Reflections

Wednesday at work, yesterday i went through a little personal hell, i got my nail extracted from my toe, without anesthetic OMG! talking about pain!!!! so i got my foot up today, at work got picked up by my boss from home, very spoiled!
last couple of months not much happend it's same old same old, war, love, seperation from the one I love, work. I thought my life would look different by now.
its time to reflect my life i guess, now i've turned 40 (no it didn't hurt, but stings) for some reason, you see things in a different setting.
I never really set a goal for myself, and now i feel im missing a goal, although i have one big one that all my focus goes to. (getting home to USA)
The Missing, is worse, more painful more sad and more consuming... feels like everyone is soaked with my misery, so u get no feedback any more except, "you will get there no worries"very understandable, but not helping. Sometimes you just want to scream!!! and you want some decent feedback and answers! but im babbling again, and staring off to lala land its time to get back to work, im in a writing mood today so probably more later.....

a long long time ago...

Man, it has been a while.
so long that i had to look up my username
including the paswords...I'm so spoiled sitting here
with my brandnew 2009 wireless laptop...never been this spoiled
in my life! but happy! man im so happy!It's weird how i realize at times
that I'm raised really dutch, down to earth and working hard for stuff.
be happy with a hand me down aslong as it works you shouldn't be complaining.
But oh boy, I'm happy as a little kid on christmas morning and I'm enjoying it!
Lots of stuff happened on the other hand nothing really changed..
Im still completely in love..she spoils me rotten...but still too far away and still I want to go home.
Obama is bringing the change.. I can feel it.. I think he is going to bring me home! and not because I'm anything or anyone special but ya know, I, we deserve it! almost five years were proving our love to who it needs to be proven to. It's not hard work to love each other, it's hard work to be so far away from each other. It's asking a lot of energy, love and determination to keep hanging on, believing, loving, screaming, crying and Loving to believe and feel this love is the one! My sugar is!! we're keeping hope, there is no other option!

Ya know what? it feels good to write again, it brings me peace, and as always my fingers just go without thinking. without stopping, my fingers put in words what my mind is thinking its funny how im watching dutch tv while my mind and my fingers connect in English. Could I be using a bigger percentage of my brain, cuz i can do both languages at the same time? lol i wish there was a test to try it out.

Well after sitting here a while and typing i don't want this to become to long, but I'm going to be back tomorrow for sure cuz this feels good.
and it was a long long time ago when i started this blog...let's keep it going!

I love you sugar! ;-)

new old blog.....

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Lucky
it flew by3 weeks of passionlove, fun, laughter
safety,confidence friendship, motherhood
tickle fights, passionate nightsgiggles,
looks and LOVE
Love with a capital L
Oh my god, I am so completely in
LLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
with this womanshe is my world,
I know there are other couples
who probably feel this connection
for me it's the first time
she really makes my heart jump of Joy
like I NEVER felt before.

still feel the same way..............years later.......... :-)

Little Yellow Notes

After a week on high
on clouds of love and laughter
after sugar and candy canes

i find yellow notes
yellow notes of love and laughter
yellow notes of sugar and candy canes

yellow notes of being home soon
yellow notes of love and laughter
little yellow notes every where!

Confessions and Jealousy

Sometimes you have just thoughts, stuff that enters your mind and doesn't let go, some call it just thoughts, others call it jealousy or obsessions, controlling. Different people different opinions different thoughts different names. It doesn't matter how any one else reads whatever I'm writing. Some understand, some don't, some let it go, some blow it up and way out of proportion. I don't really care, I am not a public figure so I don't think any one else cares either. There is just one person who I want to understand and she already does, so I have no worries, just thoughts..............

You know the feeling how some person can get under your skin? In a bad and worried way?How your guts tell you not to trust that person and your mind tells you to try?It doesn't happen to me often, this is the second time in my life, and I can't seem to cut is loose.The first time, we go back to another life, and way back in time! No one listened to me, every body told me I was seeing things that weren't there! But I saw signs, that girl, couldn't be trusted. I've tried to let go, and under pressure of friends and partner we kind of became” friends" and slowly our lives tangled up. Alarm signs kept going off, but I was told over and over, not to pay attention to them, so in the end, over a period of ten years, I didn't any more. I got kind of numb for them. Somewhere in the back of my mind, some little beep went off every time I saw her, or heard her talking to who I loved most at that time. And when we talked, I was told I was jealous of nothing, paranoid and even controlling.People, friends and even her, kept telling me that I saw something that wasn't there! I should get over it, and I turned in to someone who tries to control every situation, so I was told. That station hurts me the most. Me controlling? ummm hello I am a Leo!! What do you expect? I want to keep and protect what I got, and even my wild species, will fight when it comes to their woman! It's in my genes and in my guts, but I got numb and didn't listen to those guts anymore.

After ten years, I turned out to be right!!!! the one I didn't trust wasn't to be trusted all along! Many people told me so, that I was right! and they didn't see what I saw and felt! But what good did it do me at the time? None!Present!

Now, today! a different life! completely different person, complete different situation and the same alarm bells going off.....................

We started of as friends this time, something happened and that feeling came back right away! It's like it's revenge, revenge for not getting me, having me, or being able to love me? I don't know, I do know that Love and Hate are related! Cuz that is what happened with person #1 (did I mention she was an exgirlfriend?)But oh well person #2 is scarier, she is dripping into my personal life through the love of my life. (Let's get one thing straight, I trust my angel, completely, all the way and blind folded, hanging on a cliff with her holding just my little pinky finger)that she became friends with.

But I see the same approach, getting to the girlfriend to turn my life into a hell. Sadly enough for me, they became friends and surprisingly enough she seems to be a good friend. Except when it comes to me. I would think any "real" friend, would be happy when your best friend has the love of her life in her live, and even tho they live 5000 miles away they're still being faithful. And when they can finally see each other once out of twice a year, you would be happy that they can be together and you would give them all the time they need to be together? And not like person #2 feel neglected when they spent 2 weeks together, they come visit you 5 times in those 2 weeks?

ALARMBELLS!

to me, and my guts, that’s jealousy! not from me, but from her! I don't know, I so hear people say things that I don't want to hear. I can see how she looks at my Angel, and it freaks me out so bad, that a lot of person #1 comes back. Different this time is that I trust my Angel so I am not worried. But it's kind of like having a stalker I guess. She moved in to the house also, she shares a house with the person I love most! I am not scared, or worried just freaked out that situation #1 is partly repeating itself. Some ones Obsessive behavior and hating my guts.

I am jealous tho, really jealous!The snake (person#2) is able to look into my Angel's amazing, swimming pool in summer colored, shiny making your heart jump eyes every day!

Jealous! of the snake being able to hear my Angel's ,touch my heart, kill me and I'd die happy, laugh every day!

Jealous of the snake being able to smell her, walking by and make your knees collapse, crash to the ground and knock the wind out of you, scent.

Jealous of the snake being able to spent time with MY family, OUR son, and OUR life, and MY greatest one and only love of my life!And yes it hurts!It hurts when I hear, that they're doing stuff together! And keeping in touch when my angel is on a trip! While it's hard for us to stay in touch because I'm so far away! And yes it makes my skin crawl, when I hear her say things about my Angel, while I didn't even knew that! And yes it makes my blood boil how she is going through our stuff to clean out the garage or house!

But I understand!

She is a friend!

Just not mine!

It feels like we took a stalker into the house! Like a mad fan, who just wants to be around you and know everything! Keep your friends close, and you’re enemies closer! But this is a little too close for my taste! We don't have a choice tho, and it will only be for a year! God I am praying for strength!

the thing that concerns me most, is that Angel didn't see! she is now tho, but still some stuff she doesn't see. And I know some of this stuff is my paranoid mind! But hell how do you respond? When you realize you found THE ONE! and some one else is after her? I will fight battles for her! I drive her crazy at times, I am lucky she is patient with me, and she understands and she knows it's out of love and that I trust her completely but I know I drive her to madness at times! I see my bears on the road! I know! But I also got back to trusting my guts!and my alarmbells!

It would all be easier to handle if we just lived under one roof, as a family, the family that we are! but the damn miles inbetween make it hard! And were working so hard to make those go away! 3 years now and we didn't get an inch closer! my heart is with her my mind is also......my evil eye is on the snake...........

where my wings carry me.......

As birds fly in my clouded mind
my mind wanders off to borderless
countries, mountains and cities

to where my mind wants to go
to a place my heart belongs
and my head lays to rest

to where my fingers want to touch
my skin is longing for
and my wings wants to fly

thousands of miles my wings
did carry me, the wind brought me
and my mind wandered off too

still my body is trapped in a place
I don't want to be, my heart doesn't belong
and my hands can't touch the one I love

hoping for stronger wings to carry me
by the hands of wind
to the one that I love

Sleep

After your laughter like thunder
After your skin like coffee and cream
After it takes our bodies into the night
After we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heart beat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to your peace
And go to sleep

And when we've gone a million miles
Made true our dreams with sweat and bone
After we've built it up with our bare hands
Made strong a place we can call home
And when the light in my eye is fading
When running water becomes too deep
Finally angels turn my fire to dust
And when my soul's no longer mine to keep

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heartbeat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to the peace
And just go to sleep


lyrics Melissa Etheridge

Rollercoaster ride

I don't know how, and I don't know why,
but I am sure enjoying it.
the roller coaster is on again, and we're still
going up and up

aware that at some time it will burst in energy
loose his grip, and can only hope it will
follow the trail and slide us gently down
to an abrupt stop and the end of the road

right now we're on the high and enjoying it!

imagine that

wow! Imagine that.....................

train of thoughts

it's been a while and man alot has happend
it's typical for me to turn to my blog when stuff
is bothering, or overwhelming me I also turn here
when I feel lonely or misunderstood
I feel like I can reorganize my own thoughts to see
them back all written down.
I used to do that on paper but no one to share it with then
and i felt offended when some one did read it,
it's easier some how to share it with people I don't know
that I don't see, and won't comment on my world of thoughts.
Some days I have nothing to say, cuz haven't spoken one word all
day really. And some times I just talk to my baby this way, words
that are written down will never be lost.

Stolen hours, given days

While my body is trying to get back into the timezone
I originally live in(which isn't working very well I am writing at 6 am)
my mind keeps wondering back to the wonderfull time I had this time with my Angel.

after the long wait that always keeps us a part from each other, it was finally that time,
and we complained earlier this year about the hours "they" keep steeling from us
when it comes to day light saving. We laughed and cried, held each other, made love, and were loving, a family, did chores and all the things a normall family does.

for the miles in between were not a normall family, other than that, I think we come pretty close. But what is normal any way.
any how.......................my flight was changed and I got to my Angel's arms an hour later then we planned, so again "they" stole an hour from us. But like always we never put to much energy to it and moved on with being our happy little selves.

After a while, the time came close rapitly for me to return to my originial timezone and inside we weren't ready for that yet, we both had the feeling something wasn't done yet, but only human as we are we didn't paid much attention to it, other than the heartbreak that we go through and the tears and need of sucking up every touch and kiss.

We did what we normally never do, and checked my flight stuff on net, my flight was cancelled!!
how was I to get my butt to Chicago now? Were my plane to Amsterdam was waiting? Kinda nervous and grinny but sick to my stomach we tried to figure out what happend! and indeed it was cancelled! To cut a long story short, After a lot of phonecalls, recalls and emails and two other flights later I got my flight on Wednesday! 3 days later than I was supposse to leave the states!

So all the stolen hours were given back in days.......................

just some thoughts..............

I am not in the mood any more to start a blog about the subject I was thinking about

when I drove home from work today.

I wrote a long blog that I don't want to share with the world today

that only happens once in a while.

I called it Scared Heart, but I really don't want to talk about it.



I want to write stuff down but don't know where to begin.

I am wondering if any one will understand my rambling

or even read my blog any more. I am wondering how many

people think my blog is making them understand.

How hard it is, to love some one that you can't be with yet.

it's awesome that the Internet makes the world so much smaller



but it's still damn big to me, when I feel like this

and I can't feel save, I can't get comfort and warmth

It still feels huge when you want to talk to the one you love

and you can't and man, is it a long walk over there.

I wish the Universe listened

The Universe Listened - Melissa Etheridge

We do our best
We stay in step
As time goes marching by
There's something wrong
We don't start living
Until we almost die
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listens

Well I was born
With a silver thorn
On a Midwest rose
I found out fast
Love is last
And it comes and goes
I made a deal
Hearts to steal
They will know my name
I'll pay the price, any price
Just give me the fame
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listened

A perfect song
My love is wrong
So I ache the dark
A hero's close
The story goes on
But I hate the part
I chose to fault
Destroy it all
But I will rise again
I believe in love
Please send me love
And I will try again
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened

Rue the dark
Cue my heart
Make my body whole
I found my angels
Found my spirit
Yes, I found my soul
Teach me how
Show me now
This light has taken me
I'm not ashamed
Help me explain
This awakening
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah

Letter to my lover

hey there sweetheart!

today was another sunday without you, but were getting closer. We also know when it does, it's getting harder somehow to be without each other. Holland had a crisp and cold sunday behind. the sky was as blue as your amazing eyes and the sun greeted me as your smile! And it was cold burrrr very cold, but I woke in the warmth of your hands and your love wrapped as a warming blanket around me.


waking up to silence, and a cold house with your love spinning my head making me dizzy and smiling.
you make me more happy then i could ever imagine, just knowing you love me is keeping my heart warm, my face smile, my head spin, my body tingle.
even tho were far a part, seas need to be crossed to be together we feel together and far away all at the same time, on the same day.
Not every day is a good day, not every moment a good moment, but we can still love and laugh fight and argue, make faces, and blow kisses to each other even tho not together.

together at heart baby, and as I tell you and everybody who wants to know.
YOU ARE THE ONE! the one I spend rest of my life with, the one that i will grow old with,
the one that I am loving, and honoring, in sicknes and in health for good and for bad till death do us part and beyond. Cuz with you I also feel, like Melissa knows how to put it, I've loved you before, and I do now, and going to do it again and again and again.

now stepping in a cold bed, with you in my ear, and a smile on my face feeling loved.
I love you! and this paper will hold my promise to you,
we will be together soon, cuz nothing can keep us from being together.
Not seas, nor president, nor laws, nor parents or papers..............

I love you now and beyond.........

You've got mail..........

I got some amazing E-mails from my Angel
the last couple of days, really wanted to send this
one out to the world.................

Hey gorgeous – Do you know how much I love you? Do you know that you are my everything? Do you realize how happy you make me? Do you realize that I cant live without you? Do you know how lucky I am to have you in my life?


I just want you to know that I do not take what you do for us for granted and that I thank God everyday for you! I love you so much! You are so awesome! I don’t know what I would do without you!!

screaming heart

Being tough all day,
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind,
giving me the twinkle in my eye

no one sees my hidden cries,
my tears that flow in the dark
my screaming heart of loneliness
my empty arms, tired from not holding anything

appeared rested and at ease
settled with the fact, my angel and I aren't together yet
words of hope and believe, those are true, no doubts
but at night, when I come home in a cold dark house
that doesn't even feel like home any more
my heart screams so hard it's deafening
and still no one hears it,

after a rough day, there is no time
no time to cry in the arms of the one I love
no room, to snuggle up with the one I love most
I cry my tears in silence, till my eyes are swollen
and my troth is sore of holding back

being tough all day
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there,
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind
carrying the twinkle in my eye....

Screaming Butterflies

heavy weight is pushing down my chest
it feels really tight
My heart is happy tho
I am sleepy it's late
my mouth is smiling
my eyes filled with tears
My fingers writing my mind
with her,
no sense, no sense at all
hard to describe when you
miss someone so much
that it hurts

can any one imagine?
that pain? the emptiness you feel,
and still feel lucky, cuz I am loved?
at least I have some one that loves me,
as I love her, not every one does
I found the one, THE ONE!
pain, despair, hurt, tears
joy, loved, butterflies, confusion

my mind is tired and not thinking straight
my fingers want to write to get my mind at ease
my soul screams, my mouth is silence
my eyes are closing but fighting to see
my chest is breathing but tight
my stomach still got butterflies.........

I am fine, I am Loved

I realized today how I have mentally grown
I am fine, I am loved!
the last couple of years,
one of my fears was to be alone,
not alone at the house, but alone in love,
alone in doing stuff.

Mother nature fixed that, she made me fall
in love with my Angel who is 5000 miles away from me
I am alone when I come out of work
A loving sweet purring kitty is rubbing my leg
for attention, food and love.

I go to bed alone,
waiting in the dark,
staring and thinking
till the phone rings
and my Angels sweet voice
brings light in a blinded room.

I wake up alone,
with a long slender furry body,
purring next to me
who is squeezing his eyes,
and yawning when I turn on the light and my radio warns me its time to get up
disappointed that I disturb his comfort
I stretch and reach into my nightstand drawer
to get out my cellphone,
a message from my Angel,
every morning,
to wake up with a smile.

I shower alone,
let the warm water run my body
close my eyes and imagine,
that the warmth I feel
are the sweet little soft hands of my baby

I make breakfast and lunch to go,
feed my kitties,
get a grateful head bump
as my thank you kiss and leave for work alone
I'm physical alone, although I have my kitties,
but my biggest fear, my real demon, I defeated
I am not alone, I am not an Island
I am fine, I am loved

Morning headache, lawfully be wed..........

Hoping praying,
I got a good feeling about this
the Lottery stuff it was time for it again
to take a chance to get a green card
so I can stay with the one I love

I want it to be time
to leave the morning headaches behind
and wake with a soft warm hand on my skin
to wake up and see the amazing clear bright blue eyes of my angel,
instead of the dead brown ones of my stuffed animal

to kiss the morning a warm welcome even when it's freezing outside.
to feel her warm little feet snuggling in between mine
It's time to convince the government of our love
and that we want to be lawfully wedded
And spent the rest of our lives together

and have all the little joys that seems to be so normal
for people who are together but so special for the ones
that can't be together yet. I say YET course I can't give up
the hope!
My heart is with her, my brain is with her,
my dreams are with her.
it's time for the morning headaches to be gone............

Bring it on................

When you try to start a new
it's like past tries to catch up on you.
My angel and me, we both started second jobs
to come by easier and already kinda build on our
future together even still a part.

Even tho, i defeated all my demons in the past
some, for whatever reason, finds it amusing to
pop up once in a while. My biggest demon found me
after 3 years of silence, to notice I have changed.

another demon, so called friend from UK, i confronted with her actions,
in a place I use to go. Some people weren't charmed of the way
how I confronted her with her lies, but I got it out, and sent her
some demons to live with. Not my worry any more.
felt mistreated and I fixed it its now done and over with.

It feels so good, being so sure in life, feeling secure in love,
making me a stronger woman, and fearless to face my demons
if they decide to hunt me down, all I can say, is show me what you got!
and bring it on. course the love of my Angel makes me brave,
the sun in my heart makes me strong, and our love makes me fearless
this Leo is roarrrrrrrrrrrrring again.............................