It will be me.......

If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin’ it’ll be alright
It will be me

If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me

If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me

Oh how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Past the ever after there’s a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I’ll be there for you

In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me...

Melissa Etheridge

Roundtrip

When snakes meet liars and fakes....sigh

what a war, inside and out, not caring, puking a bit

letting the sunshine in,

trying to get to the knife in your back

and pull it out, realizing you need another friend

than the one that put it there, to get it out....

thank god for having plenty of those,

and love...definite love.......to rely, fall back on and trust...

to find peace and comfort and love......

Be good be love.........

life is a funny thing...........

Life isn't easy, it wasn't meant to be either

but why do people tend to make it even harder for you?

is that your own fault cuz you let those people control it?

or..........I don't know, is it the expectation thing again?

Some people just come with the "package"so to speak

don't they know they have no saying? don't they understand

at some point they cross the line?

Am I letting them cross the line? and what is the line anyway?

Geesh at 42 I thought i had alot of answers already

but life keeps handing me more questions every day.

it's good it keeps me challanged, focussed and wondering

thinking about life, people, love, expectations of life and love

I am a thinker, sometimes i act without thinking at all

and mostly that bites me in my ass, I learn from it, try to restore,

rebuild or fix it and move on. with a smile or a tear

both they come with life.

At days I am a writer, I put my thoughts in this blog

and share it with whomever.

somtimes i put it in a picture and share that with friends

more than often i put it in a spoken word and bore the hell out of my friends

but once in a while, I find myself staring into nothing,

really just sitting and thinking.

I never thought i was the type for that but appearently

when something is really bothering me, it can even shut me up....

like today, I have one of those "reflection"days just thinking,

writing, listening to music, being inspired, smile and think.

and overthink the time goes by and i loose track of time.

I am in my dreamy reflecting myself day time.

not relaxing, not tense, just thinking of answers followed by more questions...

life is a funny thing, so is my brain.....:-)

Girls who make me happy...

Awwww, warmth, love, warm wind, seaguls, icecream, bike rides, shorts, flipflops, laughter, music, sand sand sand....summer is right around the corner.
I'm so happy she came along with spring and they left their brothers fall and winter at home!
I knew there was a reason why i prefer girls!
Summer she makes my eyes twinkle, sun she makes my skin warm and soft and spring makes me long for them both!!!
:-)  Be love, Be good!

:-)

Well....this is it....

it's spring :-)

Happy happy happy spring

and like nature got the go

flowers popping up everywhere!

Sun is shining, skies are blue, it feels good!

Feel like I'm shaking off a blanket

that kept me down way too long.

body is changing, mind is also

my smile is back! and I love smiling!

keeping some doors open for friends to pop back in

they can close it behind them if not. my heart has healed

and the sun is telling me it's all going to be good!

Life is good, going to be better and I am going to fukin enjoy it!

No one is going to hold me down, back or ruin it for me.

If your friends don't throw you a party, make one yourself

life is too freaking short not to enjoy!

Welcome spring, I am happy your back I missed you bunches!

Singing my song

I sang so many songs

how sad I would be

living life without you

I walked around in fear

looking for the pain

so I could sing the blues

I pretended to be bad ass

but now when it really doesn't go well with me

I can handle it better than i thought

I dreamt of nights

wandering the streets

searching my lost soul

and now my friend,

u left me standing alone

I don't know what I did wrong

Now I really miss you

the way I always said I would

I can't write it any more intense

Or sing it with more soul

I miss you

A joke is only funny

when you don't see it coming

misery you can handle better

when you laugh about it

sorrow makes you stronger

and is bareable if you caused it yourself

the blues isnt as bad

if you have someone to share it with

Now I really miss you

the way I always said I would

I can't write it more intense

Or sing it with more soul

I miss you

2myStalker

dear stalker,

I don't like you,

I don't appreciate you,

I don't know you,

I don't like your calls

I don't like your msgs

I don't like your style

I don't want to know you

I don't like you

so dear stalker knock it off

or i'll kick your ass!!! (thanks cindy chick)

friendship is an illusion

Lost a friend, although she claimed to be a friend for a while.
I wanted her to be a friend, I cared for her dearly
supported her through a part of her journey of dedication.
Tried to be there as much as I could, patient and understanding
sometimes hard, confused and demanding.
I don't take shit from anyone, especially not from someone
who doesn't prove to be worth my endless friendship.

But for some reason I did from her.
It stings and is painful cuz I opened my heart for her

and I don't do that quickly or easily.

But she put me down, put her foot on my heart and crushed it

with convincion and dedication, crushed it cracked it and stepped on it again,

and left me there.

I got an empty spot in my heart for her, but it will heal in time.

this friendship was an illiusion,

My friend, you be good, I wish you

all the best and all that life can offer you.

Be good, Be love......(if you'll ever know how)

15 locks

how can it be?

that some of us can't give up on love,

and some throw it away like it never excisted.

is that the difference between true love,

and a crush? or a fling?

I just don't understand

I don't love easy or quickly

I have 15 locks on the door of my heart

it takes alot to unlock all of them and it's an heavy door

it takes alot to even open it.

IF you get it done, it means you are with me for life.

I do warn people for that!

I don't give up or strike out easy...call it hard headed...

I just know love and care, friendship and dedication.
I know what it means to get hurt, feel lost, be left and be loved

to strike out, fight and struggle. love with everything you got and still get hurt.

I know dedication, i know true love,

I know faith, know and practice it every day with my complete being.
I don't take it lightly when i get a promise, I don't promise quickly and when I do,

I mean it, and stick to it untill it gets dissmissed...

My friend.....

I feel an empty spot in my heart,

u, used to b there, sit there and just be.

Or made me laugh so hard that I could almost explode.

Or made me cry so hard I thought i would never overcome.

Or make me listen to your stories and adventures that I held my

breath so long, I almost bursted.

Or give me an ear full that made me think about my life

really hard.

It's still reserved for you, but I don't think

u will ever show to fill it up again.

I miss you my friend, I miss you...

Love was it ever meant to be easy?

Love was never meant to be easy............

but how do you u handle a complete struggle?

Not willing to give it up, that just isn't me.

But how do you know when you're are fighting on your own?

what are the signs?

and why am I blinded for them?

my instincts are never wrong.........why are they now?

why do I turn into goo?

Me?

the strong?

loving caring, you looking at me huh huh huh? tough loving chick? why?

am I being a leo? and wanting what I can never have?

running after someone so hard, that the someone can't do anything else than run away?

I need my oceans and mountains again! fresh cool air to clear my head, get this fog out.

meanwhile struggling, trying to understand..............me, myself and love.......

love was never meant to be easy................

??

did you ever heard your own heart breaking?

have to................

It's calling me, from the inside

A need, a want, a craving, a must

my eyes bright and wide open

my mind cloudy and foggy

the wanting, needing

and loving, lungs in pain for the fresh air

heart beating fast, blood running just by thoughts....

sun warming my face, containing me to this place

my instincts running wild needing to get out,

wind blowing and cleaning my mind....

I have to,

have to have to have to have to.................

Sleep

After your laughter like thunder

after your skin like coffee and cream

after it takes our bodied into the night

after we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder

just inside your arm

I want to listen to your heart beat

your breathing on and on

I want to lay down on your shoulder

surrender to your peace

and go to sleep

After we've gone a million miles

made true our dreams with sweat and bone

after we've built it up with our bare hands

made strong a place we can call home

and when the light in my eye is fading

when running water becomes too deep

finally angels turn my fire to dust

and when my soul's no longer mine to keep

I want to lay down on your shoulder

just inside your arm

I want to listen to your heart beat

and your breathing on and on

I want to lay down on your shoulder

surrender to your peace

and just go to sleep...........

-Melissa Etheridge- Sleep- breakdown.

run free...........

I just want to sit on the top of a mountain,

waiting till the sun comes back up, and touch my face

and tell me everything will be ok again.

breath, and breath take a deep breath, feel the cold air

filling my lungs till it hurts, and scream, scream till the last air leaves

my body and makes my tears run free and run and run......

makes my soul run free, as free as free as it wants to be.

to be, to be, to be who I want to be.......

instant answers

when it cuts deep, it cuts deep..................

confusion, questions, wondering, wandering,

no instant answers, just open the bag, poor them out and let me go

find the right one, and put it on a plate.............and hand it over, till then

it's cutting deep..............

I feel..............

I feel, I feel......standing on an empty dusty crossroad................

My golden security, burning her flames high up in the sky warming the air,

looking down at my boots, digged into sand and dust,

Kicking up a rock, leaves a little dust cloud which I see dissapear

in the soft tender warm wind, touching my face and dancing with my hair.

I feel, I feel.....so lost and found at the same time,

my jacket feels safe and out of place unknown and familiar

when I take it off, I can feel the the touch of sun on my back,

warming me up instantly, I close my eyes and take the warmth in

I feel, I feel.....lonely and loved in a rollercoaster of emotions

silence and chaos, when I watch the empty dust crossroad and try to touch

the horizon, out of reach and so close to me, so unreachable but wanting........

I feel, I feel.............

Be good, be loved.......

run...........

I really want to run right now

through the fog, and out run it

misty as my head

nothing but my own breathing

the wet cloudy air

makin me soaked

my hair drips water drops on eyebrows

running into my eyes

hiding my tears

from a heavy heart

and sleepless nights

asking the sun to be strong

burn it off, take away my clouds

and get me clear headed again

so I can see

expectations

do you ever think about those?

expectations................they hurt...........but who does?

yourself, u, u are having the expectations....that others don't know about.

but you expect them to know, and if they don't they hurt you, while

honestly you hurt yourself. you are the one holding the expectations....

isn't that a confusing mindgame with yourself or is it me?

Be good Be love

Good but weird one......

I am not great on sharing really private stuff with others, other than the ones I love the most.

today is a weird day for me, for some reason I am so energized. full of good spirit

my brother turning 50 today, haven't seen or spoken to him in about 8 years....

still today, I think of him, he is close to my heart, cuz we're so much alike.

I have been thinking about my life lately, which has been a waiting game for the last

7 years, waiting for the weight of the world to fall of my shoulders and go home.

All I want is go home home home home

sometimes love is worse than the poison in your vains its there but it can hurt and kill you.

I keep it contained, and it bursts like jack in a box at the time when I can.

The only company I got right now is a couple of empty cd boxes my songbook, laptop and phone.

I created some wonderfull pics today with showing strangers my city on twitter.

wondering and asking for responses that never come. waiting again. and again and again.

while my creative and active mind runs 150 miles per hour, I am waiting away the time difference. taken away another day even it was a good but weird one.

Be good, Be love

Kids!

have to love them,

have to snuggle, cuddle, fight, argue, tell, annoy,

listen, feed, taxi, teach, laugh, learn, raise your voice (rarely)

stimulate, influence, protect, carry, nurse and hug them.

sometimes not! in puberty not!

but HAVE to love them....

unsubcribed

Huh?

I was ready,

I unsubcribed from Melissa Etheridge mailinglists.

Don't get me wrong, her music runs through my blood

how can it be different after rocking with her for 23 years.

And I do have my ticket for her concert in Amsterdam in 2012.

But stuff changed, the more emails came in with new footage, interviews

merchandise, the more it irritated me that it all says speak true.....

She isn't speaking true any more..........so her music stays but she is out!

Be good, be Love

Mother nature.............

Not sure if I have something to say worth to share today

just being bored with my own thoughts I guess.

Life is just going and going feeling like it's even slipping at times

yesterday I applied for my green card AGAIN! 7TH time!

isn't it becoming time I will get it this time around?

I am a good egg, I believe. I do anything to return stuff that

I find to the rightfull owner. I help people cross the street

I'm almost a girl scout lol, work hard, love even harder!

so why? why am I not united with my wife and son yet?

just because mother nature told me I don't love boys as much as

I love girls? just people in grey suits made this this wonderful thing

into something wrong?

It's not fair! when do they understand being gay is NOT A CHOICE!

it's no virus, or something you can fix! it just is!

why can't I start my life with the ones that I love most?

our lives are on hold for 7 years!

our son is growing up to be a wonderful young man, and I am missing

the best parts!

Life is full of surprises in love and joy, I can only share it over the phone daily

or 6 weeks a year!

How is that fair? man in grey suits, get your head out of eachothers butt

and see what the world really is about!!

Love mother nature in all her glory and diversity! including gays!

Be good be love!

Liars and snakes

It keeps surprising me how many people lie!

over nothing, over absolutely unimportant little things.

I am, for some reason, really good in finding out the truth

have been cheated on, stabbed in the back, mistreated and lied to,

I guess that helped developing this skill.

Why is what I wonder, why? what do you gain with it?

all it takes is a lot of energy, remembering your lies.

Today I confronted someone with her lies, and I got lied to on top of the lie!

She is member of my blood related family so I can't cut her out of my life

but I am willing to. Just be honest, I can handle that much better!

And what is it about? absolutely nothing, you don't have time? don't feel like it?

just want to be a couch potato? fine! I don't need some made up excuse to not hang out,

just tell me, you want to go to the beach and hang with other people today it's fine!

No hard feelings, but lie? make up something so YOU feel better cuz you think you give me

a good excuse? DON'T

I don't do good on bullsh*t, I grow better on light and love

so get away from me with your dark clouds and lies

and I can let the sunshine in.

be good be love!

twitter

Follow @QuasyG

Maybe for the best...

I've got it all I've started it all....
a travel blog,
hyves, my space, face book got it all, you can find me.....
but only thing is.I'm not sure if i want to be found yet.
It's funny how comfortable you get the longer you're online.
I started in a chat room of my favorite rock star, Melissa Etheridge.
That was fun for a while,
it destroyed relationships and build new ones,
after that I figured it was time to get the hell out.
(to make sure it wouldn't destroy the amazing relationship i have now)
Many people have sick minds and destroyed the website and the fun for all the good eggs.
the chat room is taken down.

Right at the time I met my wife I started it off with this blog,
anonymous, putting my thoughts into words for my wife being
overseas so she can read my moods every day.
staying comfortable and unknown, more and more invitations kept repeating
themselves in my inbox.

apparently people want to see my face and read profiles and be my friend.
so i caved, and gave in. it's funny how when you finally make a profile you do can't seem to find those friends any more....

I have more friends online than I have in "real"life, today i went through alot of old stuff
trying to put together what I'm taking to the states and what I leave here or throw away.
found alot of stuff of people who disappeared from my life... some you find back online, some has disappeared forever....maybe that's for the best....

Smell the daisy's

My life sucks,
my work sucks well in all actuality my boss sucks,
the distance between my wife and me about 5000 miles, sucks,
the weather sucks, snow, snow and more snow!
And my bank account sucks,
so conclusion my life sucks!
And the only one who can change it is me!
that sucks even more!

Not that i don't trust my own skills and posibilities
but I miss the... how do you say... tools?
I mean, there is much that I can get done,
but sometimes you would think, something can come easy...
just a little bit of help would be so much appreciated.
Every day I tell myself,
smell the daisy's,
life is good,
life is grant,
life is love and love is peace!
But there are so many people
trying to destroy that truth for me
it's sometimes so hard to live my life with that truth.
It's like everyone is trying to prove different!

So here's another sunday night, crying on webcam,
cuz I miss my Angel so much,
picking myself up, picking my angel up, picking my son up,
trying to be that ray of sunshine again, to keep good spirit
and smell the daisy's.....

Reflections

Wednesday at work, yesterday i went through a little personal hell, i got my nail extracted from my toe, without anesthetic OMG! talking about pain!!!! so i got my foot up today, at work got picked up by my boss from home, very spoiled!
last couple of months not much happend it's same old same old, war, love, seperation from the one I love, work. I thought my life would look different by now.
its time to reflect my life i guess, now i've turned 40 (no it didn't hurt, but stings) for some reason, you see things in a different setting.
I never really set a goal for myself, and now i feel im missing a goal, although i have one big one that all my focus goes to. (getting home to USA)
The Missing, is worse, more painful more sad and more consuming... feels like everyone is soaked with my misery, so u get no feedback any more except, "you will get there no worries"very understandable, but not helping. Sometimes you just want to scream!!! and you want some decent feedback and answers! but im babbling again, and staring off to lala land its time to get back to work, im in a writing mood today so probably more later.....

a long long time ago...

Man, it has been a while.
so long that i had to look up my username
including the paswords...I'm so spoiled sitting here
with my brandnew 2009 wireless laptop...never been this spoiled
in my life! but happy! man im so happy!It's weird how i realize at times
that I'm raised really dutch, down to earth and working hard for stuff.
be happy with a hand me down aslong as it works you shouldn't be complaining.
But oh boy, I'm happy as a little kid on christmas morning and I'm enjoying it!
Lots of stuff happened on the other hand nothing really changed..
Im still completely in love..she spoils me rotten...but still too far away and still I want to go home.
Obama is bringing the change.. I can feel it.. I think he is going to bring me home! and not because I'm anything or anyone special but ya know, I, we deserve it! almost five years were proving our love to who it needs to be proven to. It's not hard work to love each other, it's hard work to be so far away from each other. It's asking a lot of energy, love and determination to keep hanging on, believing, loving, screaming, crying and Loving to believe and feel this love is the one! My sugar is!! we're keeping hope, there is no other option!

Ya know what? it feels good to write again, it brings me peace, and as always my fingers just go without thinking. without stopping, my fingers put in words what my mind is thinking its funny how im watching dutch tv while my mind and my fingers connect in English. Could I be using a bigger percentage of my brain, cuz i can do both languages at the same time? lol i wish there was a test to try it out.

Well after sitting here a while and typing i don't want this to become to long, but I'm going to be back tomorrow for sure cuz this feels good.
and it was a long long time ago when i started this blog...let's keep it going!

I love you sugar! ;-)

new old blog.....

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Lucky
it flew by3 weeks of passionlove, fun, laughter
safety,confidence friendship, motherhood
tickle fights, passionate nightsgiggles,
looks and LOVE
Love with a capital L
Oh my god, I am so completely in
LLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
with this womanshe is my world,
I know there are other couples
who probably feel this connection
for me it's the first time
she really makes my heart jump of Joy
like I NEVER felt before.

still feel the same way..............years later.......... :-)

Little Yellow Notes

After a week on high
on clouds of love and laughter
after sugar and candy canes

i find yellow notes
yellow notes of love and laughter
yellow notes of sugar and candy canes

yellow notes of being home soon
yellow notes of love and laughter
little yellow notes every where!

Confessions and Jealousy

Sometimes you have just thoughts, stuff that enters your mind and doesn't let go, some call it just thoughts, others call it jealousy or obsessions, controlling. Different people different opinions different thoughts different names. It doesn't matter how any one else reads whatever I'm writing. Some understand, some don't, some let it go, some blow it up and way out of proportion. I don't really care, I am not a public figure so I don't think any one else cares either. There is just one person who I want to understand and she already does, so I have no worries, just thoughts..............

You know the feeling how some person can get under your skin? In a bad and worried way?How your guts tell you not to trust that person and your mind tells you to try?It doesn't happen to me often, this is the second time in my life, and I can't seem to cut is loose.The first time, we go back to another life, and way back in time! No one listened to me, every body told me I was seeing things that weren't there! But I saw signs, that girl, couldn't be trusted. I've tried to let go, and under pressure of friends and partner we kind of became” friends" and slowly our lives tangled up. Alarm signs kept going off, but I was told over and over, not to pay attention to them, so in the end, over a period of ten years, I didn't any more. I got kind of numb for them. Somewhere in the back of my mind, some little beep went off every time I saw her, or heard her talking to who I loved most at that time. And when we talked, I was told I was jealous of nothing, paranoid and even controlling.People, friends and even her, kept telling me that I saw something that wasn't there! I should get over it, and I turned in to someone who tries to control every situation, so I was told. That station hurts me the most. Me controlling? ummm hello I am a Leo!! What do you expect? I want to keep and protect what I got, and even my wild species, will fight when it comes to their woman! It's in my genes and in my guts, but I got numb and didn't listen to those guts anymore.

After ten years, I turned out to be right!!!! the one I didn't trust wasn't to be trusted all along! Many people told me so, that I was right! and they didn't see what I saw and felt! But what good did it do me at the time? None!Present!

Now, today! a different life! completely different person, complete different situation and the same alarm bells going off.....................

We started of as friends this time, something happened and that feeling came back right away! It's like it's revenge, revenge for not getting me, having me, or being able to love me? I don't know, I do know that Love and Hate are related! Cuz that is what happened with person #1 (did I mention she was an exgirlfriend?)But oh well person #2 is scarier, she is dripping into my personal life through the love of my life. (Let's get one thing straight, I trust my angel, completely, all the way and blind folded, hanging on a cliff with her holding just my little pinky finger)that she became friends with.

But I see the same approach, getting to the girlfriend to turn my life into a hell. Sadly enough for me, they became friends and surprisingly enough she seems to be a good friend. Except when it comes to me. I would think any "real" friend, would be happy when your best friend has the love of her life in her live, and even tho they live 5000 miles away they're still being faithful. And when they can finally see each other once out of twice a year, you would be happy that they can be together and you would give them all the time they need to be together? And not like person #2 feel neglected when they spent 2 weeks together, they come visit you 5 times in those 2 weeks?

ALARMBELLS!

to me, and my guts, that’s jealousy! not from me, but from her! I don't know, I so hear people say things that I don't want to hear. I can see how she looks at my Angel, and it freaks me out so bad, that a lot of person #1 comes back. Different this time is that I trust my Angel so I am not worried. But it's kind of like having a stalker I guess. She moved in to the house also, she shares a house with the person I love most! I am not scared, or worried just freaked out that situation #1 is partly repeating itself. Some ones Obsessive behavior and hating my guts.

I am jealous tho, really jealous!The snake (person#2) is able to look into my Angel's amazing, swimming pool in summer colored, shiny making your heart jump eyes every day!

Jealous! of the snake being able to hear my Angel's ,touch my heart, kill me and I'd die happy, laugh every day!

Jealous of the snake being able to smell her, walking by and make your knees collapse, crash to the ground and knock the wind out of you, scent.

Jealous of the snake being able to spent time with MY family, OUR son, and OUR life, and MY greatest one and only love of my life!And yes it hurts!It hurts when I hear, that they're doing stuff together! And keeping in touch when my angel is on a trip! While it's hard for us to stay in touch because I'm so far away! And yes it makes my skin crawl, when I hear her say things about my Angel, while I didn't even knew that! And yes it makes my blood boil how she is going through our stuff to clean out the garage or house!

But I understand!

She is a friend!

Just not mine!

It feels like we took a stalker into the house! Like a mad fan, who just wants to be around you and know everything! Keep your friends close, and you’re enemies closer! But this is a little too close for my taste! We don't have a choice tho, and it will only be for a year! God I am praying for strength!

the thing that concerns me most, is that Angel didn't see! she is now tho, but still some stuff she doesn't see. And I know some of this stuff is my paranoid mind! But hell how do you respond? When you realize you found THE ONE! and some one else is after her? I will fight battles for her! I drive her crazy at times, I am lucky she is patient with me, and she understands and she knows it's out of love and that I trust her completely but I know I drive her to madness at times! I see my bears on the road! I know! But I also got back to trusting my guts!and my alarmbells!

It would all be easier to handle if we just lived under one roof, as a family, the family that we are! but the damn miles inbetween make it hard! And were working so hard to make those go away! 3 years now and we didn't get an inch closer! my heart is with her my mind is also......my evil eye is on the snake...........

where my wings carry me.......

As birds fly in my clouded mind
my mind wanders off to borderless
countries, mountains and cities

to where my mind wants to go
to a place my heart belongs
and my head lays to rest

to where my fingers want to touch
my skin is longing for
and my wings wants to fly

thousands of miles my wings
did carry me, the wind brought me
and my mind wandered off too

still my body is trapped in a place
I don't want to be, my heart doesn't belong
and my hands can't touch the one I love

hoping for stronger wings to carry me
by the hands of wind
to the one that I love

Sleep

After your laughter like thunder
After your skin like coffee and cream
After it takes our bodies into the night
After we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heart beat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to your peace
And go to sleep

And when we've gone a million miles
Made true our dreams with sweat and bone
After we've built it up with our bare hands
Made strong a place we can call home
And when the light in my eye is fading
When running water becomes too deep
Finally angels turn my fire to dust
And when my soul's no longer mine to keep

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heartbeat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to the peace
And just go to sleep


lyrics Melissa Etheridge

Rollercoaster ride

I don't know how, and I don't know why,
but I am sure enjoying it.
the roller coaster is on again, and we're still
going up and up

aware that at some time it will burst in energy
loose his grip, and can only hope it will
follow the trail and slide us gently down
to an abrupt stop and the end of the road

right now we're on the high and enjoying it!

imagine that

wow! Imagine that.....................

train of thoughts

it's been a while and man alot has happend
it's typical for me to turn to my blog when stuff
is bothering, or overwhelming me I also turn here
when I feel lonely or misunderstood
I feel like I can reorganize my own thoughts to see
them back all written down.
I used to do that on paper but no one to share it with then
and i felt offended when some one did read it,
it's easier some how to share it with people I don't know
that I don't see, and won't comment on my world of thoughts.
Some days I have nothing to say, cuz haven't spoken one word all
day really. And some times I just talk to my baby this way, words
that are written down will never be lost.

Stolen hours, given days

While my body is trying to get back into the timezone
I originally live in(which isn't working very well I am writing at 6 am)
my mind keeps wondering back to the wonderfull time I had this time with my Angel.

after the long wait that always keeps us a part from each other, it was finally that time,
and we complained earlier this year about the hours "they" keep steeling from us
when it comes to day light saving. We laughed and cried, held each other, made love, and were loving, a family, did chores and all the things a normall family does.

for the miles in between were not a normall family, other than that, I think we come pretty close. But what is normal any way.
any how.......................my flight was changed and I got to my Angel's arms an hour later then we planned, so again "they" stole an hour from us. But like always we never put to much energy to it and moved on with being our happy little selves.

After a while, the time came close rapitly for me to return to my originial timezone and inside we weren't ready for that yet, we both had the feeling something wasn't done yet, but only human as we are we didn't paid much attention to it, other than the heartbreak that we go through and the tears and need of sucking up every touch and kiss.

We did what we normally never do, and checked my flight stuff on net, my flight was cancelled!!
how was I to get my butt to Chicago now? Were my plane to Amsterdam was waiting? Kinda nervous and grinny but sick to my stomach we tried to figure out what happend! and indeed it was cancelled! To cut a long story short, After a lot of phonecalls, recalls and emails and two other flights later I got my flight on Wednesday! 3 days later than I was supposse to leave the states!

So all the stolen hours were given back in days.......................

just some thoughts..............

I am not in the mood any more to start a blog about the subject I was thinking about

when I drove home from work today.

I wrote a long blog that I don't want to share with the world today

that only happens once in a while.

I called it Scared Heart, but I really don't want to talk about it.



I want to write stuff down but don't know where to begin.

I am wondering if any one will understand my rambling

or even read my blog any more. I am wondering how many

people think my blog is making them understand.

How hard it is, to love some one that you can't be with yet.

it's awesome that the Internet makes the world so much smaller



but it's still damn big to me, when I feel like this

and I can't feel save, I can't get comfort and warmth

It still feels huge when you want to talk to the one you love

and you can't and man, is it a long walk over there.

I wish the Universe listened

The Universe Listened - Melissa Etheridge

We do our best
We stay in step
As time goes marching by
There's something wrong
We don't start living
Until we almost die
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listens

Well I was born
With a silver thorn
On a Midwest rose
I found out fast
Love is last
And it comes and goes
I made a deal
Hearts to steal
They will know my name
I'll pay the price, any price
Just give me the fame
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listened

A perfect song
My love is wrong
So I ache the dark
A hero's close
The story goes on
But I hate the part
I chose to fault
Destroy it all
But I will rise again
I believe in love
Please send me love
And I will try again
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened

Rue the dark
Cue my heart
Make my body whole
I found my angels
Found my spirit
Yes, I found my soul
Teach me how
Show me now
This light has taken me
I'm not ashamed
Help me explain
This awakening
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah

Letter to my lover

hey there sweetheart!

today was another sunday without you, but were getting closer. We also know when it does, it's getting harder somehow to be without each other. Holland had a crisp and cold sunday behind. the sky was as blue as your amazing eyes and the sun greeted me as your smile! And it was cold burrrr very cold, but I woke in the warmth of your hands and your love wrapped as a warming blanket around me.


waking up to silence, and a cold house with your love spinning my head making me dizzy and smiling.
you make me more happy then i could ever imagine, just knowing you love me is keeping my heart warm, my face smile, my head spin, my body tingle.
even tho were far a part, seas need to be crossed to be together we feel together and far away all at the same time, on the same day.
Not every day is a good day, not every moment a good moment, but we can still love and laugh fight and argue, make faces, and blow kisses to each other even tho not together.

together at heart baby, and as I tell you and everybody who wants to know.
YOU ARE THE ONE! the one I spend rest of my life with, the one that i will grow old with,
the one that I am loving, and honoring, in sicknes and in health for good and for bad till death do us part and beyond. Cuz with you I also feel, like Melissa knows how to put it, I've loved you before, and I do now, and going to do it again and again and again.

now stepping in a cold bed, with you in my ear, and a smile on my face feeling loved.
I love you! and this paper will hold my promise to you,
we will be together soon, cuz nothing can keep us from being together.
Not seas, nor president, nor laws, nor parents or papers..............

I love you now and beyond.........

You've got mail..........

I got some amazing E-mails from my Angel
the last couple of days, really wanted to send this
one out to the world.................

Hey gorgeous – Do you know how much I love you? Do you know that you are my everything? Do you realize how happy you make me? Do you realize that I cant live without you? Do you know how lucky I am to have you in my life?


I just want you to know that I do not take what you do for us for granted and that I thank God everyday for you! I love you so much! You are so awesome! I don’t know what I would do without you!!

screaming heart

Being tough all day,
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind,
giving me the twinkle in my eye

no one sees my hidden cries,
my tears that flow in the dark
my screaming heart of loneliness
my empty arms, tired from not holding anything

appeared rested and at ease
settled with the fact, my angel and I aren't together yet
words of hope and believe, those are true, no doubts
but at night, when I come home in a cold dark house
that doesn't even feel like home any more
my heart screams so hard it's deafening
and still no one hears it,

after a rough day, there is no time
no time to cry in the arms of the one I love
no room, to snuggle up with the one I love most
I cry my tears in silence, till my eyes are swollen
and my troth is sore of holding back

being tough all day
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there,
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind
carrying the twinkle in my eye....

Screaming Butterflies

heavy weight is pushing down my chest
it feels really tight
My heart is happy tho
I am sleepy it's late
my mouth is smiling
my eyes filled with tears
My fingers writing my mind
with her,
no sense, no sense at all
hard to describe when you
miss someone so much
that it hurts

can any one imagine?
that pain? the emptiness you feel,
and still feel lucky, cuz I am loved?
at least I have some one that loves me,
as I love her, not every one does
I found the one, THE ONE!
pain, despair, hurt, tears
joy, loved, butterflies, confusion

my mind is tired and not thinking straight
my fingers want to write to get my mind at ease
my soul screams, my mouth is silence
my eyes are closing but fighting to see
my chest is breathing but tight
my stomach still got butterflies.........

I am fine, I am Loved

I realized today how I have mentally grown
I am fine, I am loved!
the last couple of years,
one of my fears was to be alone,
not alone at the house, but alone in love,
alone in doing stuff.

Mother nature fixed that, she made me fall
in love with my Angel who is 5000 miles away from me
I am alone when I come out of work
A loving sweet purring kitty is rubbing my leg
for attention, food and love.

I go to bed alone,
waiting in the dark,
staring and thinking
till the phone rings
and my Angels sweet voice
brings light in a blinded room.

I wake up alone,
with a long slender furry body,
purring next to me
who is squeezing his eyes,
and yawning when I turn on the light and my radio warns me its time to get up
disappointed that I disturb his comfort
I stretch and reach into my nightstand drawer
to get out my cellphone,
a message from my Angel,
every morning,
to wake up with a smile.

I shower alone,
let the warm water run my body
close my eyes and imagine,
that the warmth I feel
are the sweet little soft hands of my baby

I make breakfast and lunch to go,
feed my kitties,
get a grateful head bump
as my thank you kiss and leave for work alone
I'm physical alone, although I have my kitties,
but my biggest fear, my real demon, I defeated
I am not alone, I am not an Island
I am fine, I am loved

Morning headache, lawfully be wed..........

Hoping praying,
I got a good feeling about this
the Lottery stuff it was time for it again
to take a chance to get a green card
so I can stay with the one I love

I want it to be time
to leave the morning headaches behind
and wake with a soft warm hand on my skin
to wake up and see the amazing clear bright blue eyes of my angel,
instead of the dead brown ones of my stuffed animal

to kiss the morning a warm welcome even when it's freezing outside.
to feel her warm little feet snuggling in between mine
It's time to convince the government of our love
and that we want to be lawfully wedded
And spent the rest of our lives together

and have all the little joys that seems to be so normal
for people who are together but so special for the ones
that can't be together yet. I say YET course I can't give up
the hope!
My heart is with her, my brain is with her,
my dreams are with her.
it's time for the morning headaches to be gone............

Bring it on................

When you try to start a new
it's like past tries to catch up on you.
My angel and me, we both started second jobs
to come by easier and already kinda build on our
future together even still a part.

Even tho, i defeated all my demons in the past
some, for whatever reason, finds it amusing to
pop up once in a while. My biggest demon found me
after 3 years of silence, to notice I have changed.

another demon, so called friend from UK, i confronted with her actions,
in a place I use to go. Some people weren't charmed of the way
how I confronted her with her lies, but I got it out, and sent her
some demons to live with. Not my worry any more.
felt mistreated and I fixed it its now done and over with.

It feels so good, being so sure in life, feeling secure in love,
making me a stronger woman, and fearless to face my demons
if they decide to hunt me down, all I can say, is show me what you got!
and bring it on. course the love of my Angel makes me brave,
the sun in my heart makes me strong, and our love makes me fearless
this Leo is roarrrrrrrrrrrrring again.............................

A life changing expierence.....

for some reason I was thinking today
about my most embarrassing moment ever,
and I went
back to middle school 12 years old, at Dutch class
the teacher said, if there is anything you don't understand
or a word that you don't know, raise you're hand and ask me..........I did, man how I did............

so one of the students hit off with what ever it was that was written
and we stumbled upon a word that I, little miss naive, didn't know,
so really fanatic I raised my hand and as soon as the teacher told me
to tell him what it was I didn't understand I blurred out;..........MASTURBATION!
what does the word Masturbation means...................

I looked around me right away course I heard some popular kids,
smirk and laughing out loud, even the teacher had a fade smile on his face,
I felt my face turning red and my temples slamming the inside of my head
with full power, and the thought that I must have asked something really stupid,
but till that moment I still didn't know what I've asked.
As I looked around the classroom, slowly lowering my hand and feeling stupid,
the teacher said; sexual self satisfaction................before he even finished the last
word I felt my heart drop!! being naive and with an innocent smile, I tried to
put all my charms in to not just die right there..............
My heart was pumping faster than ever, and all I could say was; oh..........
I could feel my hands turning moist and I didn't feel so good to my stomach,
I faced my book laying on the desk and tried to disappear in thin air..........it didn't work

the rest of middle school,
I've never asked another word I didn't knew again, I looked it up in my dictionary
once I was home, never wanted to die of embarrassment in a class room again.
but amazingly I never got it back through classmates, I've never been teased with it.
and when I got home from school that day and my mom asked me how my day was, all I said was, I learned about masturbation today.............................

come on in..........

hm mm several times I opened up a new sheet
figuring out how to write a new blog
for some reason inspiration has left
thoughts are at ease or the same all the time
today it's 9/11 wow still when I see those planes
disappearing into those towers
my heart skips a beat

and here is another winter time
coming around the corner
Fall is leading winter in to our country
slowly leafs are turning into they're dying colors
dying colors but full of life

evening already shorter
cats back purring on my lap
winds haunting the house
candles are lite

winter come on in...................

Please god?

going through pictures
smiles and love
it sometimes really hurts
to watch the pictures and see how
happy we are together once together
we both feel like its not going to be long any more
being apart, with 5000 miles in between
hating the distance, the different timezones
the missing and the crying.

we started over.
a new life for the both of us
working harder to be together
more focused on what we really want
how we are going to do it
planning, talking, writing planning begging all over again

it seem so unfair, creating a love that cannot be shared.......... (Melissa Etheridge song)
we still share our love
working hard for the money to be able to
see each other with Xmas, in summer
but truly i just want to share
all seasons in my baby's arms

watching leaves fall
seeing summer sunsets
walking through fresh fallen snow
be amazed over the first flowers coming through

we want it all. dreaming is the only thing
that keeps us going, along with the strong love we have
knowing, convinced found the one,
that one you want to spend rest of your life with
your soul mate
the love of you're life
they say you only meet that person once in you're life
then why can't we share the rest of it together yet?

I want to start the rest of our lives now
please god?

Tears

pain, tears, missing


sounds broken heart.


missing more, more tears, more pain

feeling helpless, feeling blue

crying..........

watching pictures, see her smile

warming me from the inside out

longing for her voice, it's late,

stretching cat, glaring eyes,

turning of light,

tears....................

Big dreams, big city, little sleep

Big dreams keeping me up
instead of taking me away
on a big comfy cloud,
it's keeping me up,
making me toss and turn.

the possibility to move
is here, not to the states
but the the east of my country
out of the city
the house is there, a friends
that is willing to let us move in
so why not go already
and get it ready

afraid, no one there I know
except that one friend
but it's a chance to start a new
sigh what to do?
will life be better there?
more jobs maybe?

a bigger house for sure
with a back yard
in a nice new neighbourhood
fresh air, out of the city,
will I still be dutchcitygirl?
or will I become dutchfarmgirl
formally knows as dutchcitygirl.

my cats will have a better life there
more room for Dakota(our dog) to come over
from the states.
more room, but what do I need more rooms for
as long as I am by myself?

further away from my family,(read brother and his wife and kids)
will it be easier?
will I be brave enough?
to just do it?
It's keeping me up...........

I need to sleep it over for a night......
but wasn't that the problem to begin with?

An I love you email.

written by my baby at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:11:21 -0700 (PDT)

sit here wondering when the day will come. will it be tomorrow?
The next day but I hope the day we dream of is here soon!
I feel so bad that I am not always able to show you everyday how much I love you!
I know you feel it when we are together and I hate the pain you have when are not together! We always talk about that mystical day I just wish so much that the day was today!
I am happy that we have a past, present and future.
I just wish I could tell you a day and give you light to focus on.


written by me at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:21:11 -0700 (PDT)

baby you're so sweet, but you know what? YOU are the light that I focus on!
You are the one that keeps me going.
I don't need a date for knowing how much we love each other.
I want to see you every day, but I don't need to, to know that you love me!
I know how much you love me. Your love is traveling 5000 miles every day to get to me!
You know how strong love has to be to do that?
I wish we were together too, don't get me wrong. But I feel your love, every day! As long as we keep faith, and believe and know that, that day will come, it will be soon.

thank you for loving me,

always yours.

to hold her again

She is again 5000 miles away
when I woke in the morning
and reached out for her,
she was gone
my brain was waking up
and realized that she has gone back.

I miss her. already.
my body response to missing her
is getting sick
so instead of waking with my sweetheart
I woke up with two tennis balls
in my neck, and no voice.........

while swallowing feels like eating razorblades
has my chin disappeared into my swollen neck
with a fever, and sweating so much that I have to
change shirts every two hours

so not just my heart is homesick to her
my body is also
we started the countdown again
121 days left to hold her again........

Lucky

it flew by
3 weeks of passion
love, fun, laughter
safety,confidence
friendship, motherhood
tickle fights, passionate nights
giggles, looks and LOVE
Love with a capital L

Oh my god, I am so completely in
LLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
with this woman

she is my world,
I know there are other couples
who probably feel this connection
for me it's the first time
she really makes my heart jump of Joy like I NEVER felt before.

these last 3 weeks were amazing.
we traveled this little country almost
from top to bottom by train........

now I miss her touch,
her soft lips on mine
her hand on my back that seems always there
her fingers in my hair,
the smile on her face
and that amazing look in her eyes when she looks at me being silly with our son

now emptiness and loneliness
hit me hard,
while her scent is still in the sheets,
when I find blue little notes like EVERYWHERE!!
notes that tell me
how much she loves me,
how soon were going to be together,
how true our love is,
and how lucky we are to "have" each other

And I feel lucky and amazingly happy
with someone who loves me the way she does
and still I want more
more in being together
under one roof, waking up together
every morning not 5 weeks a year

I feel lucky,
and still I cry..................

27 july 2007 00.00 AM

30 hours
30 minutes
and 30 seconds...................

Drifting mind.......fingers in dirt

Some time off
happy that I do
when I closed the door
at work today
I felt freedom

I look at my rain drowned
little back yard
and feel so sorry
that I wasn't able
to save my plants from
horrible drowning death

the only one i could save
was my sunflower
and it's growing over my head
I love to dig my fingers in dirt
and create new life in my own little way

but well I am drifting with my mind
but hey, that's fine, I have time off yay
my baby is coming home with our son.
my flowers need to be saved and new one to be planted

visit and do some fun stuff
and enjoy being together as a family
that joy is way bigger as the sunflower
brings me
but they still both bring me sunshine
just one more than the other

but I've learned
to enjoy the small
appreciate the smallest
and live the biggest

My old friend

(basic lyrics tim Mcgraw,my Old Friend)

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again
My old friend,

I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why,
don't know why
Don't know why,
don't know why

My old friend,
this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you are here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend


My old friend, my old friend

Ghosts from the past.

For some reason
I went to that place
thought i would have
some fun and distraction

don't understand
how i could ever
be addicted to that place
that chat room

when I look back
I don't see myself
I see a lost, lonely young woman
vulnerable for any attention

today I went back
and in the beginning it was good
it was nice to talk
to some old friends
and proud as I am
I got my power tattooed
on my back

I wanted to share
so I sent the pic
to an old friend
and she made a comment
that shocked me

a ghost from the past
rushed back into my life
it upset me
like a bat swung at my head

a different life
another me,
confronted me with who I was

I called my honey
and told her what happened
she kept me save
restored what ever damage was done
told me she loves me
and slammed the door
for the ghost from the past

she is the one..............

Life List

I was watching some
old shows of Ellen
although they're never
broad casted before in
Holland so for the Dutch's
they're new shows

and she keeps talking
about making this life list
and I gave it some thought
and It's kinda fun,
to put everything you want
to do in you're life on paper

and make it visual
so here is the beginning
of my life list
someday I will complete it
and put it out here
for the world to see
but I've started it

1. Move to the USA to be with my baby and our son under one roof.

2. make 4 to 6 week a coast to coast trip with my baby and our son from California to New York city by car,RV or truck

3. Visit South Africa (and go to chimp rescue)

4. Meet Melissa Etheridge face to face

5. visit Mexico (Guatemala or/and Honduras)

6. visit Bonaire

well I guess I got some stuff to work to for a while huh?

One Love

counting days
to pass by
happy when one is over
getting closer

to be in each other arms
feel skin
kisses and soft lips
playing tongues

sparkling eyes
racing heartbeats
big smiles

joy full days
passionate nights
lots of laughter
comfortable silences

kid giggle
tickle fights
sticky fingers
pile of toys
screaming cars

my family
home, one roof
one family
one home
one love......

Live Earth Melissa Etheridge 7/7/07

Live Earth 7/7/07
wow.......

I watched it all
from 9 am kick off with the
concert in Sydney
till 3 am closing up in New York city

the act that i was waiting for
finally Melissa was getting to
the stage

and man was I in shock
she looked awesome
her eyes had the sparkle
but man! her hair, the jacket
and the purple shirt........

what was she thinking?(or Tammy)
How much I like Tammy and Melissa
I really think they made a bad judgement
on Melissa's outfit this time!

I know I shouldn't care about her appearance
I love her regardless and I do
I am just used to better I guess

her hair kinda yellowish pinkish
a purple shirt
with a army green jacket...........

like I said the sparkle was there
and the fact she gained some weight,
I love that about Melissa she looks better
If she is a bit more full

I was happy to see her
and it was worth the wait.........
but Melissa.......please don't do the purple any more......

You Rock!!! grin

07/07/07

what a date........

and so much going on.......

finally the world is getting shak'n

and humanity is awaking...........

Tossing and turning on the night train

you know how thoughts can keep you up
out of your rest, your dreams your sleep
how old memories haunt you
and keep digging your mind
when you can finally lay your head to rest?

old memories that keeps you wondering
about why? and how?
how you feel conspiracy developed around you
and you couldn't see?

how little pieces of puzzles
finally come together and you can
convince yourself that it was all planned out?

how things happens at work
a lack of respect and it keeps
bugging you into the night?
how you think things over
and trying to make a script in your head
how you can handle it?

while your body is basically screaming
for sleep
and your mind makes it toss and turn
how you finally get a peace of mind
to write it all down

and your body sighs of relief
your eyes close themselves
cuz they don't find light anymore

how your soul hurts in need
and your brain keeps pounding.
that's what is going on with me
right now.
trying to put my mind at peace
by writing down and let my fingers
hit the keys, without thinking to get it out.

my head is screaming for darkness
my body is hurting
I am going to sleep.

Second hand rose

it's funny how people get frustrated
about buying stuff over the Internet.
I, myself sell some things on the
dutch what we call marketplace

in emails i get questions as
how much is shipping?
when do i get it?
its like running an actual store
check every day for new emails or bids

and stay as anonymous as i can
not giving any phone number or address
when people are happy they're nice
when they're not they can get pretty ugly

I hide behind my computer
and laugh my ass off
when I buy something for like $10
and I sell it within two weeks for $50

people have no idea whats going on
to me its something to keep me busy
till my family gets home
other than work, sleep, eat and work some more

by now i feel like a second hand rose,
i think that's how i am going to call my
Internet store "second hand rose"

a wandering mind

the night is falling
summer is on it's way
the rain keeps her out
but she is trying to get here

i feel the sheets on my skin
the darkness around me
and my thoughts are keeping
me up

mind is wandering off
into happiness and love
worries of the world
running around on my dusty attic

weight and health
how to chance
how to give
and how to receive?

just to be with the one I love
the one who is holding my heart
into her loving grip
squeezing it thight to
even love it more
to never let go.

wandering minds
running into the darkness
of the night

Summer is late..........

Summer has started
but is nowhere to be found
rain keeps falling down
soaking the earth

I am longing for that feeling
sand between my toes
from the beach
my torn jeans showing
my tanned skin underneath

my tanned face holding a smile
and sun bleached hair
my eyes summer sky blue
from soaking up sunlight all day

a white loose button down blouse
touching my sun tanned skin and
feeling comfortable on my body
my feet bare touching earth and feeling connected

my heart happy and full of joy
soaking up the sunlight energy
of summer...........it's here in date
but summer is late.........

empty spot.

So 40 days to go,
or actually it's 39 already
I just saw the time moving
to midnight
I feel seconds slide,
minutes breathing
and hours sigh

days pass,
and were counting down
our son finally got his passport
meaning our family is going to be complete
this summer.

the night wrapping me
in it's warm save cool blanket
seconds slide
minutes breathing
hours sigh

sliding my mind and being
into another lonely night
missing the warm body
just an empty spot.

Frustrated countdown...........

today was hard,
it was a long lonesome day
and I stayed up late
to be with my baby,
I got cut off short
cuz she got frustrated
with life, people, and her truck.

I do understand
her frustration
but I can't sleep
because of it
I have to get up
in 6 hours again

we miss each other
all we have is the damn phone
to at least hear each others sweet voice
and even tho the day is getting closer
frustration grows.........and grows

with no one to take it out on
except each other
so what happens...........
you re happy to hear each other
and then the frustration gets out.........

Tammy's Blog

I don't know if i can reach as many people, but it's sure worth a try, I borrowed Tammy's blog, to bring the message out further into the world. and hope for more, millions of postcards and emails.....................

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

millions de nile
breathing, i try to take in the day. the birth of a love, she is 46 today, and we've been together for over 6 years. that's a lot of breathing we've spent together, but a fraction of what is to come, i'm sure. i'm sure our bodies' rhythms are pumping in unison now, our breath, our heart rate, our hopes and dreams... we braid our lives into one palace of magic. our children fill the rooms with laughter, and reason to seek answers. their innocence gives me strength for the monsters. i can no longer live the way i used to live. i can't watch the news- that world being trashed is my children's future. when a drowning mother hands her infant off to a man in the boat, as the waters swallow her- i can't see those photos anymore. the mother is my sister, the child my child. i bleed all the way through life now. right now, i am so forlorn over the lack of consideration for human life. dancing with the stars, singing with the stars, idolizing with the stars, moving with the stars, gawking at the stars, blogging with the stars, vote for your favorite star... millions of people make a river in egypt: de nile. denial. denial has to have some sort of saving grace on my soul. denial gives me a false hope that carries me through the night while i sleep, and allows me to raise my children without needing to march anywhere or write to anyone or put a big ugly fight with the bullies of the world: the american government. fuck, i know what would happen to me if i spoke out more than i do... i'd be called a "washed-up, wannabe, muff-diving, ugly, abomination, stupid, fat, lezzbo BITCH who should go back to following MLE around like a puppy dog, and leave the big thoughts to those with balls that don't get placed in the night stand drawer."so here i am. me and my blog, and a pile of laundry and some dirty diapers, and chicken pox. and nary a postcard or a picket sign in sight. i'm still thinking about post cards. sending a shitload to somewhere, with one word on it: IMPEACH. who do we send it to? where is ken lay when you need him? if only condi would blow bush... well... there are rumors.... about the bush part, i mean. which bush, hmm...someone get me a prozac. this is so depressing. without denial, would i let the frustration of it all bubble to the top? would the sadness wash over me like watered down syrup, drowning me on my stack of flat wishes. does denial make it possible for me to get up each morning, and concentrate on what fruits and veggies my kids need to eat? does denial allow me space in my mind to save myself from more years of anxiety attacks? denial saved my ass growing up: if you don't know your mother is crazy, then you don't think "I'm raised by a crazy!" you think, "i'm raised by a colorful gal!" if i step out of my safe denial, my feelings might come up. i might get angry- and have no place to put it. (hello, sweet cindy sheehan) i might feel desperate and reach out for help- and get none (hello, conservatives). denial not only protects me from having to make a move regarding that criminal activity in the white house, but it also allows me to just be a mommy. to just let my dreams come true, let the reality of my hopes fading into truth be my point for living... granted, this world might not be here for my grandchildren... but isn't that one more reason to run away from the fact that the most powerful man in the world is an ass puppet for gold and hate mongers. ass puppet. i wish i could say that to his face. i wish i could run into him in the back room of a smokey bar. i don't know if i'd beat the shit out of him.... or knock him over the head, strip him naked, dress him up as a troop, and send him into iraq. i'm afraid, very afraid. but i'm boogeyman afraid- i don't even know what i fear. i just know i fear something. and i am mostly afraid that i fear my government.and if i step out of denial, what the hell do i do with that? if i open my eyes to find dad(bush) molesting the family(raping us of our faith, trust, patriotism), who do i go to for help? there is no mother- cheney is merely the uncle who molests the neighbor kids (WMD anyone?). do i run to get help and take the beating from the angrily quiet victims.... or do i close my eyes and go back to sleep, hoping i don't feel him this time? cuz if i don't see it, i might not feel it. and if i don't feel it, i don't have to acknowledge it's there. i don't have to accept my vulnerabilty. if i just keep denial wrapped around me, like a cashmere blanket, warm from the dryer even... i don't have to do anything different. i can just curl up with my woobie, read with blind eyes, listen with deaf ears, and don't question.... and life will be soft and safe and no one will headline my name with the word "BBBIIITTTCCCHHHHHH". why am i ready to let my life bleed dry before i am ready to put on some boots and do something?postcards. i wonder if it would do more to send the post cards to the white house or to nancy pelosi? i bet if i mailed a shitload of postcards to nancy... and the other folk who work with her... i bet there'd be something- if nothing else, at least a BLOG about the effort right? i can write a postcard. i can get a stamp. i can do this. i can buy 100 postcards, i can buy 100 stamps. i can mail one postcard a week, or one a day.... i can send them, tell my friends to send them, tell anyone to send them... millions.... a deluge of IMPEACH IMPEACH IMPEACHi think nancy would listen. i do. i just looked up her contact info, and i'm going to use it. i think i'll email her and send postcards. emailing is quick, and cheap. postcards scream "I'm not effing kidding here". so i'll do both. on the postcard, i shall write only "IMPEACH"... and in my emails, the subject will read "IMPEACH" and inside it shall only read, "BUSH". i hope she understands these two go together... not that i want to impeach someone, AND make everyone a lezbo, but rather, "IMPEACH BUSH" is the entirety of the message. i can't sit around slack-jawed at the incest and rape happening to our souls anymore, or i will need to start taking partial credit as to why our state is in such disarray. right? postcards and emails. i might be the only one doing it, but dammit... one by one is better than none by none. hm... if my 1000 "impeach" postcards and emails get him out of office... well, rootbeer floats all around!let's just see what happens. i'm going to believe this will work. believe it, know it, is is.

DC Address: The Honorable Nancy Pelosi
United States House of Representatives235
Cannon House Office BuildingWashington,
D.C. 20515-0508

Email Address: sf.nancy@mail.house.gov

impeach impeach impeach impeach impeach

impeach
go go go go go go
go sisters go brothers
go go go go go go go !!!!!!!!!

right?
posted by Tammy, midwestern girl 29.5.07

May month of hope..........

Finally its May,
May is the month of
green cards and hope.

of festivals and parties
but most of all
keeping my eye
on my mailbox
to see if the USA
government wants me
to be a citizen of a visitor.

did I pass??

can I start the rest of my life?
every day I come home
my heart dropped
scared to check the mailbox
scared of IT not being there

every day finding hope
I don't care where I live
I just want to be with her!
be happy and loved
protect her, talk to her
and help her, live with her

now at times i feel lost
and losing
confused, and lonely
misunderstood and alienated

not home in this country
not home in that country yet......
my heart is over there
my body is over here
restless...........

loved but lonely

changing, lots of changes
it feels weird,
close but apart
scaring me,
hurting me
trying to keep faith
holding on to love
missing, lonely, counting days
drifting, confused, scared,
loved but lonely

94 days to go..............

again it's been a while,
it's getting old to start with that
I know
people are reading me more lately
not that I am a loner
but I feel more lonely, lately
and I guess it's starting to show

wake up in the middle of the night
more often cause I don't feel safe
turning and tossing in my sleep
to find a solution to be together
and feel safe and secure again

the wanting, and needing is so deep
I can hardly hide it
I guess it shows.................
94 days to go............

Shallow people

It keeps surprising me
how people think they know
people without really knowing
who they are
and what their background is
and how they became
who they are today.

I am thinking about myself
why I am a loner,
why I don't let people in
any more,
Why I am vulnerable.

And why I am loving
and have so much love to give.
why I don't care about
what people look like, or what color
their skin is, or what background they
come from

I have been raised with all those
differences
seven different nationalities in our family
but no love,
No understanding, no hugs and kisses
always smiling faces,
hidden behind masks
never showing the real you
cause you will get hurt


A bigger house, a better job,
less weight, longer hair, brighter eyes,
suntanned skin, whither teeth,
Nice's clothes, bigger car,
diamond ring..........never good enough

it learned me, I try never to judge
and never show my own pain,
hide the damage
show the shell
shallow people

A Guardian Angel.

An escape from death
I call it
My honey had a fire
going on in the garage
when everyone was sleeping

An Angel must have been watching
over them and kept them save
It was a close call
full tanks of gas
and a lot of stuff easy to catch on fire close

the garage is all black
and a lot of stuff damaged or melted
the back of the car
melted away but the fire didn't hit the gas tank
the whole house would have been
blown away

everyone is save
thank god, thank you Angel!!
for keeping my family save
and put out the fire while everyone was sleeping!