I ain't scared anymore

Life changed, a long journey a "new" body,  losts, three losses,

Of cancer, dementia and Alzheimer, blow after blow. But I am stronger, taking it in. Absorb, shake it off, open your mind. Clear, empty and breath. 

So this is how its like, absorbing everything you need to learn, carry, undergo, breath, think learn and let go. 

I am not scared any more,

I am empowered. 

Silence

The older you get, the more quiet, 

No need to speak out.

No need to worry or scream about stuff that doesn't matter.

Peace in heart and mind sometimes makes me shiver of lonely happiness. 

The silence makes me peaceful, think adjust and embrace. 

You see young people being loud about things that are tiny and insignificant in my eyes, to them it's a riot, a must, a priority to respond. 

I let them and smile in silence.

Getting older does make you milder, more quiet, wiser, and more peaceful.

Getting older makes the silence safe and trustworthy. 

Silence....

Joe, my dear Boy

Joe, My dear boy,

12 weeks since you left, since you crossed the huge bridge, and met all kinds of friends on the other side. 

3 months, out playing with toys and balls and are running free without pain. 

I don't blame you for leaving, I don't blame 

you for playing and running pain free.

I don't blame you for not contacting me. I do miss you tho.

The last weeks even more than before.

My soul connection to you is even stronger.

I am happy you are happy, but boy how I miss you at my side.

At my feet at the dining table.

Your soft ears in my hands and your faitfull eyes when I feel down and out.

And boy how you broke my heart when I felt your heartbeat fading and your breathing slow down.

Not on purpose and definitely not cause you wanted to.

You just were my heart, my life my best friend my everything.

My whole being was about you.

And you left a void, and you are missed. Your frenz down here miss you too. Some still come look for you.

But I am happy you are happy and playing.

I haven't received your package yet, "the other one for loving" but I am sure it will come soon. 

If I could choose, I would rather have you come home.

I do understand that's not a choice, sometimes it is the way it is. 

But some day when the time is right, I will come to you and stay by your side 

and we can have long walks again. 

Till then I will miss you, but always love you. And only see you in my dreams.

And enjoy you little messages.

Be a good boy my sweet Joe.

Go and play,

Love, Mom.

Xmas dream

Woke up this morning with a smile on my face.

While not being up for a different love, or meeting people,

I had this nice dream,

Meeting a woman that swept me,

Long dark brown hair, greenish bright eyes, tall and a generous smile.

In my dream all of a sudden she stood before me, looked me straight in my eyes, smiled and swept me.

She turned, walked away, stopped, considered, turned back around, pushed herself into me and kissed me, long but gentle.

Smiled, and said, let's start our life together and be happy!

Uhmm ok!!!

I woke up with a smile.

Long time ago that I woke up happy. 

Merry Xmas! 

Holidays are tough

How easily you have been forgotten when people get consumed by their own families.

How easily.

Holidays are tough, all by yourself not a soul to talk to.

How much I miss my brown eyed buddy, staring at me for his egg in the kitchen.

Not to worry how to fill all those days, 'cause he was there. 

He is gone, and so is all the goodwill, from neighbors and so called friends when the holidays are around.

It doesn't really matter if it's Christmas, Easter, Kingsday or liberation day. 

When people get consumed by their own, they forget about the lonely.

They don't think about the ones that don't talk to a soul any of those days. 

The holidays are the toughest, they're about sharing and caring, but it's the most forgotten for those who are alone. 

No invite, no friendly word, no handshake. Just silence.

The holidays are the toughest

You're a liar

The more I think about it

The more I know

You're a liar

We were supposed to stay friends

But friends don't walk away like 10 years was nothing

Friends don't make promises that they don't keep

You deceived me

Small talk, lies

Friendly and kind to cover your ass

Be sure of your financial security

Over my back

You mistreated me

I believed you like a child

In good faith

In love and trust

You're a liar

You left me heartbroken

And made me loose everything I cared for

You left me in a spot without friends, without job, without pets without love and without trust

You're poison

You're a liar

You

You C, you think you are more than me,

Better than me,

Smarter, Richer, slimmer,

More fun, with more friends and a loving family.

You, you have all that, 

I don't.

But, 

I have experience, I'm fierce, brave,  loving, empathic,

I went through lost, heartache, dissapointment, treason, sickness and health.

All of that made me

Better, smarter, richer, slimmer, taller, more loved and respected.

So good luck to you, when you have to be going through the stuff you haven't seen, experienced or felt yet. 

Brace....and remember me, maybe you finally understand.

You're not more than me, never were never will be.

G

Fall

How I miss you during fall

The endless walks, your rolling in falling leaves, bathing in rain puddles. How I miss you during fall

alles is anders

Na t verlies van Joe, wordt ik geconfronteerd met alledaagse dingen, die dus niet meer alledaags zijn.Ik kom niet meer op de plekken waar we altijd samen liepen met uit laten, de mensen met de honden die ik tegen kwam, zie ik niet  meer.

Je mandje met knuffels heb ik opgeborgen, dan ruik ik soms nog aan je Ikea bal of je dekentje ,het ruikt nog steeds naar jou. Mijn hondenuitlaatschoenen staan roerloos onder de kapstok ,waar eveneens mijn 'hondenuitlaatjas' en je riem hangt. Je drinkbak

Staat roerloos en als ik op zondagochtend een eitje tik, betrap ik me er steeds op, ach wat vond je dat lekker .Je zat dan steevast naast me, en drukte zacht je neus tegen m n been, zo van "vergeet me niet'? Geen brokken meer bestellen, geen lekkere snacks meer, geen medicijnen meer in de gaten houden. ik ben niet meer die vrouw met die Labrador. Ik word geen vrouwtje meer genoemd,

Als we

s' middags samen effe tukkie deden, gleed mijn hand als vanzelf door je vacht .........Ik genoot van t zachte gesnurk van je .Het valt niet mee zonder jou, ik mis je dagelijks en op sommige momenten nog meer, wanneer het weer buiten zacht is met een flauwe zon, we hoeven niet meer op zoek naar "nieuw" water om je te laten zwemmen. Niet in alle vroegte naar de heide, je liefde en blijdschap mis ik het aller meest. Je blik als je naar mij op keek en tevreden naast me liep in het bos. Die kleine, bijna allerdaagse dingen die zo gewoon leken zijn niet meer allerdaags zijn , en gewoon. Maar nu een mooie liefdevolle herinnering aan jou lieve Joe. Ik mis je.

Now I have to remember you, longer than I've known you

when?

It seems not to work for me somehow, 

Happiness, I am trying really hard.

Got so much love to give seems it's not wanted.

After 10 years another breakpoint.

Back to me, finding happiness.

Can't seem to get there by myself.

I need to give, to be happy and feel happiness.

Turning more into myself.

I'm trying, when is it my turn? 

empty plate

When love falls apart,

It crumbles, day by day, 

Month by month

Trying to keep the pie together

Every piece that's taken,

going for an empty plate.

Just crumbs are left.

Nothing enough to put back together again. 

An empty plate,

Not ready to start baking again.

back then

I miss the freedom I felt

The air at the mountains

The love in my heart

The joy in my eyes

The freedom

The Lion in me

Sometimes I feel stronger, but at times, the lion in me stops roaring. The silence is deafening. And no words are good enough to break the silence at that time. So I say nothing and do some soul searching. 

Alone

4th day on a row all evening.

Alone, by myself, dinner alone,

Evening alone, sleeping alone

Who is waiting for me

Not a soul

Come on

C'mon let it rain, let it rain down on me...

nothing of anything

 BAM! 8 years have past, its 2021. 

Life is different confusing and weird.
Our house is no longer filled with laughter, but with regrets and sorrow.

I have changed, grew older, more worried.

Kids are no longer kids, the youngest one moved out living with her dad now. The oldest one is now an adult, sweet as ever. Never home and living his own life. He is right.

what's left for us, is each other.... we know by now we don't like each other much any more these days. No love, no laughter, no joy.

I feel stuck, can't breath at times. Body is worn with pain and sorrow. 
Not feeling loved isn't helping. 

I want to move back to the ocean and leave these green fields and forrests. 
I miss seaguls, air and ocean, wind and calming ocean breeze even when it's freezing out.  

My dog is my only joy now, can't have him by myself stuck with work and caring. 

Feel so stuck i need air, breath in breath out, and gone another day. 

Kids

Wow, you know how it is?
Arguing kids? Man! 16 and 11
They sound like brother and sister, sometimes a married couple.
Sometimes you want to slam them together and make them.love each other!
The oldest telling the younger one what to do, but she doesn't let her tell him what to do and hell breaks loos.
Wow I can't remember ever have a fit like that  everrrrr and I had two older brothers....I've turned out ok tho.
But now I am all grown up....it's so useless and exhausting!
Wow, you know how it is?

Still miss you

Still miss you every day
My little furry best friend
Your morning kiss and cuddle
Your love when I'm sad
Your headbump to say you love me
Still miss you every day my little  friend.
Still miss you....

Moving in together

It's a fact....we are living together as a family in one home.
All history carried with or left behind. Bits and pieces put together in a brand new home.
My table, your chairs, towels mixed together to a colourfull blend.
Paint picked together, my plants your frown😁
Our home!! Happiness and love
Our home 😁❤❤
Our home...our....home😁

You know...

You know you're home when
You're on the toilet and there is a knock for a piece of toiletpapier.
You know you're home when you're taking a shower a little one comes in to brush her while you're naked.
You know you're home when in the morning you hear noises of table silver while the both of you are still in bed.
You know you're home when u wake up in the middle of the night and there is a whisper conversation going between the one you love and a nine year old.
You know you're home when you always feels loved.
You know you're home when you  see those smiling faces when you walk in the door after a days work....
You know you're home when  you feel at home.
I love feeling at home :-)