What else do I wish for.........

Cat on my lap
looking over my shoulder
feeling perfectly happy
seeing the love
on the bed

laying behind
our son
who is watching TV
a family moment
in my book

finally here
in my baby's arms
I can feel her
when I reach out
I can kiss her
when ever I want

Hope turned into
truth
and here and now
were flying
to Florida
to make our
life even more
complete

I am in love
its Christmas
were all in good
health
and I am in my
baby's arms
what else could
I wish for this Christmas

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Sparrow's flight

Watched a little sparrow
acting like it was spring today
it spread it's wings
and flew off

people acting stressed
Christmas is coming!
they shop with open
coats
it's a soft and gentle
winter

the sparrow came back
to the tree in front of my
house
I watched the sparrow
acting like it was spring today
It spread it's wings
and flew off

my face is tingling
it's catching sun
but the cold winter wind
cools it down right away

I looked for the sparrow
acting like it was spring today
but it didn't came back
it spread it's wings
and flew off

© AngelZpublishing 2005

A perfect morning

Love to crawl
back in bed
after getting up
feeding the cats
find the newspaper

make me some breakfast
and a frappucino
and then step back
in that warm cuddly
empty bed

streched out
my hands behind
my head
staring at the ceiling
thinking
dreaming
snuggly
cuddly
missing


sun reaches through
the curtains
and tickles my face
and I smile
lonely but happy

a perfect day
waking my sunshine
being able to enjoy
the start of the day

in 48 hours
my mornings will
be totally perfect
I will wake up
my baby in my arms
and she is my
ray of sunshine
she can make
mornings perfect.

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Twinkle twinkle

I have been asked
to go out
by one of the painters
who are doing
the house

I told him I am gay
and very taken
but I would like
to get a raincheck
and go as friends
when I get back
from the states

that was ok
then today
the windowwasher
did it all
inside outside
upstairs downstairs
while normally

he only does the front
down and upstairs but outside
the windows that is

my baby said its
the twinkle,
the twinkle makes
me flirt without
knowing it myself

but I don't flirt

© AngelZpublishing 2005

The good spirit

So surprised
to get Christmas cards
from people
that you haven't
had contact with
in months or
even years

good spirit
visits people
at this time of year
to find the
goodness in themselves

and somehow they
think they can
show goodness
by sending
a Christmas card

to me it's like flowers
on a grave
bring me flowers
while I am alive
so I can enjoy them
I don't need them
when I am dead

same thing to me
with Christmas cards
send me a card
during the year
or on my birthday
means more
to me then
the one in a dozen
christmas cards

the good spirit
visits people this
time of year
it's sitting on my
shoulder the rest
of the year

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Slash Hammer

My mind is blank
all I can find
is this pounding
headache

making me hear
my blood rush
through my vanes
and be aware

of the pounding
hammer on the
inside of my temples

Feels like my body
is spinning
and can hardly
see this screen
my stomach turns

I wrote some words
anyway
a true writer tries
to put the mind on "paper"
every day

tomorrow a new
hope without the
slashing hammer
inside my head

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Wintertime

Here's another wintertime
the sun has made place
for some shabby grays
chilly winds and moody people
this time of year makes me embrace
the smile upon your face

On top of mountains I will stand
I will ask you, want you, make you
understand
The dreams I have,
they picture you
I feel so lucky I found my love
so true

seasons change, at least I hope they do
It 'll also change, the love I give to you
winters cold, summers hot
I wish that you were near
to guide me through the year

here's another wintertime

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Big city,Bright lights

Finally she got to the airport
went through customs
and stepped outside
onto American soil

she felt the chilly
Minneapolis winter wind
running it's fingers
on her skin

the wind doesn't
bother her
the excitement
her body holds
is keeping her warm

as she sits down
on her suitcase
she is lookin at
cars come and go

No sign of the big
black truck yet
but she isn't worried
she knows it will show

her face lights up
as her eyes catch
the city lights
bright and comforting

ahhhhh Minneapolis at night
she sighs and she knows
she is at home
then from out of darkness
the big black truck shows

© AngelZpublishing 2005

"my world"

(I wrote this song in 1995)

If I feel like a mountain, so big and strong
and I think of all the reasons of all that is going on
and I swear to myself If I should come back to this life
In my world, In my time

If I feel like an ocean, so wide and free
and I think of all the feelings, that are killing me
then I swear to myself, if you want to come back in my life
in my world in my time

and you say; don't you ever leave me lonely
and you say; don't you ever leave me scared
and you say; don't you ever give me reason to stop me
if I want to hold you babe

'cause I will never leave you lonely
I say; I could never leave you scared
will stay, forever by your side,
you could hurt me, hurt me if you tried

When you feel like a mountain so big and strong
Don't feel strange if you're the reason of what is going on
I can swear to myself and search for answers 'till I am through
But some of this blame can be put on you

If I feel like an ocean to wide and free
just remember that it's there to let you be
you must swear to yourself that, if you should come back to this life
it will be in Your world in your time

and you say; don't you ever leave me lonely
you say; don' t you ever leave me scared
you say; don't you ever give me reason to stop me if I want to love you babe
Cause I will never leave you lonely
I say; I could never leave you scared
will stay, forever by your side it can't hurt you, can't hurt you if it tried

© EasyStreet 1995 Buma/Stemra Holland
© AngelZpublishing 2005

Family bond

I took a long walk
with the kids
today
two out of three
kids from my
brother

so full of energy
and fun
polite and
understanding
the unconditional
love

how the six year old,
crawls on my lap
and rest his head
on my chest
the bond

It's amazing
I never had that
with aunts
the kids of my
brother
named me auntie
cool chick

All I feel
is so much love
no one ever could
hurt these kids

I will follow
that someone
till the end of days

something amazing
the family bond

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Too many wishes

The dark days
before x-mas
are here
moving in on me

One side of me cheers
I am going to be
with my loved one
that's the greatest
gift of all

and sometimes
I just wish
for little big things
just things
I wish I could
just buy something
I like

without thinking
about it
or having a struggle
without turning
every dime
four or five times

And sometimes
I wish
I could just
get all my loved ones
anything they want
and whatever they need

I know people
with so many wishes
sometimes
my only wish is
to fulfill all those

but I guess
they're just wishes
and what is there
if you don't have
wishes anymore?

all these wishes
just too many wishes

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Bits and pieces

My hand trembles
My eyes go blind
my ears go deaf
my heart goes numb
My soul just fades

your love is like a
heavy warm blanket
on a dark, cold winternight

Your side of the bed
is empty, taken by cats
they keep it warm
still your side is cold
and your pillow empty

I miss you!!

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Perfect Winters Day

Cold wind
on my face
wrapped up warm
the ocean wind
makes it chilly

the sun is out
and that makes it
a perfect day
to me

got up
before sunrise
I love that
you can almost
feel the cold
air breath
I enjoy mornings
like that

All kinds of people
rushing to work
they don't
see the beauty
of this early
winter morning

as day pass
the darkness
takes the afternoon
the moon is out
and shows a perfect
clear star filled
sky

I love these perfect winter days

© AngelsZpublishing 2005

On second thought

Thinking about it
the Ice Skating teacher
I mean

I didn't really had
a crush on her
I had a crush
on her tight
shiny, hiding
nothing, light blue
suit

you could see
all her shapes
and when the sun
hit the suit.........
So I don't think
I had a crush on her

I fell in love
that day
with the female
body

So I shouldn't
had been so surprised
when I found out
I am gay
I know now, why

it's my Ice Skate teacher's
fault
she showed me
the beauty
of the female body

I am still
thankful
every day

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Down to memory lane

I watched ice skating
tonight
and hit memory lane
got back to my
ice skating lessons

I was ten maybe
twelve
and 25 years ago (!omg)
it was a common thing
to build future champions
and learn kids how to
ice skate and make them fast

every Saturday mornin
I got up early and walked
all the way to the train station
to get picked up
I walked! Ever see a kid walk now?
yeah to a toystore
besides that...

the ice skating teacher
omg she was so
beautifull
thinking back
I know now
that secretly
I had a crush on her

and I probly fell in love
with a woman the first
time and I didn't even
knew it at the time

I kinda walked into
her a few years ago
she never knew
who I was probly
and she wasn't
as beautifull as
I remembered

my Ice skating days
are over
I watch those on
tv now
and my mind goes
back to
memory lane

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Heartsong

Lighting candles
turned up the heater
the stereo plays
some easy listening

the house
is filled with
scents of herbs
and fresh baked
bread

Outside the wind
is howling around
the corners of my mind

I look around
trying to make
this house a home,
is not a home

Only your eyes
can light up this house
Only the music
of your voice
can make my heart sing

Only the smell of
your fresh skin
can take me to
other heights

this house is not
a home
not without you,

I miss you.......

© AngelZpublishing 2005

What a night

boiled brain
after 3 hours
of sleep
so not able
to write

My baby breathing
in my ear
is all I can hear

I can't even
see the screen
hard to write
but I try
anyway

Happy Thanksgiving
to all who read
poor turkeys
turned into dinner
meat

thats all went through
my head
today after a
night from hell

I know after
one good night
of sleep again
I will be feeling well

© AngelZpublishing 2005

My Pink Suitcase

Like everybody
I got a former
life too

and once in that former life
I bought a pink suitcase
(I know I know)
It isn't just pink
it is "I need sunglasses to see it" pink

At the time I didn't even
thought about it
I just found it handy
and easy to find at the airports
luggage belts

On top of that
I closed it with a
rainbow belt (!) and
traveled very Gay!

Lookin back on it now
I've carried a lot of luggage
with that suitcase
and I traveled a lot with it
saw alot of countries
and received a lot of comments

there is a lot of past
in that suitcase
but it also helped me
to find happiness
again

Last time I traveled
with it
I went to my girl
in the States
together we bought me
a new set
A black suitcase this time

And I left my Pink suitcase
with all my past
and all my travels
and all those countries
In the garage at my girls place

And I start a new
and the past, that makes me
who I am
is put away in that huge
pink suitcase
stashed away in the garage
and still with me

© AngelZpublishing 2005

A good day

I need a good day
a day that everything
goes right

A day I can hold
my baby
A day the sun shines
A day to play with our son

A day without crying
A day with only love
A day with enough
money on my account

A day with only
a smile
A day with fresh bread
and frappucinno's

A day with walks
at the park
and cotton candy

A day with hugs
and kisses
A day of totally
happiness with my family.

I need a good day.

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Players

People who play games
with other people's
feelings and trust

I despise them
Sadly enough
I know a few and I
keep out of their way

they destroy everything
around another
been very close to one
for years
I know how they play

I hate the game
they play
I know it well tho

I recognize players
in a heartbeat
and I am hardly ever
wrong

I keep them out
of my life
but sometimes
you can't no matter
how hard you try

people who play games
with other people's
feelings and trust

I despise them.

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Corners of my mind

Fear
Ever felt that?
Not death fear
but any other

it comes close
when you get jealous
I can feel inner rage
never let that out

don't think I could
handle that
but it's there
makes you climb walls
with bare hands

makes you find
corners in your mind
you never saw
or even knew
they were there

Pain makes this fear
pain to lose
the pain of jealousy
I feel this pain
once in a while

it's tears me up
inside I bleed
my innervoice
screams
but is never been
heard

Fear comes from past
lives
got hurt, saw the signs
you trust your guts

and the ghosts of your mind
have a ball
and make up their own story
mixed with your gut feeling

gives you the fear
the fear to fail
the fear to lose
the fear of
fear

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Just One Simple(??) Wish

Sometimes I feel
Like God isn't listening
I don't pray everyday
guess I am suppose to

Or this is a test
I don't know
when I beg Him
on my knees

I know the answer
mostly real quick
and somehow
It's never what I prayed for

I just have one simple wish
Be with my family
and being able to stay with them

Today again I prayed
begged en pleaded
I got the answer real quick
And like i said
it didn't worked

And still I am convinced
it's meant to be
to be with my family

Sometimes I feel replaced
I know in love I am not
but in being there, I am
And I hate that feeling

Is that it?
stop hating?
Stop feeling replaced?
Stop being jealous?
and just be happy?

It's just One Simple wish.............

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Snow flakes

Freezing cold
outside
sliding my feet under
her thigh to get
them warm

snuggling up
on the couch
drinking hot cocoa
watching snow flakes
dancing their way
down

our son
playing his playstation
we're watching him
racing the streets
of San Francisco

the dog at our feet
cat in front of the window
fascinated by the
falling snow

lookin into each others
amazing eyes
feel the moment of
complete happiness

while I am writing this
this fantasy
melts away
like the falling
snow flakes

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Such a simple song

Amazing how music
can touch your soul
got moved by such
a simple song

people and characters
becoming real
my mind floating
to the story on the screen

my thoughts drifting
words longing to be spoken
music waiting to be played

sounds wanting to be heard
be completed
in such a simple song
and goes straight to
the heart

music can move
me to tears
such a simple song
opening the window
of my soul

its such a simple song.

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Trust

The past makes me
who I am
Letting go
and still

scared to get hurt
even tho
I know
She won't

complete trust
what about others
distance kills me
so confused

she is mine
I am hers
I know

let the future
take away the past
future please
make me who I am

© AngelZpublishing 2005

First Snow

Oh how I am waiting for the first snow
when you wake up
open the curtains
and see that white world

peacefully and silence
that white fluffy peacefully
blanket
taking away all that's bad

kids playing, having fun
gives me innerpeace
makes me sigh
makes me smile

lovers walking the snow
hand in hand
keepin each other warm
hearing feet crunch

how I am waiting for the first snow
keeping my baby warm
walking hand in hand
hearing our feet crunch

sigh............How I am waiting for the first snow

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Leo

My sign is Leo
ruler of the jungle
the strong one
the dominant one

well not for me!
I just have a big ROAR!
but a tiny, vunerable heart

Not many people know that
and thats ok with me!

Only sometimes
people think I am stronger
then I really am

I can be dominant tho in some roles
in that part I am a Leo
I am I am

But I am hurt quick
insecure quick
Not really strong at all

And somehow people never
believe me when I say that
they always say her? insecure?
No way, she is a real Leo with
a Lionheart ummm NO

I don't really believe in signs
cuz they simply aren' t right
every time. Are they?

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Sunny Day

It's a sunny day on Monday
it's November but I feel like springcleaning
I got that springie feeling
In the bottom of my tummy

It's love I know
but it's also Spring
Spring In November!!!

Got all excited this morning
I was woken by the sun
poking through the curtains
trying to wake me!

It's love I know
but it's also Spring
Spring In November!!

I am a Summerbaby
No wonder I feel excited
when the sun is out
and I woke up smiling

It's Love I know
but it's also Spring
Spring In November!!

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Boxes

Talking about boxes
have you ever noticed
that everybody is put in a box?

No one considers another person
as a person
nope we are all stuck in boxes
there are even boxes in boxes

gay, heterosexual
hah, and even in gayland we put
each other in boxes!
I hear it all around me,
first question, are you......
lipstick lesbo, butch, softbutch
femme, bi, tomboy

I always answer I am just a gaygirl
I know I fit in the tomboy box
but I refuse to get my butt in there

does it mean if you don' t fit in the right box
people won' t talk to you anymore?
Or won' t become friends with you?
some gays and lesbians are proud to " belong"
to a certain box.

I am proud to be gay,
and proud to belong to my girl
and not to a box!!

© Angelpublishing 2005

Getting out tha box!

Sometimes it feels I want to get out
get outta here,
I don' t mean outta life, but outta
this life,
feel so stuck in this little country

Feel so stuck without my loved one
need to get there
distance makes it hard
can' t jump in the car and just go
there is an ocean between

Feels like im stuck in a box
kinda have my freedom
and kinda have not
Why is the world divided in
pieces and have those pieces all
there own land, rules, laws and language?

why?
I sometimes feel so stuck
I want to get outta this box!

© AngelZpublishing 2005

Seasons

trees are losing leaves
streets are filled with them
the wind plays with them
getting dark early, so I sit in the dark not aware
wind is stronger and colder
days are darker nights colder

puts me in a mood to think
think about my life, my love, my health
about the past, the present, the future
what I want to do, and did, and if I did it right
the moments I have, had and lost

to me fall is like the season of new life
other people would disagree with me
they would call spring season of new life
I still believe it' s fall
without death no new life
without falling leaves no new green ones
without the losing seeds
life wouldn' t be spread by wind

And in some way
It gives me the space to think
start over, think about what do I want?
I want to be with the one I love
let's make today the start of the rest of my life
I can' t yet
Not yet, not without holding my loved one close

So I lose my leaves
And see the streets filled with them
and watch the wind play with them
and I let it get dark early, and sit in the dark a bit
and I feel the wind blowing stronger and colder
And realize the days are darker and my nights are colder

Fall puts me in a mood...............to think

© 2005

Two Traces

3 am in the morning your body isn't here
just a cold and empty pillow to protect me from my fear
You said I shouldn' t worry, you'ld be back before i knew
I can't help feeling angry, not laying next to you

I remenise our days we went to all those places
Now I am walking here alone, I look back and see two traces
and a heart so heavy feels like stone.

© 2005

Old Jacket

Found an old jacket which i forgotten about,
tried it on, and went through the pockets
found bits and pieces of my previous life.

© 2005