before...........the sun is finally coming out from the clouds
my smile is brighter and bigger I feel more loved than I did before...
and it brings friends............good people to gather around me...........
And love.........love..........oh amazing warm loving love............

Universe

My universe is different

I feel different,

I look different,

I am approached different

and I approach different

more energy, going

on going and going

talking working, working out

and it's working

people are picking up on it

taking my energy

and giving it back

harder, more, larger and more intense

my luck has changed,

I can feel it.

I smile to the universe

and smile some more.....

it's working

it's finally working

feeling great,

loving,

loved,

energized

giving

giving

giving....more.....

Be good be love

It will be me.......

If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin’ it’ll be alright
It will be me

If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me

If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me

Oh how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Past the ever after there’s a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I’ll be there for you

In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me...

Melissa Etheridge

Roundtrip

When snakes meet liars and fakes....sigh

what a war, inside and out, not caring, puking a bit

letting the sunshine in,

trying to get to the knife in your back

and pull it out, realizing you need another friend

than the one that put it there, to get it out....

thank god for having plenty of those,

and love...definite love.......to rely, fall back on and trust...

to find peace and comfort and love......

Be good be love.........

life is a funny thing...........

Life isn't easy, it wasn't meant to be either

but why do people tend to make it even harder for you?

is that your own fault cuz you let those people control it?

or..........I don't know, is it the expectation thing again?

Some people just come with the "package"so to speak

don't they know they have no saying? don't they understand

at some point they cross the line?

Am I letting them cross the line? and what is the line anyway?

Geesh at 42 I thought i had alot of answers already

but life keeps handing me more questions every day.

it's good it keeps me challanged, focussed and wondering

thinking about life, people, love, expectations of life and love

I am a thinker, sometimes i act without thinking at all

and mostly that bites me in my ass, I learn from it, try to restore,

rebuild or fix it and move on. with a smile or a tear

both they come with life.

At days I am a writer, I put my thoughts in this blog

and share it with whomever.

somtimes i put it in a picture and share that with friends

more than often i put it in a spoken word and bore the hell out of my friends

but once in a while, I find myself staring into nothing,

really just sitting and thinking.

I never thought i was the type for that but appearently

when something is really bothering me, it can even shut me up....

like today, I have one of those "reflection"days just thinking,

writing, listening to music, being inspired, smile and think.

and overthink the time goes by and i loose track of time.

I am in my dreamy reflecting myself day time.

not relaxing, not tense, just thinking of answers followed by more questions...

life is a funny thing, so is my brain.....:-)

Girls who make me happy...

Awwww, warmth, love, warm wind, seaguls, icecream, bike rides, shorts, flipflops, laughter, music, sand sand sand....summer is right around the corner.
I'm so happy she came along with spring and they left their brothers fall and winter at home!
I knew there was a reason why i prefer girls!
Summer she makes my eyes twinkle, sun she makes my skin warm and soft and spring makes me long for them both!!!
:-)  Be love, Be good!

:-)

Well....this is it....

it's spring :-)

Happy happy happy spring

and like nature got the go

flowers popping up everywhere!

Sun is shining, skies are blue, it feels good!

Feel like I'm shaking off a blanket

that kept me down way too long.

body is changing, mind is also

my smile is back! and I love smiling!

keeping some doors open for friends to pop back in

they can close it behind them if not. my heart has healed

and the sun is telling me it's all going to be good!

Life is good, going to be better and I am going to fukin enjoy it!

No one is going to hold me down, back or ruin it for me.

If your friends don't throw you a party, make one yourself

life is too freaking short not to enjoy!

Welcome spring, I am happy your back I missed you bunches!

Singing my song

I sang so many songs

how sad I would be

living life without you

I walked around in fear

looking for the pain

so I could sing the blues

I pretended to be bad ass

but now when it really doesn't go well with me

I can handle it better than i thought

I dreamt of nights

wandering the streets

searching my lost soul

and now my friend,

u left me standing alone

I don't know what I did wrong

Now I really miss you

the way I always said I would

I can't write it any more intense

Or sing it with more soul

I miss you

A joke is only funny

when you don't see it coming

misery you can handle better

when you laugh about it

sorrow makes you stronger

and is bareable if you caused it yourself

the blues isnt as bad

if you have someone to share it with

Now I really miss you

the way I always said I would

I can't write it more intense

Or sing it with more soul

I miss you

2myStalker

dear stalker,

I don't like you,

I don't appreciate you,

I don't know you,

I don't like your calls

I don't like your msgs

I don't like your style

I don't want to know you

I don't like you

so dear stalker knock it off

or i'll kick your ass!!! (thanks cindy chick)

friendship is an illusion

Lost a friend, although she claimed to be a friend for a while.
I wanted her to be a friend, I cared for her dearly
supported her through a part of her journey of dedication.
Tried to be there as much as I could, patient and understanding
sometimes hard, confused and demanding.
I don't take shit from anyone, especially not from someone
who doesn't prove to be worth my endless friendship.

But for some reason I did from her.
It stings and is painful cuz I opened my heart for her

and I don't do that quickly or easily.

But she put me down, put her foot on my heart and crushed it

with convincion and dedication, crushed it cracked it and stepped on it again,

and left me there.

I got an empty spot in my heart for her, but it will heal in time.

this friendship was an illiusion,

My friend, you be good, I wish you

all the best and all that life can offer you.

Be good, Be love......(if you'll ever know how)

15 locks

how can it be?

that some of us can't give up on love,

and some throw it away like it never excisted.

is that the difference between true love,

and a crush? or a fling?

I just don't understand

I don't love easy or quickly

I have 15 locks on the door of my heart

it takes alot to unlock all of them and it's an heavy door

it takes alot to even open it.

IF you get it done, it means you are with me for life.

I do warn people for that!

I don't give up or strike out easy...call it hard headed...

I just know love and care, friendship and dedication.
I know what it means to get hurt, feel lost, be left and be loved

to strike out, fight and struggle. love with everything you got and still get hurt.

I know dedication, i know true love,

I know faith, know and practice it every day with my complete being.
I don't take it lightly when i get a promise, I don't promise quickly and when I do,

I mean it, and stick to it untill it gets dissmissed...

My friend.....

I feel an empty spot in my heart,

u, used to b there, sit there and just be.

Or made me laugh so hard that I could almost explode.

Or made me cry so hard I thought i would never overcome.

Or make me listen to your stories and adventures that I held my

breath so long, I almost bursted.

Or give me an ear full that made me think about my life

really hard.

It's still reserved for you, but I don't think

u will ever show to fill it up again.

I miss you my friend, I miss you...

Love was it ever meant to be easy?

Love was never meant to be easy............

but how do you u handle a complete struggle?

Not willing to give it up, that just isn't me.

But how do you know when you're are fighting on your own?

what are the signs?

and why am I blinded for them?

my instincts are never wrong.........why are they now?

why do I turn into goo?

Me?

the strong?

loving caring, you looking at me huh huh huh? tough loving chick? why?

am I being a leo? and wanting what I can never have?

running after someone so hard, that the someone can't do anything else than run away?

I need my oceans and mountains again! fresh cool air to clear my head, get this fog out.

meanwhile struggling, trying to understand..............me, myself and love.......

love was never meant to be easy................

??

did you ever heard your own heart breaking?

have to................

It's calling me, from the inside

A need, a want, a craving, a must

my eyes bright and wide open

my mind cloudy and foggy

the wanting, needing

and loving, lungs in pain for the fresh air

heart beating fast, blood running just by thoughts....

sun warming my face, containing me to this place

my instincts running wild needing to get out,

wind blowing and cleaning my mind....

I have to,

have to have to have to have to.................

Sleep

After your laughter like thunder

after your skin like coffee and cream

after it takes our bodied into the night

after we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder

just inside your arm

I want to listen to your heart beat

your breathing on and on

I want to lay down on your shoulder

surrender to your peace

and go to sleep

After we've gone a million miles

made true our dreams with sweat and bone

after we've built it up with our bare hands

made strong a place we can call home

and when the light in my eye is fading

when running water becomes too deep

finally angels turn my fire to dust

and when my soul's no longer mine to keep

I want to lay down on your shoulder

just inside your arm

I want to listen to your heart beat

and your breathing on and on

I want to lay down on your shoulder

surrender to your peace

and just go to sleep...........

-Melissa Etheridge- Sleep- breakdown.