just some thoughts..............

I am not in the mood any more to start a blog about the subject I was thinking about

when I drove home from work today.

I wrote a long blog that I don't want to share with the world today

that only happens once in a while.

I called it Scared Heart, but I really don't want to talk about it.



I want to write stuff down but don't know where to begin.

I am wondering if any one will understand my rambling

or even read my blog any more. I am wondering how many

people think my blog is making them understand.

How hard it is, to love some one that you can't be with yet.

it's awesome that the Internet makes the world so much smaller



but it's still damn big to me, when I feel like this

and I can't feel save, I can't get comfort and warmth

It still feels huge when you want to talk to the one you love

and you can't and man, is it a long walk over there.

I wish the Universe listened

The Universe Listened - Melissa Etheridge

We do our best
We stay in step
As time goes marching by
There's something wrong
We don't start living
Until we almost die
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listens

Well I was born
With a silver thorn
On a Midwest rose
I found out fast
Love is last
And it comes and goes
I made a deal
Hearts to steal
They will know my name
I'll pay the price, any price
Just give me the fame
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listened

A perfect song
My love is wrong
So I ache the dark
A hero's close
The story goes on
But I hate the part
I chose to fault
Destroy it all
But I will rise again
I believe in love
Please send me love
And I will try again
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened

Rue the dark
Cue my heart
Make my body whole
I found my angels
Found my spirit
Yes, I found my soul
Teach me how
Show me now
This light has taken me
I'm not ashamed
Help me explain
This awakening
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah

Letter to my lover

hey there sweetheart!

today was another sunday without you, but were getting closer. We also know when it does, it's getting harder somehow to be without each other. Holland had a crisp and cold sunday behind. the sky was as blue as your amazing eyes and the sun greeted me as your smile! And it was cold burrrr very cold, but I woke in the warmth of your hands and your love wrapped as a warming blanket around me.


waking up to silence, and a cold house with your love spinning my head making me dizzy and smiling.
you make me more happy then i could ever imagine, just knowing you love me is keeping my heart warm, my face smile, my head spin, my body tingle.
even tho were far a part, seas need to be crossed to be together we feel together and far away all at the same time, on the same day.
Not every day is a good day, not every moment a good moment, but we can still love and laugh fight and argue, make faces, and blow kisses to each other even tho not together.

together at heart baby, and as I tell you and everybody who wants to know.
YOU ARE THE ONE! the one I spend rest of my life with, the one that i will grow old with,
the one that I am loving, and honoring, in sicknes and in health for good and for bad till death do us part and beyond. Cuz with you I also feel, like Melissa knows how to put it, I've loved you before, and I do now, and going to do it again and again and again.

now stepping in a cold bed, with you in my ear, and a smile on my face feeling loved.
I love you! and this paper will hold my promise to you,
we will be together soon, cuz nothing can keep us from being together.
Not seas, nor president, nor laws, nor parents or papers..............

I love you now and beyond.........

You've got mail..........

I got some amazing E-mails from my Angel
the last couple of days, really wanted to send this
one out to the world.................

Hey gorgeous – Do you know how much I love you? Do you know that you are my everything? Do you realize how happy you make me? Do you realize that I cant live without you? Do you know how lucky I am to have you in my life?


I just want you to know that I do not take what you do for us for granted and that I thank God everyday for you! I love you so much! You are so awesome! I don’t know what I would do without you!!

screaming heart

Being tough all day,
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind,
giving me the twinkle in my eye

no one sees my hidden cries,
my tears that flow in the dark
my screaming heart of loneliness
my empty arms, tired from not holding anything

appeared rested and at ease
settled with the fact, my angel and I aren't together yet
words of hope and believe, those are true, no doubts
but at night, when I come home in a cold dark house
that doesn't even feel like home any more
my heart screams so hard it's deafening
and still no one hears it,

after a rough day, there is no time
no time to cry in the arms of the one I love
no room, to snuggle up with the one I love most
I cry my tears in silence, till my eyes are swollen
and my troth is sore of holding back

being tough all day
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there,
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind
carrying the twinkle in my eye....

Screaming Butterflies

heavy weight is pushing down my chest
it feels really tight
My heart is happy tho
I am sleepy it's late
my mouth is smiling
my eyes filled with tears
My fingers writing my mind
with her,
no sense, no sense at all
hard to describe when you
miss someone so much
that it hurts

can any one imagine?
that pain? the emptiness you feel,
and still feel lucky, cuz I am loved?
at least I have some one that loves me,
as I love her, not every one does
I found the one, THE ONE!
pain, despair, hurt, tears
joy, loved, butterflies, confusion

my mind is tired and not thinking straight
my fingers want to write to get my mind at ease
my soul screams, my mouth is silence
my eyes are closing but fighting to see
my chest is breathing but tight
my stomach still got butterflies.........

I am fine, I am Loved

I realized today how I have mentally grown
I am fine, I am loved!
the last couple of years,
one of my fears was to be alone,
not alone at the house, but alone in love,
alone in doing stuff.

Mother nature fixed that, she made me fall
in love with my Angel who is 5000 miles away from me
I am alone when I come out of work
A loving sweet purring kitty is rubbing my leg
for attention, food and love.

I go to bed alone,
waiting in the dark,
staring and thinking
till the phone rings
and my Angels sweet voice
brings light in a blinded room.

I wake up alone,
with a long slender furry body,
purring next to me
who is squeezing his eyes,
and yawning when I turn on the light and my radio warns me its time to get up
disappointed that I disturb his comfort
I stretch and reach into my nightstand drawer
to get out my cellphone,
a message from my Angel,
every morning,
to wake up with a smile.

I shower alone,
let the warm water run my body
close my eyes and imagine,
that the warmth I feel
are the sweet little soft hands of my baby

I make breakfast and lunch to go,
feed my kitties,
get a grateful head bump
as my thank you kiss and leave for work alone
I'm physical alone, although I have my kitties,
but my biggest fear, my real demon, I defeated
I am not alone, I am not an Island
I am fine, I am loved

Morning headache, lawfully be wed..........

Hoping praying,
I got a good feeling about this
the Lottery stuff it was time for it again
to take a chance to get a green card
so I can stay with the one I love

I want it to be time
to leave the morning headaches behind
and wake with a soft warm hand on my skin
to wake up and see the amazing clear bright blue eyes of my angel,
instead of the dead brown ones of my stuffed animal

to kiss the morning a warm welcome even when it's freezing outside.
to feel her warm little feet snuggling in between mine
It's time to convince the government of our love
and that we want to be lawfully wedded
And spent the rest of our lives together

and have all the little joys that seems to be so normal
for people who are together but so special for the ones
that can't be together yet. I say YET course I can't give up
the hope!
My heart is with her, my brain is with her,
my dreams are with her.
it's time for the morning headaches to be gone............

Bring it on................

When you try to start a new
it's like past tries to catch up on you.
My angel and me, we both started second jobs
to come by easier and already kinda build on our
future together even still a part.

Even tho, i defeated all my demons in the past
some, for whatever reason, finds it amusing to
pop up once in a while. My biggest demon found me
after 3 years of silence, to notice I have changed.

another demon, so called friend from UK, i confronted with her actions,
in a place I use to go. Some people weren't charmed of the way
how I confronted her with her lies, but I got it out, and sent her
some demons to live with. Not my worry any more.
felt mistreated and I fixed it its now done and over with.

It feels so good, being so sure in life, feeling secure in love,
making me a stronger woman, and fearless to face my demons
if they decide to hunt me down, all I can say, is show me what you got!
and bring it on. course the love of my Angel makes me brave,
the sun in my heart makes me strong, and our love makes me fearless
this Leo is roarrrrrrrrrrrrring again.............................

A life changing expierence.....

for some reason I was thinking today
about my most embarrassing moment ever,
and I went
back to middle school 12 years old, at Dutch class
the teacher said, if there is anything you don't understand
or a word that you don't know, raise you're hand and ask me..........I did, man how I did............

so one of the students hit off with what ever it was that was written
and we stumbled upon a word that I, little miss naive, didn't know,
so really fanatic I raised my hand and as soon as the teacher told me
to tell him what it was I didn't understand I blurred out;..........MASTURBATION!
what does the word Masturbation means...................

I looked around me right away course I heard some popular kids,
smirk and laughing out loud, even the teacher had a fade smile on his face,
I felt my face turning red and my temples slamming the inside of my head
with full power, and the thought that I must have asked something really stupid,
but till that moment I still didn't know what I've asked.
As I looked around the classroom, slowly lowering my hand and feeling stupid,
the teacher said; sexual self satisfaction................before he even finished the last
word I felt my heart drop!! being naive and with an innocent smile, I tried to
put all my charms in to not just die right there..............
My heart was pumping faster than ever, and all I could say was; oh..........
I could feel my hands turning moist and I didn't feel so good to my stomach,
I faced my book laying on the desk and tried to disappear in thin air..........it didn't work

the rest of middle school,
I've never asked another word I didn't knew again, I looked it up in my dictionary
once I was home, never wanted to die of embarrassment in a class room again.
but amazingly I never got it back through classmates, I've never been teased with it.
and when I got home from school that day and my mom asked me how my day was, all I said was, I learned about masturbation today.............................

come on in..........

hm mm several times I opened up a new sheet
figuring out how to write a new blog
for some reason inspiration has left
thoughts are at ease or the same all the time
today it's 9/11 wow still when I see those planes
disappearing into those towers
my heart skips a beat

and here is another winter time
coming around the corner
Fall is leading winter in to our country
slowly leafs are turning into they're dying colors
dying colors but full of life

evening already shorter
cats back purring on my lap
winds haunting the house
candles are lite

winter come on in...................

Please god?

going through pictures
smiles and love
it sometimes really hurts
to watch the pictures and see how
happy we are together once together
we both feel like its not going to be long any more
being apart, with 5000 miles in between
hating the distance, the different timezones
the missing and the crying.

we started over.
a new life for the both of us
working harder to be together
more focused on what we really want
how we are going to do it
planning, talking, writing planning begging all over again

it seem so unfair, creating a love that cannot be shared.......... (Melissa Etheridge song)
we still share our love
working hard for the money to be able to
see each other with Xmas, in summer
but truly i just want to share
all seasons in my baby's arms

watching leaves fall
seeing summer sunsets
walking through fresh fallen snow
be amazed over the first flowers coming through

we want it all. dreaming is the only thing
that keeps us going, along with the strong love we have
knowing, convinced found the one,
that one you want to spend rest of your life with
your soul mate
the love of you're life
they say you only meet that person once in you're life
then why can't we share the rest of it together yet?

I want to start the rest of our lives now
please god?

Tears

pain, tears, missing


sounds broken heart.


missing more, more tears, more pain

feeling helpless, feeling blue

crying..........

watching pictures, see her smile

warming me from the inside out

longing for her voice, it's late,

stretching cat, glaring eyes,

turning of light,

tears....................

Big dreams, big city, little sleep

Big dreams keeping me up
instead of taking me away
on a big comfy cloud,
it's keeping me up,
making me toss and turn.

the possibility to move
is here, not to the states
but the the east of my country
out of the city
the house is there, a friends
that is willing to let us move in
so why not go already
and get it ready

afraid, no one there I know
except that one friend
but it's a chance to start a new
sigh what to do?
will life be better there?
more jobs maybe?

a bigger house for sure
with a back yard
in a nice new neighbourhood
fresh air, out of the city,
will I still be dutchcitygirl?
or will I become dutchfarmgirl
formally knows as dutchcitygirl.

my cats will have a better life there
more room for Dakota(our dog) to come over
from the states.
more room, but what do I need more rooms for
as long as I am by myself?

further away from my family,(read brother and his wife and kids)
will it be easier?
will I be brave enough?
to just do it?
It's keeping me up...........

I need to sleep it over for a night......
but wasn't that the problem to begin with?

An I love you email.

written by my baby at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:11:21 -0700 (PDT)

sit here wondering when the day will come. will it be tomorrow?
The next day but I hope the day we dream of is here soon!
I feel so bad that I am not always able to show you everyday how much I love you!
I know you feel it when we are together and I hate the pain you have when are not together! We always talk about that mystical day I just wish so much that the day was today!
I am happy that we have a past, present and future.
I just wish I could tell you a day and give you light to focus on.


written by me at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:21:11 -0700 (PDT)

baby you're so sweet, but you know what? YOU are the light that I focus on!
You are the one that keeps me going.
I don't need a date for knowing how much we love each other.
I want to see you every day, but I don't need to, to know that you love me!
I know how much you love me. Your love is traveling 5000 miles every day to get to me!
You know how strong love has to be to do that?
I wish we were together too, don't get me wrong. But I feel your love, every day! As long as we keep faith, and believe and know that, that day will come, it will be soon.

thank you for loving me,

always yours.

to hold her again

She is again 5000 miles away
when I woke in the morning
and reached out for her,
she was gone
my brain was waking up
and realized that she has gone back.

I miss her. already.
my body response to missing her
is getting sick
so instead of waking with my sweetheart
I woke up with two tennis balls
in my neck, and no voice.........

while swallowing feels like eating razorblades
has my chin disappeared into my swollen neck
with a fever, and sweating so much that I have to
change shirts every two hours

so not just my heart is homesick to her
my body is also
we started the countdown again
121 days left to hold her again........

Lucky

it flew by
3 weeks of passion
love, fun, laughter
safety,confidence
friendship, motherhood
tickle fights, passionate nights
giggles, looks and LOVE
Love with a capital L

Oh my god, I am so completely in
LLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
with this woman

she is my world,
I know there are other couples
who probably feel this connection
for me it's the first time
she really makes my heart jump of Joy like I NEVER felt before.

these last 3 weeks were amazing.
we traveled this little country almost
from top to bottom by train........

now I miss her touch,
her soft lips on mine
her hand on my back that seems always there
her fingers in my hair,
the smile on her face
and that amazing look in her eyes when she looks at me being silly with our son

now emptiness and loneliness
hit me hard,
while her scent is still in the sheets,
when I find blue little notes like EVERYWHERE!!
notes that tell me
how much she loves me,
how soon were going to be together,
how true our love is,
and how lucky we are to "have" each other

And I feel lucky and amazingly happy
with someone who loves me the way she does
and still I want more
more in being together
under one roof, waking up together
every morning not 5 weeks a year

I feel lucky,
and still I cry..................

27 july 2007 00.00 AM

30 hours
30 minutes
and 30 seconds...................

Drifting mind.......fingers in dirt

Some time off
happy that I do
when I closed the door
at work today
I felt freedom

I look at my rain drowned
little back yard
and feel so sorry
that I wasn't able
to save my plants from
horrible drowning death

the only one i could save
was my sunflower
and it's growing over my head
I love to dig my fingers in dirt
and create new life in my own little way

but well I am drifting with my mind
but hey, that's fine, I have time off yay
my baby is coming home with our son.
my flowers need to be saved and new one to be planted

visit and do some fun stuff
and enjoy being together as a family
that joy is way bigger as the sunflower
brings me
but they still both bring me sunshine
just one more than the other

but I've learned
to enjoy the small
appreciate the smallest
and live the biggest

My old friend

(basic lyrics tim Mcgraw,my Old Friend)

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again
My old friend,

I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why,
don't know why
Don't know why,
don't know why

My old friend,
this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you are here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend


My old friend, my old friend