it's funny how people get frustrated
about buying stuff over the Internet.
I, myself sell some things on the
dutch what we call marketplace
in emails i get questions as
how much is shipping?
when do i get it?
its like running an actual store
check every day for new emails or bids
and stay as anonymous as i can
not giving any phone number or address
when people are happy they're nice
when they're not they can get pretty ugly
I hide behind my computer
and laugh my ass off
when I buy something for like $10
and I sell it within two weeks for $50
people have no idea whats going on
to me its something to keep me busy
till my family gets home
other than work, sleep, eat and work some more
by now i feel like a second hand rose,
i think that's how i am going to call my
Internet store "second hand rose"
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
a wandering mind
the night is falling
summer is on it's way
the rain keeps her out
but she is trying to get here
i feel the sheets on my skin
the darkness around me
and my thoughts are keeping
me up
mind is wandering off
into happiness and love
worries of the world
running around on my dusty attic
weight and health
how to chance
how to give
and how to receive?
just to be with the one I love
the one who is holding my heart
into her loving grip
squeezing it thight to
even love it more
to never let go.
wandering minds
running into the darkness
of the night
summer is on it's way
the rain keeps her out
but she is trying to get here
i feel the sheets on my skin
the darkness around me
and my thoughts are keeping
me up
mind is wandering off
into happiness and love
worries of the world
running around on my dusty attic
weight and health
how to chance
how to give
and how to receive?
just to be with the one I love
the one who is holding my heart
into her loving grip
squeezing it thight to
even love it more
to never let go.
wandering minds
running into the darkness
of the night
Summer is late..........
Summer has started
but is nowhere to be found
rain keeps falling down
soaking the earth
I am longing for that feeling
sand between my toes
from the beach
my torn jeans showing
my tanned skin underneath
my tanned face holding a smile
and sun bleached hair
my eyes summer sky blue
from soaking up sunlight all day
a white loose button down blouse
touching my sun tanned skin and
feeling comfortable on my body
my feet bare touching earth and feeling connected
my heart happy and full of joy
soaking up the sunlight energy
of summer...........it's here in date
but summer is late.........
but is nowhere to be found
rain keeps falling down
soaking the earth
I am longing for that feeling
sand between my toes
from the beach
my torn jeans showing
my tanned skin underneath
my tanned face holding a smile
and sun bleached hair
my eyes summer sky blue
from soaking up sunlight all day
a white loose button down blouse
touching my sun tanned skin and
feeling comfortable on my body
my feet bare touching earth and feeling connected
my heart happy and full of joy
soaking up the sunlight energy
of summer...........it's here in date
but summer is late.........
Sunday, June 17, 2007
empty spot.
So 40 days to go,
or actually it's 39 already
I just saw the time moving
to midnight
I feel seconds slide,
minutes breathing
and hours sigh
days pass,
and were counting down
our son finally got his passport
meaning our family is going to be complete
this summer.
the night wrapping me
in it's warm save cool blanket
seconds slide
minutes breathing
hours sigh
sliding my mind and being
into another lonely night
missing the warm body
just an empty spot.
or actually it's 39 already
I just saw the time moving
to midnight
I feel seconds slide,
minutes breathing
and hours sigh
days pass,
and were counting down
our son finally got his passport
meaning our family is going to be complete
this summer.
the night wrapping me
in it's warm save cool blanket
seconds slide
minutes breathing
hours sigh
sliding my mind and being
into another lonely night
missing the warm body
just an empty spot.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Frustrated countdown...........
today was hard,
it was a long lonesome day
and I stayed up late
to be with my baby,
I got cut off short
cuz she got frustrated
with life, people, and her truck.
I do understand
her frustration
but I can't sleep
because of it
I have to get up
in 6 hours again
we miss each other
all we have is the damn phone
to at least hear each others sweet voice
and even tho the day is getting closer
frustration grows.........and grows
with no one to take it out on
except each other
so what happens...........
you re happy to hear each other
and then the frustration gets out.........
it was a long lonesome day
and I stayed up late
to be with my baby,
I got cut off short
cuz she got frustrated
with life, people, and her truck.
I do understand
her frustration
but I can't sleep
because of it
I have to get up
in 6 hours again
we miss each other
all we have is the damn phone
to at least hear each others sweet voice
and even tho the day is getting closer
frustration grows.........and grows
with no one to take it out on
except each other
so what happens...........
you re happy to hear each other
and then the frustration gets out.........
Tammy's Blog
I don't know if i can reach as many people, but it's sure worth a try, I borrowed Tammy's blog, to bring the message out further into the world. and hope for more, millions of postcards and emails.....................
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
millions de nile
breathing, i try to take in the day. the birth of a love, she is 46 today, and we've been together for over 6 years. that's a lot of breathing we've spent together, but a fraction of what is to come, i'm sure. i'm sure our bodies' rhythms are pumping in unison now, our breath, our heart rate, our hopes and dreams... we braid our lives into one palace of magic. our children fill the rooms with laughter, and reason to seek answers. their innocence gives me strength for the monsters. i can no longer live the way i used to live. i can't watch the news- that world being trashed is my children's future. when a drowning mother hands her infant off to a man in the boat, as the waters swallow her- i can't see those photos anymore. the mother is my sister, the child my child. i bleed all the way through life now. right now, i am so forlorn over the lack of consideration for human life. dancing with the stars, singing with the stars, idolizing with the stars, moving with the stars, gawking at the stars, blogging with the stars, vote for your favorite star... millions of people make a river in egypt: de nile. denial. denial has to have some sort of saving grace on my soul. denial gives me a false hope that carries me through the night while i sleep, and allows me to raise my children without needing to march anywhere or write to anyone or put a big ugly fight with the bullies of the world: the american government. fuck, i know what would happen to me if i spoke out more than i do... i'd be called a "washed-up, wannabe, muff-diving, ugly, abomination, stupid, fat, lezzbo BITCH who should go back to following MLE around like a puppy dog, and leave the big thoughts to those with balls that don't get placed in the night stand drawer."so here i am. me and my blog, and a pile of laundry and some dirty diapers, and chicken pox. and nary a postcard or a picket sign in sight. i'm still thinking about post cards. sending a shitload to somewhere, with one word on it: IMPEACH. who do we send it to? where is ken lay when you need him? if only condi would blow bush... well... there are rumors.... about the bush part, i mean. which bush, hmm...someone get me a prozac. this is so depressing. without denial, would i let the frustration of it all bubble to the top? would the sadness wash over me like watered down syrup, drowning me on my stack of flat wishes. does denial make it possible for me to get up each morning, and concentrate on what fruits and veggies my kids need to eat? does denial allow me space in my mind to save myself from more years of anxiety attacks? denial saved my ass growing up: if you don't know your mother is crazy, then you don't think "I'm raised by a crazy!" you think, "i'm raised by a colorful gal!" if i step out of my safe denial, my feelings might come up. i might get angry- and have no place to put it. (hello, sweet cindy sheehan) i might feel desperate and reach out for help- and get none (hello, conservatives). denial not only protects me from having to make a move regarding that criminal activity in the white house, but it also allows me to just be a mommy. to just let my dreams come true, let the reality of my hopes fading into truth be my point for living... granted, this world might not be here for my grandchildren... but isn't that one more reason to run away from the fact that the most powerful man in the world is an ass puppet for gold and hate mongers. ass puppet. i wish i could say that to his face. i wish i could run into him in the back room of a smokey bar. i don't know if i'd beat the shit out of him.... or knock him over the head, strip him naked, dress him up as a troop, and send him into iraq. i'm afraid, very afraid. but i'm boogeyman afraid- i don't even know what i fear. i just know i fear something. and i am mostly afraid that i fear my government.and if i step out of denial, what the hell do i do with that? if i open my eyes to find dad(bush) molesting the family(raping us of our faith, trust, patriotism), who do i go to for help? there is no mother- cheney is merely the uncle who molests the neighbor kids (WMD anyone?). do i run to get help and take the beating from the angrily quiet victims.... or do i close my eyes and go back to sleep, hoping i don't feel him this time? cuz if i don't see it, i might not feel it. and if i don't feel it, i don't have to acknowledge it's there. i don't have to accept my vulnerabilty. if i just keep denial wrapped around me, like a cashmere blanket, warm from the dryer even... i don't have to do anything different. i can just curl up with my woobie, read with blind eyes, listen with deaf ears, and don't question.... and life will be soft and safe and no one will headline my name with the word "BBBIIITTTCCCHHHHHH". why am i ready to let my life bleed dry before i am ready to put on some boots and do something?postcards. i wonder if it would do more to send the post cards to the white house or to nancy pelosi? i bet if i mailed a shitload of postcards to nancy... and the other folk who work with her... i bet there'd be something- if nothing else, at least a BLOG about the effort right? i can write a postcard. i can get a stamp. i can do this. i can buy 100 postcards, i can buy 100 stamps. i can mail one postcard a week, or one a day.... i can send them, tell my friends to send them, tell anyone to send them... millions.... a deluge of IMPEACH IMPEACH IMPEACHi think nancy would listen. i do. i just looked up her contact info, and i'm going to use it. i think i'll email her and send postcards. emailing is quick, and cheap. postcards scream "I'm not effing kidding here". so i'll do both. on the postcard, i shall write only "IMPEACH"... and in my emails, the subject will read "IMPEACH" and inside it shall only read, "BUSH". i hope she understands these two go together... not that i want to impeach someone, AND make everyone a lezbo, but rather, "IMPEACH BUSH" is the entirety of the message. i can't sit around slack-jawed at the incest and rape happening to our souls anymore, or i will need to start taking partial credit as to why our state is in such disarray. right? postcards and emails. i might be the only one doing it, but dammit... one by one is better than none by none. hm... if my 1000 "impeach" postcards and emails get him out of office... well, rootbeer floats all around!let's just see what happens. i'm going to believe this will work. believe it, know it, is is.
DC Address: The Honorable Nancy Pelosi
United States House of Representatives235
Cannon House Office BuildingWashington,
D.C. 20515-0508
Email Address: sf.nancy@mail.house.gov
impeach impeach impeach impeach impeach
impeach
go go go go go go
go sisters go brothers
go go go go go go go !!!!!!!!!
right?
posted by Tammy, midwestern girl 29.5.07
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
millions de nile
breathing, i try to take in the day. the birth of a love, she is 46 today, and we've been together for over 6 years. that's a lot of breathing we've spent together, but a fraction of what is to come, i'm sure. i'm sure our bodies' rhythms are pumping in unison now, our breath, our heart rate, our hopes and dreams... we braid our lives into one palace of magic. our children fill the rooms with laughter, and reason to seek answers. their innocence gives me strength for the monsters. i can no longer live the way i used to live. i can't watch the news- that world being trashed is my children's future. when a drowning mother hands her infant off to a man in the boat, as the waters swallow her- i can't see those photos anymore. the mother is my sister, the child my child. i bleed all the way through life now. right now, i am so forlorn over the lack of consideration for human life. dancing with the stars, singing with the stars, idolizing with the stars, moving with the stars, gawking at the stars, blogging with the stars, vote for your favorite star... millions of people make a river in egypt: de nile. denial. denial has to have some sort of saving grace on my soul. denial gives me a false hope that carries me through the night while i sleep, and allows me to raise my children without needing to march anywhere or write to anyone or put a big ugly fight with the bullies of the world: the american government. fuck, i know what would happen to me if i spoke out more than i do... i'd be called a "washed-up, wannabe, muff-diving, ugly, abomination, stupid, fat, lezzbo BITCH who should go back to following MLE around like a puppy dog, and leave the big thoughts to those with balls that don't get placed in the night stand drawer."so here i am. me and my blog, and a pile of laundry and some dirty diapers, and chicken pox. and nary a postcard or a picket sign in sight. i'm still thinking about post cards. sending a shitload to somewhere, with one word on it: IMPEACH. who do we send it to? where is ken lay when you need him? if only condi would blow bush... well... there are rumors.... about the bush part, i mean. which bush, hmm...someone get me a prozac. this is so depressing. without denial, would i let the frustration of it all bubble to the top? would the sadness wash over me like watered down syrup, drowning me on my stack of flat wishes. does denial make it possible for me to get up each morning, and concentrate on what fruits and veggies my kids need to eat? does denial allow me space in my mind to save myself from more years of anxiety attacks? denial saved my ass growing up: if you don't know your mother is crazy, then you don't think "I'm raised by a crazy!" you think, "i'm raised by a colorful gal!" if i step out of my safe denial, my feelings might come up. i might get angry- and have no place to put it. (hello, sweet cindy sheehan) i might feel desperate and reach out for help- and get none (hello, conservatives). denial not only protects me from having to make a move regarding that criminal activity in the white house, but it also allows me to just be a mommy. to just let my dreams come true, let the reality of my hopes fading into truth be my point for living... granted, this world might not be here for my grandchildren... but isn't that one more reason to run away from the fact that the most powerful man in the world is an ass puppet for gold and hate mongers. ass puppet. i wish i could say that to his face. i wish i could run into him in the back room of a smokey bar. i don't know if i'd beat the shit out of him.... or knock him over the head, strip him naked, dress him up as a troop, and send him into iraq. i'm afraid, very afraid. but i'm boogeyman afraid- i don't even know what i fear. i just know i fear something. and i am mostly afraid that i fear my government.and if i step out of denial, what the hell do i do with that? if i open my eyes to find dad(bush) molesting the family(raping us of our faith, trust, patriotism), who do i go to for help? there is no mother- cheney is merely the uncle who molests the neighbor kids (WMD anyone?). do i run to get help and take the beating from the angrily quiet victims.... or do i close my eyes and go back to sleep, hoping i don't feel him this time? cuz if i don't see it, i might not feel it. and if i don't feel it, i don't have to acknowledge it's there. i don't have to accept my vulnerabilty. if i just keep denial wrapped around me, like a cashmere blanket, warm from the dryer even... i don't have to do anything different. i can just curl up with my woobie, read with blind eyes, listen with deaf ears, and don't question.... and life will be soft and safe and no one will headline my name with the word "BBBIIITTTCCCHHHHHH". why am i ready to let my life bleed dry before i am ready to put on some boots and do something?postcards. i wonder if it would do more to send the post cards to the white house or to nancy pelosi? i bet if i mailed a shitload of postcards to nancy... and the other folk who work with her... i bet there'd be something- if nothing else, at least a BLOG about the effort right? i can write a postcard. i can get a stamp. i can do this. i can buy 100 postcards, i can buy 100 stamps. i can mail one postcard a week, or one a day.... i can send them, tell my friends to send them, tell anyone to send them... millions.... a deluge of IMPEACH IMPEACH IMPEACHi think nancy would listen. i do. i just looked up her contact info, and i'm going to use it. i think i'll email her and send postcards. emailing is quick, and cheap. postcards scream "I'm not effing kidding here". so i'll do both. on the postcard, i shall write only "IMPEACH"... and in my emails, the subject will read "IMPEACH" and inside it shall only read, "BUSH". i hope she understands these two go together... not that i want to impeach someone, AND make everyone a lezbo, but rather, "IMPEACH BUSH" is the entirety of the message. i can't sit around slack-jawed at the incest and rape happening to our souls anymore, or i will need to start taking partial credit as to why our state is in such disarray. right? postcards and emails. i might be the only one doing it, but dammit... one by one is better than none by none. hm... if my 1000 "impeach" postcards and emails get him out of office... well, rootbeer floats all around!let's just see what happens. i'm going to believe this will work. believe it, know it, is is.
DC Address: The Honorable Nancy Pelosi
United States House of Representatives235
Cannon House Office BuildingWashington,
D.C. 20515-0508
Email Address: sf.nancy@mail.house.gov
impeach impeach impeach impeach impeach
impeach
go go go go go go
go sisters go brothers
go go go go go go go !!!!!!!!!
right?
posted by Tammy, midwestern girl 29.5.07
Sunday, May 06, 2007
May month of hope..........
Finally its May,
May is the month of
green cards and hope.
of festivals and parties
but most of all
keeping my eye
on my mailbox
to see if the USA
government wants me
to be a citizen of a visitor.
did I pass??
can I start the rest of my life?
every day I come home
my heart dropped
scared to check the mailbox
scared of IT not being there
every day finding hope
I don't care where I live
I just want to be with her!
be happy and loved
protect her, talk to her
and help her, live with her
now at times i feel lost
and losing
confused, and lonely
misunderstood and alienated
not home in this country
not home in that country yet......
my heart is over there
my body is over here
restless...........
May is the month of
green cards and hope.
of festivals and parties
but most of all
keeping my eye
on my mailbox
to see if the USA
government wants me
to be a citizen of a visitor.
did I pass??
can I start the rest of my life?
every day I come home
my heart dropped
scared to check the mailbox
scared of IT not being there
every day finding hope
I don't care where I live
I just want to be with her!
be happy and loved
protect her, talk to her
and help her, live with her
now at times i feel lost
and losing
confused, and lonely
misunderstood and alienated
not home in this country
not home in that country yet......
my heart is over there
my body is over here
restless...........
loved but lonely
changing, lots of changes
it feels weird,
close but apart
scaring me,
hurting me
trying to keep faith
holding on to love
missing, lonely, counting days
drifting, confused, scared,
loved but lonely
it feels weird,
close but apart
scaring me,
hurting me
trying to keep faith
holding on to love
missing, lonely, counting days
drifting, confused, scared,
loved but lonely
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
94 days to go..............
again it's been a while,
it's getting old to start with that
I know
people are reading me more lately
not that I am a loner
but I feel more lonely, lately
and I guess it's starting to show
wake up in the middle of the night
more often cause I don't feel safe
turning and tossing in my sleep
to find a solution to be together
and feel safe and secure again
the wanting, and needing is so deep
I can hardly hide it
I guess it shows.................
94 days to go............
it's getting old to start with that
I know
people are reading me more lately
not that I am a loner
but I feel more lonely, lately
and I guess it's starting to show
wake up in the middle of the night
more often cause I don't feel safe
turning and tossing in my sleep
to find a solution to be together
and feel safe and secure again
the wanting, and needing is so deep
I can hardly hide it
I guess it shows.................
94 days to go............
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Shallow people
It keeps surprising me
how people think they know
people without really knowing
who they are
and what their background is
and how they became
who they are today.
I am thinking about myself
why I am a loner,
why I don't let people in
any more,
Why I am vulnerable.
And why I am loving
and have so much love to give.
why I don't care about
what people look like, or what color
their skin is, or what background they
come from
I have been raised with all those
differences
seven different nationalities in our family
but no love,
No understanding, no hugs and kisses
always smiling faces,
hidden behind masks
never showing the real you
cause you will get hurt
A bigger house, a better job,
less weight, longer hair, brighter eyes,
suntanned skin, whither teeth,
Nice's clothes, bigger car,
diamond ring..........never good enough
it learned me, I try never to judge
and never show my own pain,
hide the damage
show the shell
shallow people
how people think they know
people without really knowing
who they are
and what their background is
and how they became
who they are today.
I am thinking about myself
why I am a loner,
why I don't let people in
any more,
Why I am vulnerable.
And why I am loving
and have so much love to give.
why I don't care about
what people look like, or what color
their skin is, or what background they
come from
I have been raised with all those
differences
seven different nationalities in our family
but no love,
No understanding, no hugs and kisses
always smiling faces,
hidden behind masks
never showing the real you
cause you will get hurt
A bigger house, a better job,
less weight, longer hair, brighter eyes,
suntanned skin, whither teeth,
Nice's clothes, bigger car,
diamond ring..........never good enough
it learned me, I try never to judge
and never show my own pain,
hide the damage
show the shell
shallow people
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
A Guardian Angel.
An escape from death
I call it
My honey had a fire
going on in the garage
when everyone was sleeping
An Angel must have been watching
over them and kept them save
It was a close call
full tanks of gas
and a lot of stuff easy to catch on fire close
the garage is all black
and a lot of stuff damaged or melted
the back of the car
melted away but the fire didn't hit the gas tank
the whole house would have been
blown away
everyone is save
thank god, thank you Angel!!
for keeping my family save
and put out the fire while everyone was sleeping!
I call it
My honey had a fire
going on in the garage
when everyone was sleeping
An Angel must have been watching
over them and kept them save
It was a close call
full tanks of gas
and a lot of stuff easy to catch on fire close
the garage is all black
and a lot of stuff damaged or melted
the back of the car
melted away but the fire didn't hit the gas tank
the whole house would have been
blown away
everyone is save
thank god, thank you Angel!!
for keeping my family save
and put out the fire while everyone was sleeping!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Love is never wrong............
Looking forward
counting days
to when I can hold
my Honey in my arms
again
something wrong
something bad,
first time it was
family that tried
to keep us apart
that was solved
after meeting with me
finding out that I am
really a good person
something wrong
something bad
second time
it was boss being
the bad guy keeping
us apart, we trade places
I came over, instead of honey
and son, they didn't hold us back
something good
something bad,
now paperwork is trying
to hold us apart from each other again
its wearing me out
tension, uncertainty
if this time my honey and son
will be home in summer
passport is hard to get
course they decided to change
the rules, right under our noses
why is family, bosses, government
trying to keep us apart
don't they know, we only
fight harder, faster and meaner
to be together
don't they know
Love is never wrong?
counting days
to when I can hold
my Honey in my arms
again
something wrong
something bad,
first time it was
family that tried
to keep us apart
that was solved
after meeting with me
finding out that I am
really a good person
something wrong
something bad
second time
it was boss being
the bad guy keeping
us apart, we trade places
I came over, instead of honey
and son, they didn't hold us back
something good
something bad,
now paperwork is trying
to hold us apart from each other again
its wearing me out
tension, uncertainty
if this time my honey and son
will be home in summer
passport is hard to get
course they decided to change
the rules, right under our noses
why is family, bosses, government
trying to keep us apart
don't they know, we only
fight harder, faster and meaner
to be together
don't they know
Love is never wrong?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Time........
An hour forward
an hour back,
time is stolen from us
and we're not getting it back
daylight saving starts today
in Europe
Bush made the USA start
3 weeks ago
and now they take it back
the hour we had extra
to spend with each other
never time
so much time difference
I go to bed when my honey
is getting ready with dinner
in the middle of the night
for me like 3 am in the morning
is only 8 pm for her
loving, missing, crying, begging
laughing, needing, wanting
wondering why there is never
enough time for us
why there isn't an easy simple
and working solution for us to
be together
struggling timezone to timezone
and now 2 years later
there is still no time
no time to spend with each other
phone call to phone call
timezone to timezone
country to country
time................
an hour back,
time is stolen from us
and we're not getting it back
daylight saving starts today
in Europe
Bush made the USA start
3 weeks ago
and now they take it back
the hour we had extra
to spend with each other
never time
so much time difference
I go to bed when my honey
is getting ready with dinner
in the middle of the night
for me like 3 am in the morning
is only 8 pm for her
loving, missing, crying, begging
laughing, needing, wanting
wondering why there is never
enough time for us
why there isn't an easy simple
and working solution for us to
be together
struggling timezone to timezone
and now 2 years later
there is still no time
no time to spend with each other
phone call to phone call
timezone to timezone
country to country
time................
Friday, March 16, 2007
Full head, empty bucket
I want to write
course i don't do it
as often as i should
but my mind can't find
the words and my fingers refuse
it's weird how at times
your head can be full of
things that didn't seemed
important in an earlier stage
of you're life
while they're keeping you busy now
I worry about so many things
the environment
I do that a while, I do as many as
one person can do
ride my bike everyday
separate garbage,
watch electrics, gas and water
I worry about my health
little pains that don't seem to
go away, but also don't bother you
all day.
violence around you and then
when this lady cut me off
while I was riding my bike
I gave her the finger and when she
stopped and yelled at me
I told her I would punch her in the
face if she wouldn't leave like NOW
(I would never hit someone, never did never will)
she glared at me, and left........
My future..........
with my girl, 5000 miles away,
her health, our sons health,
his raising,her stress,
his school, her worries,
his sports, her pain,
his bedtime.......
her big heart.........forgetting about herself..........
and I am not there........
not there to take care of it all......
I wish sometimes
I could poor out my head
as a bucket,
empty it, so good new things,
love, and opportunities can fill it up again
full head, empty bucket.........
course i don't do it
as often as i should
but my mind can't find
the words and my fingers refuse
it's weird how at times
your head can be full of
things that didn't seemed
important in an earlier stage
of you're life
while they're keeping you busy now
I worry about so many things
the environment
I do that a while, I do as many as
one person can do
ride my bike everyday
separate garbage,
watch electrics, gas and water
I worry about my health
little pains that don't seem to
go away, but also don't bother you
all day.
violence around you and then
when this lady cut me off
while I was riding my bike
I gave her the finger and when she
stopped and yelled at me
I told her I would punch her in the
face if she wouldn't leave like NOW
(I would never hit someone, never did never will)
she glared at me, and left........
My future..........
with my girl, 5000 miles away,
her health, our sons health,
his raising,her stress,
his school, her worries,
his sports, her pain,
his bedtime.......
her big heart.........forgetting about herself..........
and I am not there........
not there to take care of it all......
I wish sometimes
I could poor out my head
as a bucket,
empty it, so good new things,
love, and opportunities can fill it up again
full head, empty bucket.........
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
my first time........
It was my first time
never done it before
I was really nervous at first
it got better once i got there
i had my first session
with a psychologist
Nothing bad,
just need to get some stuff
that had a huge impact on my life
off my chest
to heavy to carry
to much load to bare
Of course my parents
where under fire
and it strikes me how weird
I think my folks are.
Like today I called them
told them I went in for the first time
and all they said was " oh"
that was it "oh"
what can I make of that?
not a how did it go?
or are you OK?
what did you talk about?
just "oh"
I am going to try that with them
sometime just "oh"
I am bad like that,
I want their response on
the crap the pull with "oh"
but I'm growing
back to who I was
I have a wonderful woman
by my side
she is making me stronger
than I've ever been.
she is restoring my faith
in people again
believing in love and understanding
trusting on the will of you're own good heart
I have a long road to go
been beaten up and betrayed too
many times
by so called friends, lying in my face
using me for their own good
I was dumb, stupid and ignorant
I am a stronger woman now
independent and loving
a one woman woman
and in love than never before
thank you angel, for believing, loving,
trusting and standing by me all the way.
never done it before
I was really nervous at first
it got better once i got there
i had my first session
with a psychologist
Nothing bad,
just need to get some stuff
that had a huge impact on my life
off my chest
to heavy to carry
to much load to bare
Of course my parents
where under fire
and it strikes me how weird
I think my folks are.
Like today I called them
told them I went in for the first time
and all they said was " oh"
that was it "oh"
what can I make of that?
not a how did it go?
or are you OK?
what did you talk about?
just "oh"
I am going to try that with them
sometime just "oh"
I am bad like that,
I want their response on
the crap the pull with "oh"
but I'm growing
back to who I was
I have a wonderful woman
by my side
she is making me stronger
than I've ever been.
she is restoring my faith
in people again
believing in love and understanding
trusting on the will of you're own good heart
I have a long road to go
been beaten up and betrayed too
many times
by so called friends, lying in my face
using me for their own good
I was dumb, stupid and ignorant
I am a stronger woman now
independent and loving
a one woman woman
and in love than never before
thank you angel, for believing, loving,
trusting and standing by me all the way.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Oscar Kiss
I am stunned,
how people worry about
kissing you're partner,
your wife after winning
an Oscar for god sake!
Gay, straight does it
really matter?
You win the prize of prizes
you jump up and kiss you're
Lesbian lover BIG DEAL!
You're out, be out!
I don't mean make out
in front of thousands of people
and play the tongue
but man, a kiss, a loving
happy, excited, and thrilled kiss
what DO YOU WORRY ABOUT?
I mean Melissa Etheridge
she is my big example
in music, life, and life style,
the way she goes with people
and hypnotise her audience
you HAVE TO HAVE a good heart
to do it like that.
but being agonized
whether to kiss the woman
you choose to spend you're life with
or not
at a big thing like the OSCARS!
man, it's the ultimate thing
to show the world
being gay is love
for better for worse
so what if millions, billions
people can see you kissing the
woman you love?
I just sigh and shake my head
be out, be proud.
Love, peace and understanding.............
how people worry about
kissing you're partner,
your wife after winning
an Oscar for god sake!
Gay, straight does it
really matter?
You win the prize of prizes
you jump up and kiss you're
Lesbian lover BIG DEAL!
You're out, be out!
I don't mean make out
in front of thousands of people
and play the tongue
but man, a kiss, a loving
happy, excited, and thrilled kiss
what DO YOU WORRY ABOUT?
I mean Melissa Etheridge
she is my big example
in music, life, and life style,
the way she goes with people
and hypnotise her audience
you HAVE TO HAVE a good heart
to do it like that.
but being agonized
whether to kiss the woman
you choose to spend you're life with
or not
at a big thing like the OSCARS!
man, it's the ultimate thing
to show the world
being gay is love
for better for worse
so what if millions, billions
people can see you kissing the
woman you love?
I just sigh and shake my head
be out, be proud.
Love, peace and understanding.............
Sunday, February 25, 2007
On my way back
*Sigh*
It's been a while
since I've "blogged"
I am getting back
on my feet again
slowly but surely
the missing got to bad
it ripped my heart apart
we both feel it
and my body couldn't
handle the pain anymore
and it was threatening to
just shut down
So I called it a day
work, friends, family
everybody OUT!!
just me and my sweetheart
talking for hours
far beyond midnight
on the phone
crying...............
On my way back now
one step at the time
It's been a while
since I've "blogged"
I am getting back
on my feet again
slowly but surely
the missing got to bad
it ripped my heart apart
we both feel it
and my body couldn't
handle the pain anymore
and it was threatening to
just shut down
So I called it a day
work, friends, family
everybody OUT!!
just me and my sweetheart
talking for hours
far beyond midnight
on the phone
crying...............
On my way back now
one step at the time
It will be me
(written by Melissa Etheridge)
If you hear a voice
in the middle of the night
saying it will be alright
it will be me
If you feel a hand
guiding you along
when the path seems wrong
it will be me
there is no mountain
that I can't climb
for you I'd swim through
the rivers of time
as you go you're way
and I go mine
a light will shine
and it will be me
if there is a key
that goes to your heart
a special part
it will be me
If you need a friend
call out to the wind
to hold you again
it will be me
oh how the world
seem so unfair
creating a love
that can not be shared
as you go your way
and I go mine
a light will shine
and it will be me
I see ever after
there is a place for two
in your tears of laughter
I'll be there for you
the sun and the moon
the land and the sea
look all around you
it will be me
there is no mountain
that I can't climb
for you I'd swim through
the rivers of time
as you go you're way
and I go mine
a light will shine
it will be me
it will be me
it will be me..........................
If you hear a voice
in the middle of the night
saying it will be alright
it will be me
If you feel a hand
guiding you along
when the path seems wrong
it will be me
there is no mountain
that I can't climb
for you I'd swim through
the rivers of time
as you go you're way
and I go mine
a light will shine
and it will be me
if there is a key
that goes to your heart
a special part
it will be me
If you need a friend
call out to the wind
to hold you again
it will be me
oh how the world
seem so unfair
creating a love
that can not be shared
as you go your way
and I go mine
a light will shine
and it will be me
I see ever after
there is a place for two
in your tears of laughter
I'll be there for you
the sun and the moon
the land and the sea
look all around you
it will be me
there is no mountain
that I can't climb
for you I'd swim through
the rivers of time
as you go you're way
and I go mine
a light will shine
it will be me
it will be me
it will be me..........................
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
here but not here
My head is empty
my mind is gone,
not dreaming not aware
here, but not here
my body is working
functioning as expected
my mouth is smiling
as "they" ask
my head is empty
my mind is gone
my heart is full of love
my spirit is gone
not here, but there
in mind, heart and soul
just the body is here
can't function as I should
I feel like I' am not alive
right now, I feel empty,
tired, lonely and misunderstood
no one to listen, no one to cry
seven hours difference and about 5000 miles
My head is empty
my mind is gone
Not dreaming, not aware
here but not here
my mind is gone,
not dreaming not aware
here, but not here
my body is working
functioning as expected
my mouth is smiling
as "they" ask
my head is empty
my mind is gone
my heart is full of love
my spirit is gone
not here, but there
in mind, heart and soul
just the body is here
can't function as I should
I feel like I' am not alive
right now, I feel empty,
tired, lonely and misunderstood
no one to listen, no one to cry
seven hours difference and about 5000 miles
My head is empty
my mind is gone
Not dreaming, not aware
here but not here
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Hello world!
A famous lady made me think
about googling yourself
and what I did I just
googled "dutchcitygirl"
and it scared the hell out
of me
Holy Cow!
8 pages on Google
my whole life is out there!
scared the shit out of me!
what did I know!?
when I first started this blog,
I just wanted to be able
to put some thoughts out there
so my girl, on the other side of the ocean
could keep up with my thoughts without
talking
How the Fuck did I know that the whole
fricken world is lurking over my shoulder.
well that was my discovery today
so all I can say right now is " hello world"
and wave polite!
about googling yourself
and what I did I just
googled "dutchcitygirl"
and it scared the hell out
of me
Holy Cow!
8 pages on Google
my whole life is out there!
scared the shit out of me!
what did I know!?
when I first started this blog,
I just wanted to be able
to put some thoughts out there
so my girl, on the other side of the ocean
could keep up with my thoughts without
talking
How the Fuck did I know that the whole
fricken world is lurking over my shoulder.
well that was my discovery today
so all I can say right now is " hello world"
and wave polite!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Going through my backpack!
it has been a while,
since I've blogged
but I am in a phase right now
a thinking, hurting, depressive phase
still happy in love, let's get that straight (not us)
my backpack was full, all filled up
as I call it
everything that happens to a person
is thrown into the backpack on it's back
and once in a while you need to sit down
and go through some of it in there
and give it a spot, if not you will flip over some day
that's my someday, right there!
Too much, thinking, feeling, crying, resisting,
frustration, dwelling in self pity (yes I do at times, so what)
and not enough or barely any understanding, help, hugs, or encouragement.
and then, you flip over, right on you're back
face up to the sky, and it's raining, and it keeps raining
thank god for my sunshine, (you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.........)
the past flies by, exes fly by (only the bad parts, cuz you don't want to remember the good ones)
all the pain, the sorrows and the broken hearts
all the hurts and disappointments, in parents, brothers, friends, lovers, yourself!
they all come by and add something into you're backpack
and man! I fell hard and deep!
It's time to clean up, and place it all!
so here by I say to all those who have damaged me,
hurted me, abused and used me FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!
and don't ever come knocking on my door!
cuz I am no friend, lover or anything of you anymore!
You go suck you're energy from someone else, and leave me in peace.
I make my own happiness perfectly without you bloodsuckers!
I flip the finger to all those people who used and abused me, mistreated the
goodness and naive heart.
start GIVING me something for a while, if you want to be a new friend
instead of TAKING, SUCKING, BEGGING, ASKING, NEEDING, me all the time!
It's Me, My girl, and our Son first!! In everything!
And I don't care what you think, how you feel, or what you're going through,
did you ever care for me? really loved me? just because I am me?
I don't think so, wait, I Know you don't cuz how can you abuse and mistreat
someone you love like that.
the damage hurts, it hurts bad, I don't care about the people who
did that to me anymore. But the hurt is still here and I was fighting it
resisting it, but I couldn't anymore I had to give in, it is here!
No true friends, I don't believe that anymore, they all want something,
Friends that's fine with me, just don't get too close, and don't ever tell me
true friends.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks, and I am entering a new page
a clean, white piece of paper in my life,
and a big part of that frustration will go with me, until my sunshine and me
can be together. And a piece of damaged good will come too,
that made me loving, understanding, strong and protective
that's a piece of me now.
it's true you know, you're new lover is always paying for the mistakes
of your exes. I don't want to let that happen, sometimes it just does.
I am happy with my girl, she is the love of my life,
Let the sunshine in, let the sunshine in, it's a brand new day.
my backpack feels so much right lighter now.............................
since I've blogged
but I am in a phase right now
a thinking, hurting, depressive phase
still happy in love, let's get that straight (not us)
my backpack was full, all filled up
as I call it
everything that happens to a person
is thrown into the backpack on it's back
and once in a while you need to sit down
and go through some of it in there
and give it a spot, if not you will flip over some day
that's my someday, right there!
Too much, thinking, feeling, crying, resisting,
frustration, dwelling in self pity (yes I do at times, so what)
and not enough or barely any understanding, help, hugs, or encouragement.
and then, you flip over, right on you're back
face up to the sky, and it's raining, and it keeps raining
thank god for my sunshine, (you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.........)
the past flies by, exes fly by (only the bad parts, cuz you don't want to remember the good ones)
all the pain, the sorrows and the broken hearts
all the hurts and disappointments, in parents, brothers, friends, lovers, yourself!
they all come by and add something into you're backpack
and man! I fell hard and deep!
It's time to clean up, and place it all!
so here by I say to all those who have damaged me,
hurted me, abused and used me FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!
and don't ever come knocking on my door!
cuz I am no friend, lover or anything of you anymore!
You go suck you're energy from someone else, and leave me in peace.
I make my own happiness perfectly without you bloodsuckers!
I flip the finger to all those people who used and abused me, mistreated the
goodness and naive heart.
start GIVING me something for a while, if you want to be a new friend
instead of TAKING, SUCKING, BEGGING, ASKING, NEEDING, me all the time!
It's Me, My girl, and our Son first!! In everything!
And I don't care what you think, how you feel, or what you're going through,
did you ever care for me? really loved me? just because I am me?
I don't think so, wait, I Know you don't cuz how can you abuse and mistreat
someone you love like that.
the damage hurts, it hurts bad, I don't care about the people who
did that to me anymore. But the hurt is still here and I was fighting it
resisting it, but I couldn't anymore I had to give in, it is here!
No true friends, I don't believe that anymore, they all want something,
Friends that's fine with me, just don't get too close, and don't ever tell me
true friends.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks, and I am entering a new page
a clean, white piece of paper in my life,
and a big part of that frustration will go with me, until my sunshine and me
can be together. And a piece of damaged good will come too,
that made me loving, understanding, strong and protective
that's a piece of me now.
it's true you know, you're new lover is always paying for the mistakes
of your exes. I don't want to let that happen, sometimes it just does.
I am happy with my girl, she is the love of my life,
Let the sunshine in, let the sunshine in, it's a brand new day.
my backpack feels so much right lighter now.............................
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
PaperHill Mountain
Crawl up on the middle
of the bed
Hide under the blankets
holding the pillow tight
squeezing you're shirt
so I can still smell you
face wet of tears
I MISS YOU!!
Frustration and anger
why aren't we together yet
disbelieve and no understanding
for the huge paper mountain
we are still waiting for but
still isn't here
No one to turn to
frustration from both sides
of the big pond
climbing high hills
falling low valleys
searching for the path
that will lead to being together
No one has the map apparently
some are holding keys
but not willing to show us
the lock that it will fit on
the darkness surrounds me
all I can hear is the beating
of my heart in pain
the voice of the woman that I love
being in pain, and loneliness
a crying heart, smothered by pride
and dignity, I want to reach out
but are blocked by politicians
by bureaucratic BS that tries to
tell me that its wrong to love and be
with the one I love
they're holding back me,
the Lion, the warrior, the fighter
They didn't win, and they never will
of the bed
Hide under the blankets
holding the pillow tight
squeezing you're shirt
so I can still smell you
face wet of tears
I MISS YOU!!
Frustration and anger
why aren't we together yet
disbelieve and no understanding
for the huge paper mountain
we are still waiting for but
still isn't here
No one to turn to
frustration from both sides
of the big pond
climbing high hills
falling low valleys
searching for the path
that will lead to being together
No one has the map apparently
some are holding keys
but not willing to show us
the lock that it will fit on
the darkness surrounds me
all I can hear is the beating
of my heart in pain
the voice of the woman that I love
being in pain, and loneliness
a crying heart, smothered by pride
and dignity, I want to reach out
but are blocked by politicians
by bureaucratic BS that tries to
tell me that its wrong to love and be
with the one I love
they're holding back me,
the Lion, the warrior, the fighter
They didn't win, and they never will
Sunday, January 07, 2007
the big goodbye
The big goodbye is lurking
again
the tears are flowing richly like
expensive champagne
on a party with stars
the breaking of our hearts
the sound is almost deafening
the hugs are tighter
than ever
the touch more intense
the grieve sorrow and pain
cut like freshly sharpened knives
the big goodbye is lurking
for six months this time
with a little luck
it will go by
in the time of one big sigh
and with a lot of luck
it will be the last goodbye
and after this one
we will be together for ever
like true loves should be
not being separated by
almost 5000 miles
and a bunch of papers and
some grumpy old man in grey suits
who never found true love
the big goodbye is lurking
I just pray it will be the last time
and painless.
again
the tears are flowing richly like
expensive champagne
on a party with stars
the breaking of our hearts
the sound is almost deafening
the hugs are tighter
than ever
the touch more intense
the grieve sorrow and pain
cut like freshly sharpened knives
the big goodbye is lurking
for six months this time
with a little luck
it will go by
in the time of one big sigh
and with a lot of luck
it will be the last goodbye
and after this one
we will be together for ever
like true loves should be
not being separated by
almost 5000 miles
and a bunch of papers and
some grumpy old man in grey suits
who never found true love
the big goodbye is lurking
I just pray it will be the last time
and painless.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Christmas in America
Christmas in America
I can hold you in my arms
not so far away from home
someone brought me back home.............
after a long wait
and a lot of tension, tears and fears
I threw my suitcases on the plane
and left cold and wet Holland
to come home to my warm
and peace full nest in the states
People waiting for me
with open arms, smiles and laughter
with hopes and dreams and love
oh my god so much love
with presents and wises
hugs and tender loving
as soon as I walked out
of the terminal at the airport
love came my way
I feel so loved here
I feel so good, so home
so appreciated and so welcome
I wished for snow
even that worked out
we left the airport
and it started to snow
hard and heavy
it was like the entire state
was welcoming me home
Christmas in America
I need you in my arms
finally home............
finally home.....
I can hold you in my arms
not so far away from home
someone brought me back home.............
after a long wait
and a lot of tension, tears and fears
I threw my suitcases on the plane
and left cold and wet Holland
to come home to my warm
and peace full nest in the states
People waiting for me
with open arms, smiles and laughter
with hopes and dreams and love
oh my god so much love
with presents and wises
hugs and tender loving
as soon as I walked out
of the terminal at the airport
love came my way
I feel so loved here
I feel so good, so home
so appreciated and so welcome
I wished for snow
even that worked out
we left the airport
and it started to snow
hard and heavy
it was like the entire state
was welcoming me home
Christmas in America
I need you in my arms
finally home............
finally home.....
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Closing Closets....
Coming out again
not to blame anyone
and I love my Honey
more than any thing
but some things in the
States are a little more
difficult.
As is coming out.
I did it,
here close to Amsterdam
or Gay Paradise
and still it wasn't easy
but that is a long story
and not a happy one
so, by circumstances
for some reason
that I won't bore you with
just family issues
I will have to get back
in the closet
for a week
to protect my family
And I am a nervous wreck
about it, (just got of the phone,
with my mother in law and now it's
a lot better) She told me not to
worry, to just be carefull
and just be me.
I told her I can do that.
But hey, I am a Dutchie
and gay, and 150% out
so it will probably cause
me some trouble!
she said she will save me
if I do!(big smile)
Earlier my Honey
tried to comfort me
and told me it will all be OK
but ya know,
were apart from each other
months, and then the few
weeks we are together
all I want, is be me.
Gay, and in love.
she was very happy
with that and OK with
me being gay............(grin)
she better be........
So 'll be back in
in the closet so to speak
for a week, being
carefully gay,
that will be a whole other
experience............
I am coming out again.
not to blame anyone
and I love my Honey
more than any thing
but some things in the
States are a little more
difficult.
As is coming out.
I did it,
here close to Amsterdam
or Gay Paradise
and still it wasn't easy
but that is a long story
and not a happy one
so, by circumstances
for some reason
that I won't bore you with
just family issues
I will have to get back
in the closet
for a week
to protect my family
And I am a nervous wreck
about it, (just got of the phone,
with my mother in law and now it's
a lot better) She told me not to
worry, to just be carefull
and just be me.
I told her I can do that.
But hey, I am a Dutchie
and gay, and 150% out
so it will probably cause
me some trouble!
she said she will save me
if I do!(big smile)
Earlier my Honey
tried to comfort me
and told me it will all be OK
but ya know,
were apart from each other
months, and then the few
weeks we are together
all I want, is be me.
Gay, and in love.
she was very happy
with that and OK with
me being gay............(grin)
she better be........
So 'll be back in
in the closet so to speak
for a week, being
carefully gay,
that will be a whole other
experience............
I am coming out again.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Books, Books? Books!!!!
I've read two really impressive
books while laying in bed sick
between my "trying to feel better" naps
I usually read, watching TV is
going to fast when I am sick
so reading a book is easier
I can fall asleep on it
and when I wake
the story is still there
where I left off
the first one I borrowed
from my colleague Mark
it's called " a lady steps into a doctors office"
it's in dutch and its about inflammatory breast cancer
written out of view from her cheating husband
it's a true story, at age 36 she dies........
but it's fascinating to read
what the ups and downs are
and how the doctor missed the
breast cancer the first time........
the second book,
I bought a while ago
planning on reading it on the plane
on my way home for Christmas
not planning on getting sick in the meanwhile
but oh well I find another one to read
for on the plane
the second one
is written by a lesbian writer
it's fiction based on truth
and really funny
and recognizable
it's about love between two girls
and how that can get ugly and go wrong
and about her dying mom
that she takes care of
the book is called "make me happy"
I still think it's funny
how other people when they get sick
stare at the TV for days
just so they don't have to think
and how I never really read
with exception when I am on a plane
and I pick up a book
breath deep and read...................
fall asleep, and read some more........
books while laying in bed sick
between my "trying to feel better" naps
I usually read, watching TV is
going to fast when I am sick
so reading a book is easier
I can fall asleep on it
and when I wake
the story is still there
where I left off
the first one I borrowed
from my colleague Mark
it's called " a lady steps into a doctors office"
it's in dutch and its about inflammatory breast cancer
written out of view from her cheating husband
it's a true story, at age 36 she dies........
but it's fascinating to read
what the ups and downs are
and how the doctor missed the
breast cancer the first time........
the second book,
I bought a while ago
planning on reading it on the plane
on my way home for Christmas
not planning on getting sick in the meanwhile
but oh well I find another one to read
for on the plane
the second one
is written by a lesbian writer
it's fiction based on truth
and really funny
and recognizable
it's about love between two girls
and how that can get ugly and go wrong
and about her dying mom
that she takes care of
the book is called "make me happy"
I still think it's funny
how other people when they get sick
stare at the TV for days
just so they don't have to think
and how I never really read
with exception when I am on a plane
and I pick up a book
breath deep and read...................
fall asleep, and read some more........
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
BLOG #200!!
wow........time flies
and words too
when I just let them out
and before you know it
there it is.........number 200
rather i share with you guys
that I am miserable, happy, sick
or amused or upset about anything
it just comes out of my hands without
thinking about it
it just happens
today even without thinking
today I am a snot head
and called in sick today
my brain is dripping in
a skull filled with snot
not able to respond rationally
on anything
A huge bucket full of tissues filled
with brain fluids
next to my bed
and my nightstand filled
with medicine which don't help
anyway, but the producer of cold meds
thanks me for trying...
my voice is raspy
like I am 75 years old
and my biggest friend has been
a bottle of rum for the last 40 years
my breathing is squeaky and deep
and my brain is trying to get
out of this filled with snot skull
banging against my forehead
from the inside out
to create some more room
to fill it up even more
with other words
thank you for reading my blogs
200 times
I hope it's still enjoyed
no matter what state I am in
and I want to share many more
all be good and in good health
till next time.........
will that be tomorrow?
blog # 201
and words too
when I just let them out
and before you know it
there it is.........number 200
rather i share with you guys
that I am miserable, happy, sick
or amused or upset about anything
it just comes out of my hands without
thinking about it
it just happens
today even without thinking
today I am a snot head
and called in sick today
my brain is dripping in
a skull filled with snot
not able to respond rationally
on anything
A huge bucket full of tissues filled
with brain fluids
next to my bed
and my nightstand filled
with medicine which don't help
anyway, but the producer of cold meds
thanks me for trying...
my voice is raspy
like I am 75 years old
and my biggest friend has been
a bottle of rum for the last 40 years
my breathing is squeaky and deep
and my brain is trying to get
out of this filled with snot skull
banging against my forehead
from the inside out
to create some more room
to fill it up even more
with other words
thank you for reading my blogs
200 times
I hope it's still enjoyed
no matter what state I am in
and I want to share many more
all be good and in good health
till next time.........
will that be tomorrow?
blog # 201
Thursday, November 23, 2006
just there..........
Staring at this white screen
so much to write, so little to tell,
thoughts and feelings
peace full and screaming
all running
too personal to write down
too "out there" to keep quiet
too torn, too divided too united
still not done talking,
but not ready to write,
not ready to tell yet,
all done to share
words, feelings, pain.
love, frustration, care.
I know it doesn't make sense
It does to me
that's what counts
back to staring at this white screen
so much to write, so little to tell
so much to scream from the top of my lungs
so little to keep quiet and put away in
a dark corner in the back of my mind.
it hurts,
not ready to share,
too personal, not important enough
to write about,
just there, in the back of my mind
on the top of my head
at the tip of my tongue
pushed away in the back of my mind
just there............
so much to write, so little to tell,
thoughts and feelings
peace full and screaming
all running
too personal to write down
too "out there" to keep quiet
too torn, too divided too united
still not done talking,
but not ready to write,
not ready to tell yet,
all done to share
words, feelings, pain.
love, frustration, care.
I know it doesn't make sense
It does to me
that's what counts
back to staring at this white screen
so much to write, so little to tell
so much to scream from the top of my lungs
so little to keep quiet and put away in
a dark corner in the back of my mind.
it hurts,
not ready to share,
too personal, not important enough
to write about,
just there, in the back of my mind
on the top of my head
at the tip of my tongue
pushed away in the back of my mind
just there............
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Waiting for a good day
I love winters,
hate cold, but love the snow.
Hate cold winds, but love it
when it's freezing cold.
dressed up to fight it
and walk into a warm
house with your cheeks
turning red.
Winter isn't really kicking
in yet, but it is on it's way!
Unlike other "summer babies"
like me, I am looking forward for
winter to kick in.
To wear my knitted caps,
and warm, snugly jackets again.
I am waiting for that good winter day.
When dry snow is falling from the sky.
Temperature is around freezing, and the
wind put her head to rest.
When you step out, and the crunching snow
below your feet is welcoming you out
to a whole new world.
where trees heavily breath
under the weight of snow,
and the peaceful silence is
breathing down on me.
Ducks trying to walk on ice,
to get to some food on shore.
And the funny sound of other ducks
laughing at one, ice-skating.
I am waiting for that good winters day.
If I am not going to get it here,
I know somehow I will get it when
I go back home, home to Minnesota.
Minnesota giving me a white Christmas.
And that peace full feeling of the perfect winters day.
I am waiting for a good day.
hate cold, but love the snow.
Hate cold winds, but love it
when it's freezing cold.
dressed up to fight it
and walk into a warm
house with your cheeks
turning red.
Winter isn't really kicking
in yet, but it is on it's way!
Unlike other "summer babies"
like me, I am looking forward for
winter to kick in.
To wear my knitted caps,
and warm, snugly jackets again.
I am waiting for that good winter day.
When dry snow is falling from the sky.
Temperature is around freezing, and the
wind put her head to rest.
When you step out, and the crunching snow
below your feet is welcoming you out
to a whole new world.
where trees heavily breath
under the weight of snow,
and the peaceful silence is
breathing down on me.
Ducks trying to walk on ice,
to get to some food on shore.
And the funny sound of other ducks
laughing at one, ice-skating.
I am waiting for that good winters day.
If I am not going to get it here,
I know somehow I will get it when
I go back home, home to Minnesota.
Minnesota giving me a white Christmas.
And that peace full feeling of the perfect winters day.
I am waiting for a good day.
Monday, November 20, 2006
saying what needs to be said
You know the feeling?
getting so frustrated,
by things you know,
but can't say?
by people who say things
about you, that are based on
lies and brain rags?
frustration is building..........
everybody got things to hide
when people sometimes talk
to me, they add the sentence;
I am telling you this but you can't tell so and so
that frustrates me
I don't want to know things
I can't say, or can't tell!
when people talk about me to others,
that frustrates me even more,
even tho I know, they will stick up for me,
I feel helpless, get frustrated,
and inside I start raging,
getting mad, for some reason this is my
biggest reason for getting frustrated.
I don't want to know secrets
or gossips or brain rags........
my frustration is still building...........
then Sunday night comes,
time to spend with my Honey,
we talk, have fun, play some online games,
watch each other on web cam,
then it's time to go sleep,
and BAM!
my frustrations explode!
I start crying and don't see
the good things in life any more,
but what is really going on and causing it?
I can't see that at that moment.
right now, I can, right now,
I know where it came from.......
I got NO secrets for my Honey,
not even one, nothing, she knows
every dark corner of me.
maybe that's why,
I take it out on her.
I got it off my chest now,
and she understood.
Like she always does,
my girl got the biggest heart!
You know the feeling?
getting so frustrated?
getting so frustrated,
by things you know,
but can't say?
by people who say things
about you, that are based on
lies and brain rags?
frustration is building..........
everybody got things to hide
when people sometimes talk
to me, they add the sentence;
I am telling you this but you can't tell so and so
that frustrates me
I don't want to know things
I can't say, or can't tell!
when people talk about me to others,
that frustrates me even more,
even tho I know, they will stick up for me,
I feel helpless, get frustrated,
and inside I start raging,
getting mad, for some reason this is my
biggest reason for getting frustrated.
I don't want to know secrets
or gossips or brain rags........
my frustration is still building...........
then Sunday night comes,
time to spend with my Honey,
we talk, have fun, play some online games,
watch each other on web cam,
then it's time to go sleep,
and BAM!
my frustrations explode!
I start crying and don't see
the good things in life any more,
but what is really going on and causing it?
I can't see that at that moment.
right now, I can, right now,
I know where it came from.......
I got NO secrets for my Honey,
not even one, nothing, she knows
every dark corner of me.
maybe that's why,
I take it out on her.
I got it off my chest now,
and she understood.
Like she always does,
my girl got the biggest heart!
You know the feeling?
getting so frustrated?
Friday, November 17, 2006
Some good some bad
Some good Some bad things today
starting with the goods
I had a really good day at
work today, that always nice
and rare.
worked my ass off and
I managed to get to my target
I won't bore you with the details
but I am happy about it
Other good thing is
finally after wanting it badly
for a couple of years now
I finally found someone
that will teach me how to play
the guitar, for free, thats the best part
Some more good things,
my weekend began today!
that's always a pleasure
some more.......I woke up healthy,
have a woman who loves me to death,
and feel loved and blessed.
Some bad things too,
my girl is sick and I can't take
care of her........makes me feel
guilty and helpless.
It rained cats and dogs today
after work, got home soaked
and cranky.
Some good Some bad things today..........
starting with the goods
I had a really good day at
work today, that always nice
and rare.
worked my ass off and
I managed to get to my target
I won't bore you with the details
but I am happy about it
Other good thing is
finally after wanting it badly
for a couple of years now
I finally found someone
that will teach me how to play
the guitar, for free, thats the best part
Some more good things,
my weekend began today!
that's always a pleasure
some more.......I woke up healthy,
have a woman who loves me to death,
and feel loved and blessed.
Some bad things too,
my girl is sick and I can't take
care of her........makes me feel
guilty and helpless.
It rained cats and dogs today
after work, got home soaked
and cranky.
Some good Some bad things today..........
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
She got it all!!
The wife of my favorite Rock star,
is happy she became a mom, again.
she got it all, she wrote her blog
4 healthy kids, money enough
to feed half of the world population,
4 cars, the love of her life by her side,
every day...........
I'm happy for Tammy that she got it all!
the love of her life.........wealth, happiness,
four cars.......wow............
still some are struggling just to be together.
we count the days to finally be together for only a few weeks every year.
living from phone call to phone call............
getting lottery tickets to make that
million dollars so president bush will let me be with the one I love........
working both our asses off,
still happy for Tammy, :-D
I just want to be with my girl to be completely happy.
just wanted to share..............
is happy she became a mom, again.
she got it all, she wrote her blog
4 healthy kids, money enough
to feed half of the world population,
4 cars, the love of her life by her side,
every day...........
I'm happy for Tammy that she got it all!
the love of her life.........wealth, happiness,
four cars.......wow............
still some are struggling just to be together.
we count the days to finally be together for only a few weeks every year.
living from phone call to phone call............
getting lottery tickets to make that
million dollars so president bush will let me be with the one I love........
working both our asses off,
still happy for Tammy, :-D
I just want to be with my girl to be completely happy.
just wanted to share..............
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Forward.......
Normally I would never
do this, but I know more
people read my blog then
I got email addy's from
and some things you just
need to share.
This was a forward
that I got and I felt it
is worth sharing.........
As we grow up,
we learn that even the one person
that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken
probably more than once
and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt
when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love
for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time
is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually
lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you've
never been hurt
because every sixty seconds
you spend upset is a minute of happiness
you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous~
do this, but I know more
people read my blog then
I got email addy's from
and some things you just
need to share.
This was a forward
that I got and I felt it
is worth sharing.........
As we grow up,
we learn that even the one person
that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken
probably more than once
and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt
when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love
for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time
is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually
lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you've
never been hurt
because every sixty seconds
you spend upset is a minute of happiness
you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous~
Friday, November 10, 2006
Global warming.....
It worries me
you can see nature
being upset with us
the warmest winter in
almost 100 years
the wettest summer
in 120 years
It's November,
almost winter
and it's still not cold
outside here.
the climate is changing
dramatically
the world is upset
I realized it when
I saw "an Inconvenient truth"
after that one you see
everything differently
and you start paying attention
when the weather guy
tells you " it was so nice out, it was really
warm for this time of year"
and I worry some more
I am not a health freak,
or anything like it
I still use my laptop,
and I still use a plane to fly home,
(my angel wings won't work on that distance(i know corny))
but I also watch the
electricity that I use,
and the water use,
I get on bike whenever I can
instead of using my car.
I don't throw out batteries,
and I recycle, not everything
I am honest, but I try.
It scares me the Global warming
you can see nature
being upset with us
the warmest winter in
almost 100 years
the wettest summer
in 120 years
It's November,
almost winter
and it's still not cold
outside here.
the climate is changing
dramatically
the world is upset
I realized it when
I saw "an Inconvenient truth"
after that one you see
everything differently
and you start paying attention
when the weather guy
tells you " it was so nice out, it was really
warm for this time of year"
and I worry some more
I am not a health freak,
or anything like it
I still use my laptop,
and I still use a plane to fly home,
(my angel wings won't work on that distance(i know corny))
but I also watch the
electricity that I use,
and the water use,
I get on bike whenever I can
instead of using my car.
I don't throw out batteries,
and I recycle, not everything
I am honest, but I try.
It scares me the Global warming
Lies in nice Wrappers
The whole world is going
crazy over politics
now even my girl is
writing about it.
It's good and it's the
truth.
And I vote, and I
understand the importance
of it.
But man isn't boring?
An Old group of people
in suits or tight dresses?
most of them grey
and wrinkled
and saying things
you think you want to hear
but it's never really what
you hoped for?
It's another lie,
with a really nice
wrapper and a bow.
I was happy with my box.
The box my baby sent to me.
No lies in there,
just love, scents and brownies
and an awesome love letter.
Truth wrapped up
in a plain brown box
but bringing so much
more joy
Then the lies in nice Wrappers
crazy over politics
now even my girl is
writing about it.
It's good and it's the
truth.
And I vote, and I
understand the importance
of it.
But man isn't boring?
An Old group of people
in suits or tight dresses?
most of them grey
and wrinkled
and saying things
you think you want to hear
but it's never really what
you hoped for?
It's another lie,
with a really nice
wrapper and a bow.
I was happy with my box.
The box my baby sent to me.
No lies in there,
just love, scents and brownies
and an awesome love letter.
Truth wrapped up
in a plain brown box
but bringing so much
more joy
Then the lies in nice Wrappers
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Funny thing........the Internet
It's a funny thing
the Internet
you make friends
you never really know
or even meet
you loose some
and make some new
you laugh, fight, cry,
get hurt, make up
and talk again
they're real but they're not
cyber friends I call them
the ones I've never met
but still feel like long time friends
It's easier to say things
and easier to get into a fight
One I NEVER considered to be
my friend
I got fed up with tonight
I gave her a huge blow out
in front of 20 other cyber "friends"
I think she got the message this time
Others that haven't talked to me
for like 2 years
Are happy to being able to talk to me
again.
One even said, It's so Awesome to
being able to talk to you again.
Cyber friends, friends they
come and go, some stay, some don't
some stay strangers, some become friends,
some you meet, most you don't
like a mixed bowl they come together
in one life
some touch you're soul, most don't
with one I fell in love, with that one I still am.
Some will never met, some will never leave.
I am grateful, the one that I've met
will never leave..........
funny thing, the Internet
the Internet
you make friends
you never really know
or even meet
you loose some
and make some new
you laugh, fight, cry,
get hurt, make up
and talk again
they're real but they're not
cyber friends I call them
the ones I've never met
but still feel like long time friends
It's easier to say things
and easier to get into a fight
One I NEVER considered to be
my friend
I got fed up with tonight
I gave her a huge blow out
in front of 20 other cyber "friends"
I think she got the message this time
Others that haven't talked to me
for like 2 years
Are happy to being able to talk to me
again.
One even said, It's so Awesome to
being able to talk to you again.
Cyber friends, friends they
come and go, some stay, some don't
some stay strangers, some become friends,
some you meet, most you don't
like a mixed bowl they come together
in one life
some touch you're soul, most don't
with one I fell in love, with that one I still am.
Some will never met, some will never leave.
I am grateful, the one that I've met
will never leave..........
funny thing, the Internet
Friday, November 03, 2006
Black furrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and purrrrrr
Her body
pushed against me
her black nose
shiny and small
sniffing the air
her black fur
cleaned and groomed
her bright golden almond
shaped eyes
looking at me
purring and asking
for my touch
when I do
she raises her head up
and her little vampire
teeth are visible
on her black skin
and her pink lips
her head so small
it fits in the palm
of my hand
her little black feet
with dark brown
almost black toes
are digging the blanket
and showing her
enjoyment
this is girls time
just me and her
the boys are sleeping
downstairs
sharing the couch
the girls are upstairs
sharing the bed
after she is
satisfied with me
petting her
she stretches and
sits up
careful and precise
washing herself
this ritual takes her
about an hour
even tho she is
the smallest one
of all
it takes her the
longest to get clean
she stretches again
she looks at me
with her golden eyes
and pushes her body
against mine
to stay warm for
night.
pushed against me
her black nose
shiny and small
sniffing the air
her black fur
cleaned and groomed
her bright golden almond
shaped eyes
looking at me
purring and asking
for my touch
when I do
she raises her head up
and her little vampire
teeth are visible
on her black skin
and her pink lips
her head so small
it fits in the palm
of my hand
her little black feet
with dark brown
almost black toes
are digging the blanket
and showing her
enjoyment
this is girls time
just me and her
the boys are sleeping
downstairs
sharing the couch
the girls are upstairs
sharing the bed
after she is
satisfied with me
petting her
she stretches and
sits up
careful and precise
washing herself
this ritual takes her
about an hour
even tho she is
the smallest one
of all
it takes her the
longest to get clean
she stretches again
she looks at me
with her golden eyes
and pushes her body
against mine
to stay warm for
night.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Together to stay.......
oh baby I know the pain
as well as you do,
how can something so right
be kept apart for so long.
This pain will fade
only for us to be together,
but you're worth the wait
and the pain.
I can't wait till the day
we're together to stay,
without the goodbyes
and the broken hearts all over again.
If I would have to choose,
between the pain,
or never being with you
I would do it all over again.
The lonely nights,
the summer days without
your hand in mine.
The hard parts of life,
and the good stuff.
Being without you,
makes me feel like
a candle without the flame.
I refuse to accept,
for us not being together.
It keeps me strong and brave,
willing to fight and to keep going.
Your love keeps me save
and complete.
someday.............someday........
I believe someday we will be
together to stay................
as well as you do,
how can something so right
be kept apart for so long.
This pain will fade
only for us to be together,
but you're worth the wait
and the pain.
I can't wait till the day
we're together to stay,
without the goodbyes
and the broken hearts all over again.
If I would have to choose,
between the pain,
or never being with you
I would do it all over again.
The lonely nights,
the summer days without
your hand in mine.
The hard parts of life,
and the good stuff.
Being without you,
makes me feel like
a candle without the flame.
I refuse to accept,
for us not being together.
It keeps me strong and brave,
willing to fight and to keep going.
Your love keeps me save
and complete.
someday.............someday........
I believe someday we will be
together to stay................
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
changing seasons
Looking forward
for another year
to end
even tho
it will be a little
before that day is here
somehow
a new beginning
every year
starts over
into a new
I will be
with my girl
some things
won't ever change
the days
are shorter now
they start a little
sooner and they
end as quick
day light is
hard to catch
nighttime
seems so much
longer
I am waiting
for new life
new nature
flowers and trees
the wild will
come to life again
I can't wait
for the spring
to start
first winter
has to knock
us down
with cold weather
rain and winds
maybe snow
the ending of
this years new life
the new year
Xmas first
family time
together in harmony
I will be save
and warm
and loved
I love changing seasons
for another year
to end
even tho
it will be a little
before that day is here
somehow
a new beginning
every year
starts over
into a new
I will be
with my girl
some things
won't ever change
the days
are shorter now
they start a little
sooner and they
end as quick
day light is
hard to catch
nighttime
seems so much
longer
I am waiting
for new life
new nature
flowers and trees
the wild will
come to life again
I can't wait
for the spring
to start
first winter
has to knock
us down
with cold weather
rain and winds
maybe snow
the ending of
this years new life
the new year
Xmas first
family time
together in harmony
I will be save
and warm
and loved
I love changing seasons
Sunday, October 29, 2006
so close tho so far away
the happiness
seeing her angel face
after a week
makes me
cry
tears rolling
down my cheeks
missing her
more then ever
before
the softness
the love
the passion
all to read
in her amazing eyes
almost 5000 miles
apart
and our love
is right there
for us both
to feel
so close
tho so far away
seeing her angel face
after a week
makes me
cry
tears rolling
down my cheeks
missing her
more then ever
before
the softness
the love
the passion
all to read
in her amazing eyes
almost 5000 miles
apart
and our love
is right there
for us both
to feel
so close
tho so far away
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Not Friends
some people,
they sneak into your life
pretending
to be good and honest
but when you turn
you got stabbed
in the back
painful and hard
bleeding from the heart
drops hitting you're shoe
and you loose faith
and trust
in mankind
in people
in friends
parasites I call them
they stick to you
with their good manors
and friendly words
with love and devotion
honesty and always smiling
they suck you dry
relay on you
to do it for them
and they come up with excuses
that we in our innocent minds
didn't even think off
I cut them loose
from my skin
with a hot sharp knife
the bloodsuckers
I cut them loose
they crawl back
they keep entering my life
discussions with my loved one
her point of view
comparing with mine
she sees their good sides
I am passed that
Only see the parasite
to me
they're not friends
just parasites
NOT friends.....
just my point of view,
Not friends
they sneak into your life
pretending
to be good and honest
but when you turn
you got stabbed
in the back
painful and hard
bleeding from the heart
drops hitting you're shoe
and you loose faith
and trust
in mankind
in people
in friends
parasites I call them
they stick to you
with their good manors
and friendly words
with love and devotion
honesty and always smiling
they suck you dry
relay on you
to do it for them
and they come up with excuses
that we in our innocent minds
didn't even think off
I cut them loose
from my skin
with a hot sharp knife
the bloodsuckers
I cut them loose
they crawl back
they keep entering my life
discussions with my loved one
her point of view
comparing with mine
she sees their good sides
I am passed that
Only see the parasite
to me
they're not friends
just parasites
NOT friends.....
just my point of view,
Not friends
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Winter Nesting
yup I got it
the urge to nest
winter nesting as I call it
Getting the carpet out
cleaning it
changing the house
inside and out
need some green
and some autumn
colors for inside
lots of candles
and scents
all different
but not bothering
each other
I got it done , took me one day
50 bucks and my
couch got a new look
so does the front window
some colored cabbage for in the back yard
and candles candles candles
winter nesting
I love it!
the urge to nest
winter nesting as I call it
Getting the carpet out
cleaning it
changing the house
inside and out
need some green
and some autumn
colors for inside
lots of candles
and scents
all different
but not bothering
each other
I got it done , took me one day
50 bucks and my
couch got a new look
so does the front window
some colored cabbage for in the back yard
and candles candles candles
winter nesting
I love it!
Friday, October 13, 2006
She got her ticket
I got a new ticket!
I know were bad
just home for 2 weeks now
and already, ready to leave
again.
I say home, but I don't feel home
I am going home, again
soon, very soon.
It makes me stand in life
differently
I am more open, and even
things aren't going as they should
there isn't much that can bring me down
all because I am going home again
to the woman that I love
so I got my ticket
and Hell I AM going to use it!
I know were bad
just home for 2 weeks now
and already, ready to leave
again.
I say home, but I don't feel home
I am going home, again
soon, very soon.
It makes me stand in life
differently
I am more open, and even
things aren't going as they should
there isn't much that can bring me down
all because I am going home again
to the woman that I love
so I got my ticket
and Hell I AM going to use it!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Today is a bad day
Missing my angel
feeling half and incomplete
miss that joy she brings me
even tho she loves me still
miss the soft touch on my skin
her fingers pulling up my shirt
and her soft hands touching my back
the twinkle in her eyes
when she looks at me
the smile her mouth holds
missing my angel
is a bad day
today is a bad day
© AngelZpublishing 2006
feeling half and incomplete
miss that joy she brings me
even tho she loves me still
miss the soft touch on my skin
her fingers pulling up my shirt
and her soft hands touching my back
the twinkle in her eyes
when she looks at me
the smile her mouth holds
missing my angel
is a bad day
today is a bad day
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Rain puts me in a mood.....
You know how rain can set you
in a mood?
It does for me, every time.
the flash the thunder, like
a warning for rain, comes
rolling in from the sea
hitting beach and then
the city I live in
then slowly it starts raining
just a few drops,
while thunder hits us again,
and rain pours down
bright skies and empty streets
soaked landscapes
and nothing but the sound
of rain and thunder
I love those really bad showers
in Minnesota
I hate them in Holland
they put me in a mood here,
of crawling in bed, under the blankets
close curtains and disappear in
the day
In Minnesota they
put me in a mood too
of running out in jeans and shirt only
run out into the fields
and let the rain come down on me
spread my arms like wings
and take the rain in
embrace it
Rain just puts me in a mood......
© AngelZpublishing 2006
in a mood?
It does for me, every time.
the flash the thunder, like
a warning for rain, comes
rolling in from the sea
hitting beach and then
the city I live in
then slowly it starts raining
just a few drops,
while thunder hits us again,
and rain pours down
bright skies and empty streets
soaked landscapes
and nothing but the sound
of rain and thunder
I love those really bad showers
in Minnesota
I hate them in Holland
they put me in a mood here,
of crawling in bed, under the blankets
close curtains and disappear in
the day
In Minnesota they
put me in a mood too
of running out in jeans and shirt only
run out into the fields
and let the rain come down on me
spread my arms like wings
and take the rain in
embrace it
Rain just puts me in a mood......
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Soul Searching II
The last weekend of my summervacation and summerblog. Starting Monday we're all back to our "normal" lives. Not that I like it or anything. Being here, brings back the icky feeling of being away from home. The only ones really happy to see me where my cats, that's the only ones I missed being up there, and my shower, I just love my own shower. I gained a few pounds by leading "the good life" and I got well taken care of by my girl. It's typical when my life is all well and relaxed, and I am happy, I gain. But it's ok, I got all of winter to get it off again. And I will. Next year going to bring some changes, not major, and others will hardly notice it. But I need to. Not happy with how stuff is going around here right now. Not making enough money, so I need another or a second job, and need to work on my body again. And feel happy in it. Boy am I depressed? Not really just had the time to think stuff over for a bit. And digged deep to find what I really want in life. I found the one and only true love for me, so I am happy in that area. Now I need to become happy with my self, so I can share and give my love, to the best of my ability, and care, and take care as much as she deserves. I love her. My girl is the most loving, funny, amazing woman you can imagine, and she got a smile to lose yourself in and eyes oh my god I don't even think that kind of blue is on god's pallet.
And whatever comes our way, good or bad, I know we can make it. Our love is standing strong, and is making it all over the pacific ocean. So can also make it over a few bumps.
Listen to your heart above all other voices.............
© AngelZpublishing 2006
And whatever comes our way, good or bad, I know we can make it. Our love is standing strong, and is making it all over the pacific ocean. So can also make it over a few bumps.
Listen to your heart above all other voices.............
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Welcome home!
The misunderstanding of a parent
the fight you get into as a kid
they shouldn't be between parents and kids
but it seem once you get older
it's the thing that keeps happening
I wasn't easy as a kid,
not really difficult either,
It got harder when I hit puberty
and it's worse now I guess
Never have I heard
two people yell at me so hard
over the phone.
My mom normally hangs up on me
I wanted to be the stronger one
so I didn't while she handed the phone
to my dad, like I care if its her of him
that man lost my respect many years ago
when he broke four of my ribs.
The words where nasty, ugly and mean
and they hit me straight in my gay heart
voices where raised and tears where flowing
I guess some parents, just don't ever truly accept
their gay daughter.
that's what is was about, gay and respect
out of what they said, I can buy their respect, (long story)
I choose my heart, my love, and my own gay mind.
I am smart, and a good person
and I don't care what my parents say any more
I am going on my 4 time around the block
in a couple of years, but I guess for them
I am still the 19 year old girl, who got kicked out.
I told them, I had this conversation with them
19 years ago, I wasn't expecting that I had to do it again.
and I told them, respect is something you earn
you can't demand it, they lost mine
I am thinking of letting go,
totally, not my love, my parents
right now, like 8 hours after the fight,
I am still thinking about the letting go!
so that definitely was a warm welcome,
welcome home!
the fight you get into as a kid
they shouldn't be between parents and kids
but it seem once you get older
it's the thing that keeps happening
I wasn't easy as a kid,
not really difficult either,
It got harder when I hit puberty
and it's worse now I guess
Never have I heard
two people yell at me so hard
over the phone.
My mom normally hangs up on me
I wanted to be the stronger one
so I didn't while she handed the phone
to my dad, like I care if its her of him
that man lost my respect many years ago
when he broke four of my ribs.
The words where nasty, ugly and mean
and they hit me straight in my gay heart
voices where raised and tears where flowing
I guess some parents, just don't ever truly accept
their gay daughter.
that's what is was about, gay and respect
out of what they said, I can buy their respect, (long story)
I choose my heart, my love, and my own gay mind.
I am smart, and a good person
and I don't care what my parents say any more
I am going on my 4 time around the block
in a couple of years, but I guess for them
I am still the 19 year old girl, who got kicked out.
I told them, I had this conversation with them
19 years ago, I wasn't expecting that I had to do it again.
and I told them, respect is something you earn
you can't demand it, they lost mine
I am thinking of letting go,
totally, not my love, my parents
right now, like 8 hours after the fight,
I am still thinking about the letting go!
so that definitely was a warm welcome,
welcome home!
Flying Dutchie
What a journey! Home(?!) now all save and sound, empty and cold all over again. But man was I showered in Love! How much love can a girl get! I am the luckiest person on earth having a girl like that! The last week was awesome, we had relaxed evenings, hot nights (not that is it any of your business) easy mornings, and wonderful afternoons. Midnight baths, all with candles, funny stories and awesome tickle fights and some amazing laughs! God how I love to see hear her Laugh! And I love to make her laugh too. It's funny how my English picks up, and how I get smart with words, as soon as we are together. ( I don't have an accent!! ya hear me?)
Of course the goodbye's are hard and sad and covered with tears, that's the part we never will get used too, that sucky part is always on airports without privacy for saying goodbye or see you soon in a proper way (Amsterdam is better than Minneapolis). People staring at you, even eyeballing, or poke each other to let each other know that two lezzies are kissing! Oh my god, GROW UP!! I don't give a damn anyway haha. Then the hardest part, go through security, after that you can still see each other but you can't hold hands or touch or kiss each other anymore, that is my time to break down and let the water flow. Realision hits you, you're really leaving!
that part keeps breaking my heart, after we can't see each other anymore we always call right away to calm down. She leads me to my gate, I make sure she won't drive till she is calm.
The first flight was to Chicago, that was a riot, NOT being stuck with two big guys next to you, all squished up against the plane window, and me afraid of heights really don't want to sit next to a window. Thank god that only took us 45 minutes! As soon as the plane hit ground I get out my cell phone and call my girl, to check on her ( yes I am one of those annoying people, who don't listen to the captain that cell phones have to stay turned off till we're at the gate, I don't care!)
She just got home from dropping me off at the airport! So I wait for my luggage, and yes it was here this time. And find my gate to Amsterdam. NO SEAT AVAILABLE! Holy f***! WHAT?! They overbooked the flight and there 11 people that can't get on the plane! I get my name on a list, and pray for volunteers to give up their seat. The boarding starts and less and less people are at the gate and I still don't have a seat on that fricken plane! While I start stressing out, and my girl tries to keep me calm on the phone, I am trying to keep my eyes on my luggage, the announcement board and the guy that can get me on the plane. When 95% of the people are on board of the plane I see the guy getting the microphone out and I keep my fingers crossed, and in the list of names, (I feel like I am in class again) I hear something that sounds like my name with a very American accent! Yay thank god I have a seat! and it's aisle, Man do I feel lucky today! I get on the plane, sit next to a very nice girl, that talks so soft that I can barely hear her above the plane engine, but I knot friendly and smile, she must have thought I was crazy or something, cuz at one point she stopped talking (grin) I watched An inconvenient truth, the movie with Al Gore, and I watched X-men to get my mind of things. (sometimes you need a mindless movie). About 8 hours and 15 minutes later I am back on Dutch grounds, not that I want to be here! But I am.
Of course the goodbye's are hard and sad and covered with tears, that's the part we never will get used too, that sucky part is always on airports without privacy for saying goodbye or see you soon in a proper way (Amsterdam is better than Minneapolis). People staring at you, even eyeballing, or poke each other to let each other know that two lezzies are kissing! Oh my god, GROW UP!! I don't give a damn anyway haha. Then the hardest part, go through security, after that you can still see each other but you can't hold hands or touch or kiss each other anymore, that is my time to break down and let the water flow. Realision hits you, you're really leaving!
that part keeps breaking my heart, after we can't see each other anymore we always call right away to calm down. She leads me to my gate, I make sure she won't drive till she is calm.
The first flight was to Chicago, that was a riot, NOT being stuck with two big guys next to you, all squished up against the plane window, and me afraid of heights really don't want to sit next to a window. Thank god that only took us 45 minutes! As soon as the plane hit ground I get out my cell phone and call my girl, to check on her ( yes I am one of those annoying people, who don't listen to the captain that cell phones have to stay turned off till we're at the gate, I don't care!)
She just got home from dropping me off at the airport! So I wait for my luggage, and yes it was here this time. And find my gate to Amsterdam. NO SEAT AVAILABLE! Holy f***! WHAT?! They overbooked the flight and there 11 people that can't get on the plane! I get my name on a list, and pray for volunteers to give up their seat. The boarding starts and less and less people are at the gate and I still don't have a seat on that fricken plane! While I start stressing out, and my girl tries to keep me calm on the phone, I am trying to keep my eyes on my luggage, the announcement board and the guy that can get me on the plane. When 95% of the people are on board of the plane I see the guy getting the microphone out and I keep my fingers crossed, and in the list of names, (I feel like I am in class again) I hear something that sounds like my name with a very American accent! Yay thank god I have a seat! and it's aisle, Man do I feel lucky today! I get on the plane, sit next to a very nice girl, that talks so soft that I can barely hear her above the plane engine, but I knot friendly and smile, she must have thought I was crazy or something, cuz at one point she stopped talking (grin) I watched An inconvenient truth, the movie with Al Gore, and I watched X-men to get my mind of things. (sometimes you need a mindless movie). About 8 hours and 15 minutes later I am back on Dutch grounds, not that I want to be here! But I am.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Monkeys and Boots
Wednesday, September 20, 2006 Minnesota, USA 12:35 pm CT
Finally we found some rest, snuggle some, do some cleaning, just do the little stuff.
cleaned out some rooms today, organizing little me, can't stand a mess. Yesterday was awsome too! Some shopping and man did I spend a lot of money. Getting monkeys and Boots, shirts and brownies all to bring home. I can't really do good without stuff from home. I need my cheetos and my brownies, my muffins and patatoes.
Oh well I got my stuff done, and it's family time now, so sorry for not much writing. We want to get all out of the time we got left.
Love, Peace and Rock and Roll
Finally we found some rest, snuggle some, do some cleaning, just do the little stuff.
cleaned out some rooms today, organizing little me, can't stand a mess. Yesterday was awsome too! Some shopping and man did I spend a lot of money. Getting monkeys and Boots, shirts and brownies all to bring home. I can't really do good without stuff from home. I need my cheetos and my brownies, my muffins and patatoes.
Oh well I got my stuff done, and it's family time now, so sorry for not much writing. We want to get all out of the time we got left.
Love, Peace and Rock and Roll
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Apple donuts and tornadoes
Tuesdaymorning 10:45 am CT, September 19, 2006 MN, USA
So much has happened since the last day I wrote, was that yesterday? I can't even remember that. Yesterday I had an Off day, today I am better. Last couple of days were fun tho, we went to this apple place, I call it an apple farm, but it seem to be an apple orchard so I better believe them. Lots of apples there, all kinds of fun stuff and yummy stuff. Saturday night the Vixen Football game, we lost again, but it was fun. On our way home a wind was coming in, and lightning I've never seen! It was like 1000 flashes in a row and more, and it kept coming! But no rain! Until we had to get gas, we stopped at the gasstation and as usual I went in to go to the restroom and our bug was looking for candy, so all set to get out of there, we looked outside, it was like the dam broke, water everywhere, it was raining so hard, so hard I've never seen anything like it. Thinking we saw the worst of it, we kept driving on the highway home. Then out of the blue, we hit a wall of water. It was like we ended up in the Mississippi river, we couldn't see anything, and I mean NOTHING. Not the road, no lining, no lights not even the windshield wipers. In the middle of the highway! We tried to pull over, but we felt that we were offroad somewhere and we didn't wanted to end up in the ditch. What seems to take an hour just took about 2 minutes in complete darkness to find an exit off the highway. We parked there and waited for it to get better. Those where two scary fricken minutes!! As soon as the rain was a little less we were back on the road, to get home as soon as possible. Then the rain stopped completely, and it got really scary quiet. Nothing just carlights and passing cars. My girl told me "that's not good" and she was right! We finally got home, turned on the news and what seemed?
we went through an F2 deadlyTornado!!!! A girl got killed when her house collapsed on top of her. 247 houses where damaged or totally blown over. Lots of damage everywhere in the path of the Tornado. And we drove straight through it!!! Guess we had some angels looking over us that night!
Be strong and happy, love peace and rock and roll
So much has happened since the last day I wrote, was that yesterday? I can't even remember that. Yesterday I had an Off day, today I am better. Last couple of days were fun tho, we went to this apple place, I call it an apple farm, but it seem to be an apple orchard so I better believe them. Lots of apples there, all kinds of fun stuff and yummy stuff. Saturday night the Vixen Football game, we lost again, but it was fun. On our way home a wind was coming in, and lightning I've never seen! It was like 1000 flashes in a row and more, and it kept coming! But no rain! Until we had to get gas, we stopped at the gasstation and as usual I went in to go to the restroom and our bug was looking for candy, so all set to get out of there, we looked outside, it was like the dam broke, water everywhere, it was raining so hard, so hard I've never seen anything like it. Thinking we saw the worst of it, we kept driving on the highway home. Then out of the blue, we hit a wall of water. It was like we ended up in the Mississippi river, we couldn't see anything, and I mean NOTHING. Not the road, no lining, no lights not even the windshield wipers. In the middle of the highway! We tried to pull over, but we felt that we were offroad somewhere and we didn't wanted to end up in the ditch. What seems to take an hour just took about 2 minutes in complete darkness to find an exit off the highway. We parked there and waited for it to get better. Those where two scary fricken minutes!! As soon as the rain was a little less we were back on the road, to get home as soon as possible. Then the rain stopped completely, and it got really scary quiet. Nothing just carlights and passing cars. My girl told me "that's not good" and she was right! We finally got home, turned on the news and what seemed?
we went through an F2 deadlyTornado!!!! A girl got killed when her house collapsed on top of her. 247 houses where damaged or totally blown over. Lots of damage everywhere in the path of the Tornado. And we drove straight through it!!! Guess we had some angels looking over us that night!
Be strong and happy, love peace and rock and roll
God's fall palette of colors
Amazing how fall
just touched one side
of the woods
they're turning
in the most amazing
colors I've ever seen
one side pine
one side mixed
one side green
one side a palette of
fall colors
like fall just
reached out one
finger and touched
some trees
but wasn't ready yet
for fall to really kick in
trees are losing leaves
but it's comforting
to walk and hear
the wind trying
to pull of those colors
the yellow and red
are breath taking
amazing how god's palette
can color up nature
with the most amazing
colors
Monday, September 18, 2006
Restless Monday
Monday, September 18, 2006. 9:20 Am CT. MN, USA
As time is passing, my stomach is getting more restless. The feeling of leaving soon is making me sick to my stomach and makes my head spin. Even tho I have another week to spend with the people I love most, at the house where I feel more at home then anywhere else. I love this place in my life. But I so hate the leaving. It's peacefully, and my happyplace. I do my thing and make others happy with that. While "at home" in Holland, I do my thing, and all it does is frustrating me. The only thing I miss, are my cats. Other then that I don't have to leave this save haven. Wasn't it for the fact, the people put a moron on the thrown of the empire. A Moron who wouldn't even recognize his own two feet if they were walking in rainbow shoes. A moron who wouldn't love his own daughter if she were gay. (pink/dear mr.president). Makes me feel restless that all I need is that little green paper, which says: you can stay! And there is nothing I can do! Watching around this room I am at now, I feel empty, still filled with love. Confusion and a struggle inside. Hope and desperation at the same time. Feeling so much love, willing to leave all behind, and start a new, at the place, with the people you love more then your own life, and not being able to. It's going to be a tough week this week. I so don't want to go back to Holland. Where life isn't as good, and neighbor's wake you with their weekly fight, course the walls are so thin. Where the neighbor's dog, runs around playing and the cups are falling out of your cupboard because of it. Where all you want to do is cover your head up with blankets make the world fade, and dream of a better life, at a better place. My wolf inside is howling for heartache, sadness and loneliness. But hey! Another week! Awesome! Another week at the place I love most. With my girl, to sleep in her arms, kiss her soft lips, and be silly and loving with.
I will keep my head up!(I'll try)
Be strong and happy, Love peace and rock and Roll
As time is passing, my stomach is getting more restless. The feeling of leaving soon is making me sick to my stomach and makes my head spin. Even tho I have another week to spend with the people I love most, at the house where I feel more at home then anywhere else. I love this place in my life. But I so hate the leaving. It's peacefully, and my happyplace. I do my thing and make others happy with that. While "at home" in Holland, I do my thing, and all it does is frustrating me. The only thing I miss, are my cats. Other then that I don't have to leave this save haven. Wasn't it for the fact, the people put a moron on the thrown of the empire. A Moron who wouldn't even recognize his own two feet if they were walking in rainbow shoes. A moron who wouldn't love his own daughter if she were gay. (pink/dear mr.president). Makes me feel restless that all I need is that little green paper, which says: you can stay! And there is nothing I can do! Watching around this room I am at now, I feel empty, still filled with love. Confusion and a struggle inside. Hope and desperation at the same time. Feeling so much love, willing to leave all behind, and start a new, at the place, with the people you love more then your own life, and not being able to. It's going to be a tough week this week. I so don't want to go back to Holland. Where life isn't as good, and neighbor's wake you with their weekly fight, course the walls are so thin. Where the neighbor's dog, runs around playing and the cups are falling out of your cupboard because of it. Where all you want to do is cover your head up with blankets make the world fade, and dream of a better life, at a better place. My wolf inside is howling for heartache, sadness and loneliness. But hey! Another week! Awesome! Another week at the place I love most. With my girl, to sleep in her arms, kiss her soft lips, and be silly and loving with.
I will keep my head up!(I'll try)
Be strong and happy, Love peace and rock and Roll
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Nickelback day today!!!
September 14th, Thursday, 9:19 am CT USA, MN
Nickelback day today!
Today is the day, it's finally here, I am so excited! Were going to see Nickelback! We are so going to Rock tonight!The funstuff about this concert is too, that they're taping it for the live DVD, Nickelback tour! So we can see the concert back on dvd and maybe we're on that too...........You have to get in really early for that tho, and we're not sure if we want that. We just want to have a nice quiet dinner at applebee's and prepare for some noise! All is going well here, I love the daily live the way it is, getting up at 3 am to get my girl up for work,(normally as soon she is up, I fall back to sleep) then get back up at 7 am to get our son up for school (he is normally really grumpy in the morning) then after he gets on the bus, I take my walk with Dakota (big dingo) and we walk for an hour. After that I don't know, take a shower do some stuff, go online, or just be lazy (hey I'm on vacation!) around 1 pm my girl comes home from work and the fun stuff starts! That's basically my daily thing and you know what? I love it! I love to be a mom, and a partner a lover a best friend!
My tattoo is healing up really nicely, its itchy but we're getting there! It looks awesome, oh I didn't share any pics yet now did I? hmmmmmmmmmm hold on..............
sorry had to take the pictures down.
this is while John was working on me , dang this tattoo hurted so bad, you can still see my old tattoo in there.............
And this is what it looks like now!!!! Isn't that amazing?
It hurted like hell! A cover up is painfully I know that much now, but man it was definitely worth it!!
So Nickelback tonight, I am excited!! I am going to grab me some breakfast now, and take a nice long warm shower, I will write more after the concert.
Be happy, be strong, love, peace and rock and roll
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Some pictures
@Crazy Horse Mountain, Black Hills, South Dakota, USA
@ Mount Rushmore, South Dakota, USA
Me at the badlands, South Dakota, USA
A cowgirl in her natural habitat@ Horse thief Lake, Black Hills, South Dakota, USA
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
South Dakota
Tuesday, September 12th 2006, USA, MN
South Dakota
Wow! What a trip, 10 hours of beautiful sight seeing on our way to south Dakota. And Oh my god, what a drive! The wideness, and the fields all in different colors, breath taking.
After entering SD (South Dakota) it took us another 3 hours to get through. We spend the first night in Ocoama, near chamberlain, nice people, good breakfast and clean room and bed, which I find really important. It was the cutest little town!
From there moving further closer to the black hills, going for the badlands! Oh my god I never, ever saw anything more beautiful then that! It's a National Park, and I understand now, why this spot has been used for so many Hollywood movies. It's wild, rough, and so breath taking, so huge, wide and amazing, and I understand why they made it a protected area, you won't find a more gorgeous spot in the world in North America.
Containing the worldÂ’s richest Oligocene epoch fossil beds, dating 37-28 million years old, the evolutionary stories of mammals such as the horse and rhinoceros arise from the 244,000 acres of sharply eroded buttes, pinnacles, and spires. Bison, bighorn sheep, endangered black-footed ferrets, and swift fox roam one of the largest, protected mixed-grass prairies in the United States.
After that we kept driving, towards mount Rushmore (the mountain with the president faces) and to Crazy Horse, driving through roughest areas and mountains, passing the most wonderful little towns, mostly western towns,awesomee to see that the wild west is still living here, although it's not as wild anymore. Bought two pairs of western boots, ofcourse I couldn't resist, me and my obsession for western boots. We kept going, up to Mount Rushmore we got caught in a thick fog, cloud what ya me call it, it was so thick, I swear, I stuck my hand out of the carwindow and it was gone!! We couldn't see shit! It was scary going up a mountain that high without seeing anything, but Michelle, my sweet lover and ourdesignatedd driver brought us up the mountain. But we couldn't see anything so she brought us down the mountain too, and it was funny, as soon as we got lower at the mountain the fog (cloud) was gone, and it was clear as a whistle unbelievable. We went to Crazy Horse Mountain that wasawesomee to see, an tribute to therightfull people of this country carved into a mountain. There is a lot of history behind this story If you want to find out about this, just google it. So we went to go see Mount Rushmore but we ended up to see Crazy Horse, Mount Rushmore was still covered in thick fog so since we couldn't see a rats ass we decided to find us a hotel room, and stay the night and try again the next day.
We ended up in Hill City, a one street little town with only 780 people living there! I love those little towns. We got us some order out pizza and headed for bed. The next morning we finally got to see Mount Rushmore it's huge and very impressive, granite portraits of Washington, Jefferson, T. Roosevelt, and Lincoln, we spent half a day there and used other half to get back home.Whichh didn't totally worked so we ended up in another hotel to spend the night.
Monday we got home around 5 pm while we started driving at around 9 am that was along day of driving we found that innerstate 90 seemed to take forever. But were here, save and sound. Back in Minnesota.
Love, Peace and Rock and Roll.
Friday, September 08, 2006
River backdoor
September 8th Otsego, Minnesota, USA 10.11 CT
Walking the daily walk today with our dog. And it's so nice in the morning out here! Basically the hour when doesn't really matter it's is so awesome out here period. But on our daily walk, that leads us straight to a wood of Pine trees, there is an opening between the trees, and you can see the Mississippi. That always makes me smile. We ( the dog and me) follow the narrow path down, while you can see the seasons change. Leaves are already letting go of their trees, squirrels are running everywhere and collecting pine- apples for winter, We walk down the narrow path, and you feel like you are in the middle of a big dark wood, when there you see the Mississippi river, the water bright and shiny calling you, that moment brings me so much peace. My mood is sensible course even the dog, stops and looks at me, I guess he can feel my inner peace at that moment. As we follow down the path, the river stops you in your, almost free fall down the hill, there it is.............
When we follow the path back up, my soul feels so much lighter, and my head so much clearer.
what's more awesome then having the river as your backdoor? To me, being here, with the love of my life, our son, and that awesome peaceful river at my backdoor, nothing else matters.
the world can fade, and I will be perfectly happy.
While now, sitting here, typing my blog, the dog peaceful laying on my feet, I can Re- call the peaceful feeling I had when we were standing there, at the riverbank, I feel like going there again.................c'mon Dakota, you want to go for a walk? c'mon boy.............
Walking the daily walk today with our dog. And it's so nice in the morning out here! Basically the hour when doesn't really matter it's is so awesome out here period. But on our daily walk, that leads us straight to a wood of Pine trees, there is an opening between the trees, and you can see the Mississippi. That always makes me smile. We ( the dog and me) follow the narrow path down, while you can see the seasons change. Leaves are already letting go of their trees, squirrels are running everywhere and collecting pine- apples for winter, We walk down the narrow path, and you feel like you are in the middle of a big dark wood, when there you see the Mississippi river, the water bright and shiny calling you, that moment brings me so much peace. My mood is sensible course even the dog, stops and looks at me, I guess he can feel my inner peace at that moment. As we follow down the path, the river stops you in your, almost free fall down the hill, there it is.............
When we follow the path back up, my soul feels so much lighter, and my head so much clearer.
what's more awesome then having the river as your backdoor? To me, being here, with the love of my life, our son, and that awesome peaceful river at my backdoor, nothing else matters.
the world can fade, and I will be perfectly happy.
While now, sitting here, typing my blog, the dog peaceful laying on my feet, I can Re- call the peaceful feeling I had when we were standing there, at the riverbank, I feel like going there again.................c'mon Dakota, you want to go for a walk? c'mon boy.............
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Labordayweekend
september 4th USA
Well I wrote an long blog with all the stuff we've done this last week and then I lost it into cybherspace and I so don't feel like writing it all again!!
So I will fill ya all in but I will keep it short.
Went to the statefair this weekend it was awsome, I love the fact they have all the food
on a stick there. and I mean spaghetti on a stick, hamburger on a stick Imagine that!
walked our asses off, and had lots of fun.
went to the football game on saturdaynight but we were a little late so we missed kick off!
It's hard to get somewhere on time with a 10 year old running around!
tomorrow he will have his first day of school so we will get a little more time for eachother!
at noon I will have John putting on my new tattoo, i am really looking forward to that one cuz it will wipe out the last marking of my past. Ive started a new life and I feel good in it.
Been cruising on highways here, trying to drive around in the truck and getting the hang of the american traffic rules! My girl is keeping a close eye on me. But I am having fun. the weather is awsome here its about 27c the sun is mostly out, and it gives me the feeling i have been seeing a little bit of summer.
called home a few times today, found out all my cats are doing good.
well that's it for now I guess, i will try to write again tomorrow or otherwise later somewhere this week.
Enjoy life, love peace and rock and roll
Well I wrote an long blog with all the stuff we've done this last week and then I lost it into cybherspace and I so don't feel like writing it all again!!
So I will fill ya all in but I will keep it short.
Went to the statefair this weekend it was awsome, I love the fact they have all the food
on a stick there. and I mean spaghetti on a stick, hamburger on a stick Imagine that!
walked our asses off, and had lots of fun.
went to the football game on saturdaynight but we were a little late so we missed kick off!
It's hard to get somewhere on time with a 10 year old running around!
tomorrow he will have his first day of school so we will get a little more time for eachother!
at noon I will have John putting on my new tattoo, i am really looking forward to that one cuz it will wipe out the last marking of my past. Ive started a new life and I feel good in it.
Been cruising on highways here, trying to drive around in the truck and getting the hang of the american traffic rules! My girl is keeping a close eye on me. But I am having fun. the weather is awsome here its about 27c the sun is mostly out, and it gives me the feeling i have been seeing a little bit of summer.
called home a few times today, found out all my cats are doing good.
well that's it for now I guess, i will try to write again tomorrow or otherwise later somewhere this week.
Enjoy life, love peace and rock and roll
Saturday, September 02, 2006
September 1st 2006 MN, USA Being so Home
| Well here we are, we had an awesome picnic yesterday we went on bike through Mississippi pines and found us a nice spot right under some pines half shade half sun and we talked laughed and enjoyed eachothers company taking it kinda slow this week,we're taking stuff kind off slow, do some stuff around the house some groceries, and some laundry other then that not much, I noticed I have a little trouble with the timezone thing, so for me it is all good. I am happy to finally be with my girl and our son and pick up life the way it should be just daily stuff, nothing fancy this weekend to the Minnesota state fair and Saturday night to the vixen Football game. I love this state, the wideness the amazing beauty and the silence I sleep my nights without waking I am so at peace here I am so home |
Friday, September 01, 2006
Summerblog I am here!
Finally I am here
after a bumpy flight
and getting up and started
at 5 am tuesdaymorning
I got home in Minnesota
at 2 am
as usual the waiting
takes the longest
I get bored easily
especially at airports
but after a wait of 3 hours
I got on my plane to Chicago
The nine hour flight
was, well just call it
do-able, watched 3 movies
and even got an hour of sleep
the annoying people
next to me and in front of me
well.....lets not talk about them
after that one i had another
one waiting for me
at Chicago, what I thought
would be a long wait
turned out to be a hurry up job
had to get my luggage off
and then put it on the other plane
took me almost 45 minutes to
get my suitcases and hell then
I found out my other flight was
leaving in 45 minutes
so I got through customs
and security, rushed
to a convenience store
to get my Chicago cap
and jumped on the other plane home
that was only a one hour flight
so that went really well
once at the airport of Minneapolis
I got kinda excited and jumpy
(as far as I could after a 20 hour flight)
and there she was
I could finally hold her in my arms
again, my heart racing
my mind going a thousand miles
an hour.
after a giggle and a hug and kiss
we were off to get some suitcases
that didn't came
seems my suitcases where
shipped onto another plane
also to Chicago but we had
to wait another half hour for them
so we went outside and stared
in eachothers eyes
totally in love, and sighed
finally the carousel was
spinning again
get off my suitcases
and head home,
home oh how I wanted
to be home
Our son, waiting for us.
After 22 hours I was home
deadly tired but satisfied and home
we fell asleep hard
more soon.
Love, peace and Rock and Roll!
© AngelZpublishing 2006
after a bumpy flight
and getting up and started
at 5 am tuesdaymorning
I got home in Minnesota
at 2 am
as usual the waiting
takes the longest
I get bored easily
especially at airports
but after a wait of 3 hours
I got on my plane to Chicago
The nine hour flight
was, well just call it
do-able, watched 3 movies
and even got an hour of sleep
the annoying people
next to me and in front of me
well.....lets not talk about them
after that one i had another
one waiting for me
at Chicago, what I thought
would be a long wait
turned out to be a hurry up job
had to get my luggage off
and then put it on the other plane
took me almost 45 minutes to
get my suitcases and hell then
I found out my other flight was
leaving in 45 minutes
so I got through customs
and security, rushed
to a convenience store
to get my Chicago cap
and jumped on the other plane home
that was only a one hour flight
so that went really well
once at the airport of Minneapolis
I got kinda excited and jumpy
(as far as I could after a 20 hour flight)
and there she was
I could finally hold her in my arms
again, my heart racing
my mind going a thousand miles
an hour.
after a giggle and a hug and kiss
we were off to get some suitcases
that didn't came
seems my suitcases where
shipped onto another plane
also to Chicago but we had
to wait another half hour for them
so we went outside and stared
in eachothers eyes
totally in love, and sighed
finally the carousel was
spinning again
get off my suitcases
and head home,
home oh how I wanted
to be home
Our son, waiting for us.
After 22 hours I was home
deadly tired but satisfied and home
we fell asleep hard
more soon.
Love, peace and Rock and Roll!
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Summerblog Countdown
Summerblog countdown
It has started
next Tuesday is the day
one suitcase is packed
phones are charging
camera is charging
money is counted
tickets and passport
is checked
al that is waiting now
is get that fricken cast off
be the DJ on Saturday and night
get some artificial tan (by booth, not spray)
butterflies are wild
smile is permanent
eyes are twinkling
nights are restless
I am ready to go
definite countdown
has started
© AngelZpublishing 2006
It has started
next Tuesday is the day
one suitcase is packed
phones are charging
camera is charging
money is counted
tickets and passport
is checked
al that is waiting now
is get that fricken cast off
be the DJ on Saturday and night
get some artificial tan (by booth, not spray)
butterflies are wild
smile is permanent
eyes are twinkling
nights are restless
I am ready to go
definite countdown
has started
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Puhhuhlease hey!
Oh please take the cast off!
you know how it started
with just a sore foot!
and how amazing it is that
after a day of walking with it
the sore foot is gone
after two days
you knee hurts really bad
and your other leg!
your dying from muscle pain
after 3 days you get the Itch!
so you poke some sticks into your
cast, to reach the itch
and while trying to reach
you break skin and that hurts
and you're still itching!!
after 4 days your so done
with the fricken clump of clay
that you do anything to
get rid of it
after 5 days your body is
hurting cuz of the way you walk
with the ten pound foot
you're back is killing
not to mention the knee
the muscle pain
and the itch spot that you
broke skin on
are they sure, that a cast
is the best solution?
I doubt it please puhhuhlease
take it off me!!
thank god only 1,5 day left!!
© AngelZpublishing 2006
you know how it started
with just a sore foot!
and how amazing it is that
after a day of walking with it
the sore foot is gone
after two days
you knee hurts really bad
and your other leg!
your dying from muscle pain
after 3 days you get the Itch!
so you poke some sticks into your
cast, to reach the itch
and while trying to reach
you break skin and that hurts
and you're still itching!!
after 4 days your so done
with the fricken clump of clay
that you do anything to
get rid of it
after 5 days your body is
hurting cuz of the way you walk
with the ten pound foot
you're back is killing
not to mention the knee
the muscle pain
and the itch spot that you
broke skin on
are they sure, that a cast
is the best solution?
I doubt it please puhhuhlease
take it off me!!
thank god only 1,5 day left!!
© AngelZpublishing 2006
SummerBlog Try-Out
Ok so here I am just a week before I leave for the states. I am going to write differently for a bit so you all (the thousands that are reading my blog hahaha)can get used to reading a slightly different blog. I will be sharing lots of stuff, not everything tho, I won't get into details on some adventures, but I will tell most. I am going to try to write on a daily base but forgive me if I don't. So the graving started, for peanutbutter cookies, orange pop, and the longing for silence.
The one thing I am definitely can do without is the barking $%^&*dog at one side and the screaming, yelling kids on the other. Oh my god, it's going to be so peaceful. At times that is. Like I think everybody knows, we have a son, a big dog and neighbor's too in the States, but they're not coming close to being as noisy as what I go through in Dutchieland. I mean the neighbor's are half a mile away (a little less but you get the picture) and our puppy doesn't bark just howls and that's so cute. But oh well, so next Tuesday I will be getting up really early, about 5 am and leave for the airport at around 7 am, but you will read about that later.
I am almost done packing and checking my list if I got everything. Not bringing much clothes but just stuff that needs to stay in the States. My cats, are feeling something is up, following me around, making sure they don't loose my out of sight. Those I am going to miss. Little chaos in my head is going on, but it will be all ok. Praying for Wednesday when my cast will be taken off, that my foot healed just fine, and I can walk normally again. I am done with taking my showers sitting down, and lasting for almost an hour every day. Well that's going to be it for today, maybe some brain farts later tonight, but I will see.
Be brave and crazy, be good, do good!
(oh you can leave comments on the summerblog if you want FYI)
The one thing I am definitely can do without is the barking $%^&*dog at one side and the screaming, yelling kids on the other. Oh my god, it's going to be so peaceful. At times that is. Like I think everybody knows, we have a son, a big dog and neighbor's too in the States, but they're not coming close to being as noisy as what I go through in Dutchieland. I mean the neighbor's are half a mile away (a little less but you get the picture) and our puppy doesn't bark just howls and that's so cute. But oh well, so next Tuesday I will be getting up really early, about 5 am and leave for the airport at around 7 am, but you will read about that later.
I am almost done packing and checking my list if I got everything. Not bringing much clothes but just stuff that needs to stay in the States. My cats, are feeling something is up, following me around, making sure they don't loose my out of sight. Those I am going to miss. Little chaos in my head is going on, but it will be all ok. Praying for Wednesday when my cast will be taken off, that my foot healed just fine, and I can walk normally again. I am done with taking my showers sitting down, and lasting for almost an hour every day. Well that's going to be it for today, maybe some brain farts later tonight, but I will see.
Be brave and crazy, be good, do good!
(oh you can leave comments on the summerblog if you want FYI)
Monday, August 21, 2006
Growing up, man it feels good!
Do I aspect too much?
Or is it my common reason
that I find
that parents should
check up on their kids
no matter how old?
5 days ago, I came home
from work with this cast
foot up to knee
in blue light weighted plaster
haven't seen my parents since
first they've told me
they would swing by
Friday (2 days after it happened)
then probably Saturday or Sunday
it's Sunday 8.15 pm here
I haven't seen them yet
so jealous, of people
with parents who are there
just 5 minutes after something
happened to them
parents who do the small things
and make you feel loved
like picking you up from
the airport after a vacation
or the flowers at the dinnertable
when you get home
Or who sit at your hospital bed
after surgery
I don't have any of that
never had, never will
Is it just me?
am I too needy for that
kind of love?
Is that what made me
so hard and though
till two years ago when
I met my Angel?
I never had the parents
who told me" i love you"
Or told me what a great job
I did, I have the parents
that still tell me
that If I try (tried) harder
it would be better
with better results
I told them tonight
that I am mad as hell
and disappointed.
I just called them up
and said it, spit it out.
they were in shock
and totally unexpected
but I told them, and hurt
them for a change
and I cried a river
till my chest hurt so bad
then I called my Angel
and told her my frustration
she calmed me down
and made me feel loved
and peacefully again
I guess this new age of mine
did something to me
and I am still changing
for the best
I am growing up
and man it feels good!
Or is it my common reason
that I find
that parents should
check up on their kids
no matter how old?
5 days ago, I came home
from work with this cast
foot up to knee
in blue light weighted plaster
haven't seen my parents since
first they've told me
they would swing by
Friday (2 days after it happened)
then probably Saturday or Sunday
it's Sunday 8.15 pm here
I haven't seen them yet
so jealous, of people
with parents who are there
just 5 minutes after something
happened to them
parents who do the small things
and make you feel loved
like picking you up from
the airport after a vacation
or the flowers at the dinnertable
when you get home
Or who sit at your hospital bed
after surgery
I don't have any of that
never had, never will
Is it just me?
am I too needy for that
kind of love?
Is that what made me
so hard and though
till two years ago when
I met my Angel?
I never had the parents
who told me" i love you"
Or told me what a great job
I did, I have the parents
that still tell me
that If I try (tried) harder
it would be better
with better results
I told them tonight
that I am mad as hell
and disappointed.
I just called them up
and said it, spit it out.
they were in shock
and totally unexpected
but I told them, and hurt
them for a change
and I cried a river
till my chest hurt so bad
then I called my Angel
and told her my frustration
she calmed me down
and made me feel loved
and peacefully again
I guess this new age of mine
did something to me
and I am still changing
for the best
I am growing up
and man it feels good!
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Just me & Rasta Pasta
had a kind of soulsearch
the last couple of days
I've changed a lot
Last two years
And bad things
are turned into good
It started off really sucky
cuz I probably broke my foot
doctors aren't sure yet
guess that's my luck
but this girl from work
let's call her Rasta
Was so sweet and patient
and understanding
she sat with me at the
hospital for two hours
Late at night I find
another girl from work online
she calls me at my cell
and she will swing by the next day
turns out she stayed with me all
day and helped me out with everything
I had to do for the coming week
then I got home
and my neighbor had something
for me turns out that Rasta brought
me Pasta (Rasta Pasta)
cuz she felt so sorry for me
and was probably afraid
I would starve to death
and the amazing thing of this all is
that I know these girls just for a little
while,
I guess I've changed
I showed them my soft side
my good heart, and my honest
intension, and they gave it back
in many ways I didn't even know
it would effect me like this
they have no idea
how much this all means to me
what it does to me
and how loved I felt
but to me
its prove that there
are people who likes me
just for me, while I am me
Just me, honest, vulnerable me
amazing to me, that I didn't knew
there still were people like this
people just like me
© AngelZpublishing 2006
the last couple of days
I've changed a lot
Last two years
And bad things
are turned into good
It started off really sucky
cuz I probably broke my foot
doctors aren't sure yet
guess that's my luck
but this girl from work
let's call her Rasta
Was so sweet and patient
and understanding
she sat with me at the
hospital for two hours
Late at night I find
another girl from work online
she calls me at my cell
and she will swing by the next day
turns out she stayed with me all
day and helped me out with everything
I had to do for the coming week
then I got home
and my neighbor had something
for me turns out that Rasta brought
me Pasta (Rasta Pasta)
cuz she felt so sorry for me
and was probably afraid
I would starve to death
and the amazing thing of this all is
that I know these girls just for a little
while,
I guess I've changed
I showed them my soft side
my good heart, and my honest
intension, and they gave it back
in many ways I didn't even know
it would effect me like this
they have no idea
how much this all means to me
what it does to me
and how loved I felt
but to me
its prove that there
are people who likes me
just for me, while I am me
Just me, honest, vulnerable me
amazing to me, that I didn't knew
there still were people like this
people just like me
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Do I need to say more?
I've been kinda
"told" to write a blog
today
But how do you,
when your inspiration
is just lost
she gave me the finger
today,
I could write about that
I know she is cracking up
while reading it
yeah you! I can see you!!!
again it amazed us
how much of a colored
bunch we are
a"black" girl (she hates it when I call her black, so I will make it umm brown?, tanned? Colored, aren't we all?)
a Chinese boy,
a girl born in India, (what ya me call that, Indian? )
a Tamil boy has added
and then there is me
miss whitey (or should I say Pinky Jael??or just the white gay one?)
It's so much fun to see this group
sometimes it makes me think
this is how the world should look
and that brings me back to
the header of my blog,
I believe We have to stay together.
All colors, all ethnic backgrounds,
all religions all sexual preferences,
whatever the differences.
We are full of differences,
each and every one of us,
and we all must come together against any kind of hate.
It is as simple as good and evil.
To wrap our heads around why is difficult.
The only way we can feel safe is if we embrace each other.
do I need to say more?
© AngelZpublishing 2006
"told" to write a blog
today
But how do you,
when your inspiration
is just lost
she gave me the finger
today,
I could write about that
I know she is cracking up
while reading it
yeah you! I can see you!!!
again it amazed us
how much of a colored
bunch we are
a"black" girl (she hates it when I call her black, so I will make it umm brown?, tanned? Colored, aren't we all?)
a Chinese boy,
a girl born in India, (what ya me call that, Indian? )
a Tamil boy has added
and then there is me
miss whitey (or should I say Pinky Jael??or just the white gay one?)
It's so much fun to see this group
sometimes it makes me think
this is how the world should look
and that brings me back to
the header of my blog,
I believe We have to stay together.
All colors, all ethnic backgrounds,
all religions all sexual preferences,
whatever the differences.
We are full of differences,
each and every one of us,
and we all must come together against any kind of hate.
It is as simple as good and evil.
To wrap our heads around why is difficult.
The only way we can feel safe is if we embrace each other.
do I need to say more?
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Thank you for loving me.
To wake up
in the morning
and feel your warmth
that's what I dream of
now
and every morning
when rain
tries to work its way
into the bedroom
by banging on my window
I know I am getting
closer to be with you
to finally be able
to hold your hand
and feel you close
to kiss those perfect
lips
and to finally look
into those eyes that
sweep me from my feet
I love you Michelle,
hang in there,
we almost made it.
I am so proud of you
the way you're holding
on to our love
and how you keep
resisting
the distance between us
so amazed by the love
you feel for me
and the trust in
us being together
someday, somehow
thank you for loving me
© AngelZpublishing 2006
in the morning
and feel your warmth
that's what I dream of
now
and every morning
when rain
tries to work its way
into the bedroom
by banging on my window
I know I am getting
closer to be with you
to finally be able
to hold your hand
and feel you close
to kiss those perfect
lips
and to finally look
into those eyes that
sweep me from my feet
I love you Michelle,
hang in there,
we almost made it.
I am so proud of you
the way you're holding
on to our love
and how you keep
resisting
the distance between us
so amazed by the love
you feel for me
and the trust in
us being together
someday, somehow
thank you for loving me
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Demons
Had a rough night
turning and twisting
my demons
poking me
and keeping me
restless
stomach ache
head ache
puking and restless
demons are getting to
me
my angel tried
to reassure me
that all was fine
demons kept chasing me
through the darkness
of night
then finally
the sun came through
the thick blanket of clouds
and I fell asleep
deep, hard and peaceful
© AngelZpublishing 2006
turning and twisting
my demons
poking me
and keeping me
restless
stomach ache
head ache
puking and restless
demons are getting to
me
my angel tried
to reassure me
that all was fine
demons kept chasing me
through the darkness
of night
then finally
the sun came through
the thick blanket of clouds
and I fell asleep
deep, hard and peaceful
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Birthday wish
Thinking about life
when you get a year older
heading for the big 40
in a couple of years
make you think
about life
I am pretty happy
kinda lonely
kinda poor
but healthy
with a family
that truly
loves me
the distance is
killing tho
my wish for this
birthday is
being together
with my girl
and our son
I will send that
wish up to the stars
tomorrow
when I hit 37
when I blow out
my candles on the cake
shivering
cuz of missing
the warm hand
from my girl on
my back
It's there tho
I can feel it anyway
never thought
I would find
so much love
in my life as
I do the last two
years of it
the pure
true peaceful love
the feeling that
words aren't enough
to describe
the completeness of it
it's there I can feel it
I share it
and I receive
not complicated
pure but sure
not simple
My birthday wish
is that I can hold on
to that for the rest
of my life
and be with her
in the same house
the same place on
this earth
that's my birthday wish
cheers ahead of what will
become
cheers to me, and 37 years
may I become wisdom
and health, cuz love
and happiness
I've already received.
© AngelZpublishing 2006
when you get a year older
heading for the big 40
in a couple of years
make you think
about life
I am pretty happy
kinda lonely
kinda poor
but healthy
with a family
that truly
loves me
the distance is
killing tho
my wish for this
birthday is
being together
with my girl
and our son
I will send that
wish up to the stars
tomorrow
when I hit 37
when I blow out
my candles on the cake
shivering
cuz of missing
the warm hand
from my girl on
my back
It's there tho
I can feel it anyway
never thought
I would find
so much love
in my life as
I do the last two
years of it
the pure
true peaceful love
the feeling that
words aren't enough
to describe
the completeness of it
it's there I can feel it
I share it
and I receive
not complicated
pure but sure
not simple
My birthday wish
is that I can hold on
to that for the rest
of my life
and be with her
in the same house
the same place on
this earth
that's my birthday wish
cheers ahead of what will
become
cheers to me, and 37 years
may I become wisdom
and health, cuz love
and happiness
I've already received.
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Friday, August 04, 2006
I feel so helpless.........
My girl
is getting sad
the closer we get
to be together
the worse it gets
the realization
of being this far
is hitting her hard
setting the mood
and making her think
it effects her
on a daily base
I find this so sad
and I feel so helpless
the more the countdown
get lower in numbers
and in days
the more cheery
I get
I am going to be
in her arms soon
although in the back
of my brain
there is that fear
the date
when I have to
leave again
It's pushing hard
on my chest
making difficult
to breath and stay
calm
my poor baby
got that even worse
I feel so helpless
© AngelZpublishing 2006
is getting sad
the closer we get
to be together
the worse it gets
the realization
of being this far
is hitting her hard
setting the mood
and making her think
it effects her
on a daily base
I find this so sad
and I feel so helpless
the more the countdown
get lower in numbers
and in days
the more cheery
I get
I am going to be
in her arms soon
although in the back
of my brain
there is that fear
the date
when I have to
leave again
It's pushing hard
on my chest
making difficult
to breath and stay
calm
my poor baby
got that even worse
I feel so helpless
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Birthday smile
the days are
closing in
and the hours
are ticking away fast
my birthday is coming
I can't deny
I will become 37
It's a nice age
and I will get used to it
another one
to celebrate without
my beloved one
without my family
so in my heart
I will pretend
it's not my birthday yet
till we are together
and feel my heart
make the jump of joy
when she walks
into the room
and fill it with
my birthday smile
© AngelZpublishing 2006
closing in
and the hours
are ticking away fast
my birthday is coming
I can't deny
I will become 37
It's a nice age
and I will get used to it
another one
to celebrate without
my beloved one
without my family
so in my heart
I will pretend
it's not my birthday yet
till we are together
and feel my heart
make the jump of joy
when she walks
into the room
and fill it with
my birthday smile
© AngelZpublishing 2006
Workfloor massages
Haven't really
seen or talked to
my fellow musketeers
lately
don't know why that is
Maybe it's because
the group
we're hanging with now
is becoming bigger
as much fun as always
like today
we had a kinda
workfloor massage farm
going on
it was too funny
One started
to give another a shoulder massage
before we knew
I was one of the guys
and got one too
no Leader on the
floor today
I had an awsome day
didn't work much
but this was just what
the doctor ordered
just a fun day full
of laughter
It got so bad at one point
the tallest guy of the six of us
was laying flat face down
on the floor
and the smallest girl
of us, was walking on his back
at work, right under the
noses of those
who where in charge
It was fun in many ways tho
we got to talk about things
we never really get the chance too
but the funniest of
the day
was the workfloor massage
who can ever say that
lifted up
by the guys and girls
at work,
just another tuesday morning
© AngelZpublishing 2006
seen or talked to
my fellow musketeers
lately
don't know why that is
Maybe it's because
the group
we're hanging with now
is becoming bigger
as much fun as always
like today
we had a kinda
workfloor massage farm
going on
it was too funny
One started
to give another a shoulder massage
before we knew
I was one of the guys
and got one too
no Leader on the
floor today
I had an awsome day
didn't work much
but this was just what
the doctor ordered
just a fun day full
of laughter
It got so bad at one point
the tallest guy of the six of us
was laying flat face down
on the floor
and the smallest girl
of us, was walking on his back
at work, right under the
noses of those
who where in charge
It was fun in many ways tho
we got to talk about things
we never really get the chance too
but the funniest of
the day
was the workfloor massage
who can ever say that
lifted up
by the guys and girls
at work,
just another tuesday morning
© AngelZpublishing 2006
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