unsubcribed

Huh?

I was ready,

I unsubcribed from Melissa Etheridge mailinglists.

Don't get me wrong, her music runs through my blood

how can it be different after rocking with her for 23 years.

And I do have my ticket for her concert in Amsterdam in 2012.

But stuff changed, the more emails came in with new footage, interviews

merchandise, the more it irritated me that it all says speak true.....

She isn't speaking true any more..........so her music stays but she is out!

Be good, be Love

Mother nature.............

Not sure if I have something to say worth to share today

just being bored with my own thoughts I guess.

Life is just going and going feeling like it's even slipping at times

yesterday I applied for my green card AGAIN! 7TH time!

isn't it becoming time I will get it this time around?

I am a good egg, I believe. I do anything to return stuff that

I find to the rightfull owner. I help people cross the street

I'm almost a girl scout lol, work hard, love even harder!

so why? why am I not united with my wife and son yet?

just because mother nature told me I don't love boys as much as

I love girls? just people in grey suits made this this wonderful thing

into something wrong?

It's not fair! when do they understand being gay is NOT A CHOICE!

it's no virus, or something you can fix! it just is!

why can't I start my life with the ones that I love most?

our lives are on hold for 7 years!

our son is growing up to be a wonderful young man, and I am missing

the best parts!

Life is full of surprises in love and joy, I can only share it over the phone daily

or 6 weeks a year!

How is that fair? man in grey suits, get your head out of eachothers butt

and see what the world really is about!!

Love mother nature in all her glory and diversity! including gays!

Be good be love!

Liars and snakes

It keeps surprising me how many people lie!

over nothing, over absolutely unimportant little things.

I am, for some reason, really good in finding out the truth

have been cheated on, stabbed in the back, mistreated and lied to,

I guess that helped developing this skill.

Why is what I wonder, why? what do you gain with it?

all it takes is a lot of energy, remembering your lies.

Today I confronted someone with her lies, and I got lied to on top of the lie!

She is member of my blood related family so I can't cut her out of my life

but I am willing to. Just be honest, I can handle that much better!

And what is it about? absolutely nothing, you don't have time? don't feel like it?

just want to be a couch potato? fine! I don't need some made up excuse to not hang out,

just tell me, you want to go to the beach and hang with other people today it's fine!

No hard feelings, but lie? make up something so YOU feel better cuz you think you give me

a good excuse? DON'T

I don't do good on bullsh*t, I grow better on light and love

so get away from me with your dark clouds and lies

and I can let the sunshine in.

be good be love!

twitter

Follow @QuasyG

Maybe for the best...

I've got it all I've started it all....
a travel blog,
hyves, my space, face book got it all, you can find me.....
but only thing is.I'm not sure if i want to be found yet.
It's funny how comfortable you get the longer you're online.
I started in a chat room of my favorite rock star, Melissa Etheridge.
That was fun for a while,
it destroyed relationships and build new ones,
after that I figured it was time to get the hell out.
(to make sure it wouldn't destroy the amazing relationship i have now)
Many people have sick minds and destroyed the website and the fun for all the good eggs.
the chat room is taken down.

Right at the time I met my wife I started it off with this blog,
anonymous, putting my thoughts into words for my wife being
overseas so she can read my moods every day.
staying comfortable and unknown, more and more invitations kept repeating
themselves in my inbox.

apparently people want to see my face and read profiles and be my friend.
so i caved, and gave in. it's funny how when you finally make a profile you do can't seem to find those friends any more....

I have more friends online than I have in "real"life, today i went through alot of old stuff
trying to put together what I'm taking to the states and what I leave here or throw away.
found alot of stuff of people who disappeared from my life... some you find back online, some has disappeared forever....maybe that's for the best....

Smell the daisy's

My life sucks,
my work sucks well in all actuality my boss sucks,
the distance between my wife and me about 5000 miles, sucks,
the weather sucks, snow, snow and more snow!
And my bank account sucks,
so conclusion my life sucks!
And the only one who can change it is me!
that sucks even more!

Not that i don't trust my own skills and posibilities
but I miss the... how do you say... tools?
I mean, there is much that I can get done,
but sometimes you would think, something can come easy...
just a little bit of help would be so much appreciated.
Every day I tell myself,
smell the daisy's,
life is good,
life is grant,
life is love and love is peace!
But there are so many people
trying to destroy that truth for me
it's sometimes so hard to live my life with that truth.
It's like everyone is trying to prove different!

So here's another sunday night, crying on webcam,
cuz I miss my Angel so much,
picking myself up, picking my angel up, picking my son up,
trying to be that ray of sunshine again, to keep good spirit
and smell the daisy's.....

Reflections

Wednesday at work, yesterday i went through a little personal hell, i got my nail extracted from my toe, without anesthetic OMG! talking about pain!!!! so i got my foot up today, at work got picked up by my boss from home, very spoiled!
last couple of months not much happend it's same old same old, war, love, seperation from the one I love, work. I thought my life would look different by now.
its time to reflect my life i guess, now i've turned 40 (no it didn't hurt, but stings) for some reason, you see things in a different setting.
I never really set a goal for myself, and now i feel im missing a goal, although i have one big one that all my focus goes to. (getting home to USA)
The Missing, is worse, more painful more sad and more consuming... feels like everyone is soaked with my misery, so u get no feedback any more except, "you will get there no worries"very understandable, but not helping. Sometimes you just want to scream!!! and you want some decent feedback and answers! but im babbling again, and staring off to lala land its time to get back to work, im in a writing mood today so probably more later.....

a long long time ago...

Man, it has been a while.
so long that i had to look up my username
including the paswords...I'm so spoiled sitting here
with my brandnew 2009 wireless laptop...never been this spoiled
in my life! but happy! man im so happy!It's weird how i realize at times
that I'm raised really dutch, down to earth and working hard for stuff.
be happy with a hand me down aslong as it works you shouldn't be complaining.
But oh boy, I'm happy as a little kid on christmas morning and I'm enjoying it!
Lots of stuff happened on the other hand nothing really changed..
Im still completely in love..she spoils me rotten...but still too far away and still I want to go home.
Obama is bringing the change.. I can feel it.. I think he is going to bring me home! and not because I'm anything or anyone special but ya know, I, we deserve it! almost five years were proving our love to who it needs to be proven to. It's not hard work to love each other, it's hard work to be so far away from each other. It's asking a lot of energy, love and determination to keep hanging on, believing, loving, screaming, crying and Loving to believe and feel this love is the one! My sugar is!! we're keeping hope, there is no other option!

Ya know what? it feels good to write again, it brings me peace, and as always my fingers just go without thinking. without stopping, my fingers put in words what my mind is thinking its funny how im watching dutch tv while my mind and my fingers connect in English. Could I be using a bigger percentage of my brain, cuz i can do both languages at the same time? lol i wish there was a test to try it out.

Well after sitting here a while and typing i don't want this to become to long, but I'm going to be back tomorrow for sure cuz this feels good.
and it was a long long time ago when i started this blog...let's keep it going!

I love you sugar! ;-)

new old blog.....

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Lucky
it flew by3 weeks of passionlove, fun, laughter
safety,confidence friendship, motherhood
tickle fights, passionate nightsgiggles,
looks and LOVE
Love with a capital L
Oh my god, I am so completely in
LLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
with this womanshe is my world,
I know there are other couples
who probably feel this connection
for me it's the first time
she really makes my heart jump of Joy
like I NEVER felt before.

still feel the same way..............years later.......... :-)

Little Yellow Notes

After a week on high
on clouds of love and laughter
after sugar and candy canes

i find yellow notes
yellow notes of love and laughter
yellow notes of sugar and candy canes

yellow notes of being home soon
yellow notes of love and laughter
little yellow notes every where!

Confessions and Jealousy

Sometimes you have just thoughts, stuff that enters your mind and doesn't let go, some call it just thoughts, others call it jealousy or obsessions, controlling. Different people different opinions different thoughts different names. It doesn't matter how any one else reads whatever I'm writing. Some understand, some don't, some let it go, some blow it up and way out of proportion. I don't really care, I am not a public figure so I don't think any one else cares either. There is just one person who I want to understand and she already does, so I have no worries, just thoughts..............

You know the feeling how some person can get under your skin? In a bad and worried way?How your guts tell you not to trust that person and your mind tells you to try?It doesn't happen to me often, this is the second time in my life, and I can't seem to cut is loose.The first time, we go back to another life, and way back in time! No one listened to me, every body told me I was seeing things that weren't there! But I saw signs, that girl, couldn't be trusted. I've tried to let go, and under pressure of friends and partner we kind of became” friends" and slowly our lives tangled up. Alarm signs kept going off, but I was told over and over, not to pay attention to them, so in the end, over a period of ten years, I didn't any more. I got kind of numb for them. Somewhere in the back of my mind, some little beep went off every time I saw her, or heard her talking to who I loved most at that time. And when we talked, I was told I was jealous of nothing, paranoid and even controlling.People, friends and even her, kept telling me that I saw something that wasn't there! I should get over it, and I turned in to someone who tries to control every situation, so I was told. That station hurts me the most. Me controlling? ummm hello I am a Leo!! What do you expect? I want to keep and protect what I got, and even my wild species, will fight when it comes to their woman! It's in my genes and in my guts, but I got numb and didn't listen to those guts anymore.

After ten years, I turned out to be right!!!! the one I didn't trust wasn't to be trusted all along! Many people told me so, that I was right! and they didn't see what I saw and felt! But what good did it do me at the time? None!Present!

Now, today! a different life! completely different person, complete different situation and the same alarm bells going off.....................

We started of as friends this time, something happened and that feeling came back right away! It's like it's revenge, revenge for not getting me, having me, or being able to love me? I don't know, I do know that Love and Hate are related! Cuz that is what happened with person #1 (did I mention she was an exgirlfriend?)But oh well person #2 is scarier, she is dripping into my personal life through the love of my life. (Let's get one thing straight, I trust my angel, completely, all the way and blind folded, hanging on a cliff with her holding just my little pinky finger)that she became friends with.

But I see the same approach, getting to the girlfriend to turn my life into a hell. Sadly enough for me, they became friends and surprisingly enough she seems to be a good friend. Except when it comes to me. I would think any "real" friend, would be happy when your best friend has the love of her life in her live, and even tho they live 5000 miles away they're still being faithful. And when they can finally see each other once out of twice a year, you would be happy that they can be together and you would give them all the time they need to be together? And not like person #2 feel neglected when they spent 2 weeks together, they come visit you 5 times in those 2 weeks?

ALARMBELLS!

to me, and my guts, that’s jealousy! not from me, but from her! I don't know, I so hear people say things that I don't want to hear. I can see how she looks at my Angel, and it freaks me out so bad, that a lot of person #1 comes back. Different this time is that I trust my Angel so I am not worried. But it's kind of like having a stalker I guess. She moved in to the house also, she shares a house with the person I love most! I am not scared, or worried just freaked out that situation #1 is partly repeating itself. Some ones Obsessive behavior and hating my guts.

I am jealous tho, really jealous!The snake (person#2) is able to look into my Angel's amazing, swimming pool in summer colored, shiny making your heart jump eyes every day!

Jealous! of the snake being able to hear my Angel's ,touch my heart, kill me and I'd die happy, laugh every day!

Jealous of the snake being able to smell her, walking by and make your knees collapse, crash to the ground and knock the wind out of you, scent.

Jealous of the snake being able to spent time with MY family, OUR son, and OUR life, and MY greatest one and only love of my life!And yes it hurts!It hurts when I hear, that they're doing stuff together! And keeping in touch when my angel is on a trip! While it's hard for us to stay in touch because I'm so far away! And yes it makes my skin crawl, when I hear her say things about my Angel, while I didn't even knew that! And yes it makes my blood boil how she is going through our stuff to clean out the garage or house!

But I understand!

She is a friend!

Just not mine!

It feels like we took a stalker into the house! Like a mad fan, who just wants to be around you and know everything! Keep your friends close, and you’re enemies closer! But this is a little too close for my taste! We don't have a choice tho, and it will only be for a year! God I am praying for strength!

the thing that concerns me most, is that Angel didn't see! she is now tho, but still some stuff she doesn't see. And I know some of this stuff is my paranoid mind! But hell how do you respond? When you realize you found THE ONE! and some one else is after her? I will fight battles for her! I drive her crazy at times, I am lucky she is patient with me, and she understands and she knows it's out of love and that I trust her completely but I know I drive her to madness at times! I see my bears on the road! I know! But I also got back to trusting my guts!and my alarmbells!

It would all be easier to handle if we just lived under one roof, as a family, the family that we are! but the damn miles inbetween make it hard! And were working so hard to make those go away! 3 years now and we didn't get an inch closer! my heart is with her my mind is also......my evil eye is on the snake...........

where my wings carry me.......

As birds fly in my clouded mind
my mind wanders off to borderless
countries, mountains and cities

to where my mind wants to go
to a place my heart belongs
and my head lays to rest

to where my fingers want to touch
my skin is longing for
and my wings wants to fly

thousands of miles my wings
did carry me, the wind brought me
and my mind wandered off too

still my body is trapped in a place
I don't want to be, my heart doesn't belong
and my hands can't touch the one I love

hoping for stronger wings to carry me
by the hands of wind
to the one that I love

Sleep

After your laughter like thunder
After your skin like coffee and cream
After it takes our bodies into the night
After we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heart beat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to your peace
And go to sleep

And when we've gone a million miles
Made true our dreams with sweat and bone
After we've built it up with our bare hands
Made strong a place we can call home
And when the light in my eye is fading
When running water becomes too deep
Finally angels turn my fire to dust
And when my soul's no longer mine to keep

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heartbeat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to the peace
And just go to sleep


lyrics Melissa Etheridge

Rollercoaster ride

I don't know how, and I don't know why,
but I am sure enjoying it.
the roller coaster is on again, and we're still
going up and up

aware that at some time it will burst in energy
loose his grip, and can only hope it will
follow the trail and slide us gently down
to an abrupt stop and the end of the road

right now we're on the high and enjoying it!

imagine that

wow! Imagine that.....................

train of thoughts

it's been a while and man alot has happend
it's typical for me to turn to my blog when stuff
is bothering, or overwhelming me I also turn here
when I feel lonely or misunderstood
I feel like I can reorganize my own thoughts to see
them back all written down.
I used to do that on paper but no one to share it with then
and i felt offended when some one did read it,
it's easier some how to share it with people I don't know
that I don't see, and won't comment on my world of thoughts.
Some days I have nothing to say, cuz haven't spoken one word all
day really. And some times I just talk to my baby this way, words
that are written down will never be lost.

Stolen hours, given days

While my body is trying to get back into the timezone
I originally live in(which isn't working very well I am writing at 6 am)
my mind keeps wondering back to the wonderfull time I had this time with my Angel.

after the long wait that always keeps us a part from each other, it was finally that time,
and we complained earlier this year about the hours "they" keep steeling from us
when it comes to day light saving. We laughed and cried, held each other, made love, and were loving, a family, did chores and all the things a normall family does.

for the miles in between were not a normall family, other than that, I think we come pretty close. But what is normal any way.
any how.......................my flight was changed and I got to my Angel's arms an hour later then we planned, so again "they" stole an hour from us. But like always we never put to much energy to it and moved on with being our happy little selves.

After a while, the time came close rapitly for me to return to my originial timezone and inside we weren't ready for that yet, we both had the feeling something wasn't done yet, but only human as we are we didn't paid much attention to it, other than the heartbreak that we go through and the tears and need of sucking up every touch and kiss.

We did what we normally never do, and checked my flight stuff on net, my flight was cancelled!!
how was I to get my butt to Chicago now? Were my plane to Amsterdam was waiting? Kinda nervous and grinny but sick to my stomach we tried to figure out what happend! and indeed it was cancelled! To cut a long story short, After a lot of phonecalls, recalls and emails and two other flights later I got my flight on Wednesday! 3 days later than I was supposse to leave the states!

So all the stolen hours were given back in days.......................

just some thoughts..............

I am not in the mood any more to start a blog about the subject I was thinking about

when I drove home from work today.

I wrote a long blog that I don't want to share with the world today

that only happens once in a while.

I called it Scared Heart, but I really don't want to talk about it.



I want to write stuff down but don't know where to begin.

I am wondering if any one will understand my rambling

or even read my blog any more. I am wondering how many

people think my blog is making them understand.

How hard it is, to love some one that you can't be with yet.

it's awesome that the Internet makes the world so much smaller



but it's still damn big to me, when I feel like this

and I can't feel save, I can't get comfort and warmth

It still feels huge when you want to talk to the one you love

and you can't and man, is it a long walk over there.

I wish the Universe listened

The Universe Listened - Melissa Etheridge

We do our best
We stay in step
As time goes marching by
There's something wrong
We don't start living
Until we almost die
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listens

Well I was born
With a silver thorn
On a Midwest rose
I found out fast
Love is last
And it comes and goes
I made a deal
Hearts to steal
They will know my name
I'll pay the price, any price
Just give me the fame
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listened

A perfect song
My love is wrong
So I ache the dark
A hero's close
The story goes on
But I hate the part
I chose to fault
Destroy it all
But I will rise again
I believe in love
Please send me love
And I will try again
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened

Rue the dark
Cue my heart
Make my body whole
I found my angels
Found my spirit
Yes, I found my soul
Teach me how
Show me now
This light has taken me
I'm not ashamed
Help me explain
This awakening
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah

Letter to my lover

hey there sweetheart!

today was another sunday without you, but were getting closer. We also know when it does, it's getting harder somehow to be without each other. Holland had a crisp and cold sunday behind. the sky was as blue as your amazing eyes and the sun greeted me as your smile! And it was cold burrrr very cold, but I woke in the warmth of your hands and your love wrapped as a warming blanket around me.


waking up to silence, and a cold house with your love spinning my head making me dizzy and smiling.
you make me more happy then i could ever imagine, just knowing you love me is keeping my heart warm, my face smile, my head spin, my body tingle.
even tho were far a part, seas need to be crossed to be together we feel together and far away all at the same time, on the same day.
Not every day is a good day, not every moment a good moment, but we can still love and laugh fight and argue, make faces, and blow kisses to each other even tho not together.

together at heart baby, and as I tell you and everybody who wants to know.
YOU ARE THE ONE! the one I spend rest of my life with, the one that i will grow old with,
the one that I am loving, and honoring, in sicknes and in health for good and for bad till death do us part and beyond. Cuz with you I also feel, like Melissa knows how to put it, I've loved you before, and I do now, and going to do it again and again and again.

now stepping in a cold bed, with you in my ear, and a smile on my face feeling loved.
I love you! and this paper will hold my promise to you,
we will be together soon, cuz nothing can keep us from being together.
Not seas, nor president, nor laws, nor parents or papers..............

I love you now and beyond.........