Little Yellow Notes

After a week on high
on clouds of love and laughter
after sugar and candy canes

i find yellow notes
yellow notes of love and laughter
yellow notes of sugar and candy canes

yellow notes of being home soon
yellow notes of love and laughter
little yellow notes every where!

Confessions and Jealousy

Sometimes you have just thoughts, stuff that enters your mind and doesn't let go, some call it just thoughts, others call it jealousy or obsessions, controlling. Different people different opinions different thoughts different names. It doesn't matter how any one else reads whatever I'm writing. Some understand, some don't, some let it go, some blow it up and way out of proportion. I don't really care, I am not a public figure so I don't think any one else cares either. There is just one person who I want to understand and she already does, so I have no worries, just thoughts..............

You know the feeling how some person can get under your skin? In a bad and worried way?How your guts tell you not to trust that person and your mind tells you to try?It doesn't happen to me often, this is the second time in my life, and I can't seem to cut is loose.The first time, we go back to another life, and way back in time! No one listened to me, every body told me I was seeing things that weren't there! But I saw signs, that girl, couldn't be trusted. I've tried to let go, and under pressure of friends and partner we kind of became” friends" and slowly our lives tangled up. Alarm signs kept going off, but I was told over and over, not to pay attention to them, so in the end, over a period of ten years, I didn't any more. I got kind of numb for them. Somewhere in the back of my mind, some little beep went off every time I saw her, or heard her talking to who I loved most at that time. And when we talked, I was told I was jealous of nothing, paranoid and even controlling.People, friends and even her, kept telling me that I saw something that wasn't there! I should get over it, and I turned in to someone who tries to control every situation, so I was told. That station hurts me the most. Me controlling? ummm hello I am a Leo!! What do you expect? I want to keep and protect what I got, and even my wild species, will fight when it comes to their woman! It's in my genes and in my guts, but I got numb and didn't listen to those guts anymore.

After ten years, I turned out to be right!!!! the one I didn't trust wasn't to be trusted all along! Many people told me so, that I was right! and they didn't see what I saw and felt! But what good did it do me at the time? None!Present!

Now, today! a different life! completely different person, complete different situation and the same alarm bells going off.....................

We started of as friends this time, something happened and that feeling came back right away! It's like it's revenge, revenge for not getting me, having me, or being able to love me? I don't know, I do know that Love and Hate are related! Cuz that is what happened with person #1 (did I mention she was an exgirlfriend?)But oh well person #2 is scarier, she is dripping into my personal life through the love of my life. (Let's get one thing straight, I trust my angel, completely, all the way and blind folded, hanging on a cliff with her holding just my little pinky finger)that she became friends with.

But I see the same approach, getting to the girlfriend to turn my life into a hell. Sadly enough for me, they became friends and surprisingly enough she seems to be a good friend. Except when it comes to me. I would think any "real" friend, would be happy when your best friend has the love of her life in her live, and even tho they live 5000 miles away they're still being faithful. And when they can finally see each other once out of twice a year, you would be happy that they can be together and you would give them all the time they need to be together? And not like person #2 feel neglected when they spent 2 weeks together, they come visit you 5 times in those 2 weeks?

ALARMBELLS!

to me, and my guts, that’s jealousy! not from me, but from her! I don't know, I so hear people say things that I don't want to hear. I can see how she looks at my Angel, and it freaks me out so bad, that a lot of person #1 comes back. Different this time is that I trust my Angel so I am not worried. But it's kind of like having a stalker I guess. She moved in to the house also, she shares a house with the person I love most! I am not scared, or worried just freaked out that situation #1 is partly repeating itself. Some ones Obsessive behavior and hating my guts.

I am jealous tho, really jealous!The snake (person#2) is able to look into my Angel's amazing, swimming pool in summer colored, shiny making your heart jump eyes every day!

Jealous! of the snake being able to hear my Angel's ,touch my heart, kill me and I'd die happy, laugh every day!

Jealous of the snake being able to smell her, walking by and make your knees collapse, crash to the ground and knock the wind out of you, scent.

Jealous of the snake being able to spent time with MY family, OUR son, and OUR life, and MY greatest one and only love of my life!And yes it hurts!It hurts when I hear, that they're doing stuff together! And keeping in touch when my angel is on a trip! While it's hard for us to stay in touch because I'm so far away! And yes it makes my skin crawl, when I hear her say things about my Angel, while I didn't even knew that! And yes it makes my blood boil how she is going through our stuff to clean out the garage or house!

But I understand!

She is a friend!

Just not mine!

It feels like we took a stalker into the house! Like a mad fan, who just wants to be around you and know everything! Keep your friends close, and you’re enemies closer! But this is a little too close for my taste! We don't have a choice tho, and it will only be for a year! God I am praying for strength!

the thing that concerns me most, is that Angel didn't see! she is now tho, but still some stuff she doesn't see. And I know some of this stuff is my paranoid mind! But hell how do you respond? When you realize you found THE ONE! and some one else is after her? I will fight battles for her! I drive her crazy at times, I am lucky she is patient with me, and she understands and she knows it's out of love and that I trust her completely but I know I drive her to madness at times! I see my bears on the road! I know! But I also got back to trusting my guts!and my alarmbells!

It would all be easier to handle if we just lived under one roof, as a family, the family that we are! but the damn miles inbetween make it hard! And were working so hard to make those go away! 3 years now and we didn't get an inch closer! my heart is with her my mind is also......my evil eye is on the snake...........

where my wings carry me.......

As birds fly in my clouded mind
my mind wanders off to borderless
countries, mountains and cities

to where my mind wants to go
to a place my heart belongs
and my head lays to rest

to where my fingers want to touch
my skin is longing for
and my wings wants to fly

thousands of miles my wings
did carry me, the wind brought me
and my mind wandered off too

still my body is trapped in a place
I don't want to be, my heart doesn't belong
and my hands can't touch the one I love

hoping for stronger wings to carry me
by the hands of wind
to the one that I love

Sleep

After your laughter like thunder
After your skin like coffee and cream
After it takes our bodies into the night
After we've come to the extreme

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heart beat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to your peace
And go to sleep

And when we've gone a million miles
Made true our dreams with sweat and bone
After we've built it up with our bare hands
Made strong a place we can call home
And when the light in my eye is fading
When running water becomes too deep
Finally angels turn my fire to dust
And when my soul's no longer mine to keep

I want to lay down on your shoulder
Just inside your arm
I want to listen to your heartbeat
And your breathing on and on
I want to lay down on your shoulder
Surrender to the peace
And just go to sleep


lyrics Melissa Etheridge

Rollercoaster ride

I don't know how, and I don't know why,
but I am sure enjoying it.
the roller coaster is on again, and we're still
going up and up

aware that at some time it will burst in energy
loose his grip, and can only hope it will
follow the trail and slide us gently down
to an abrupt stop and the end of the road

right now we're on the high and enjoying it!

imagine that

wow! Imagine that.....................

train of thoughts

it's been a while and man alot has happend
it's typical for me to turn to my blog when stuff
is bothering, or overwhelming me I also turn here
when I feel lonely or misunderstood
I feel like I can reorganize my own thoughts to see
them back all written down.
I used to do that on paper but no one to share it with then
and i felt offended when some one did read it,
it's easier some how to share it with people I don't know
that I don't see, and won't comment on my world of thoughts.
Some days I have nothing to say, cuz haven't spoken one word all
day really. And some times I just talk to my baby this way, words
that are written down will never be lost.

Stolen hours, given days

While my body is trying to get back into the timezone
I originally live in(which isn't working very well I am writing at 6 am)
my mind keeps wondering back to the wonderfull time I had this time with my Angel.

after the long wait that always keeps us a part from each other, it was finally that time,
and we complained earlier this year about the hours "they" keep steeling from us
when it comes to day light saving. We laughed and cried, held each other, made love, and were loving, a family, did chores and all the things a normall family does.

for the miles in between were not a normall family, other than that, I think we come pretty close. But what is normal any way.
any how.......................my flight was changed and I got to my Angel's arms an hour later then we planned, so again "they" stole an hour from us. But like always we never put to much energy to it and moved on with being our happy little selves.

After a while, the time came close rapitly for me to return to my originial timezone and inside we weren't ready for that yet, we both had the feeling something wasn't done yet, but only human as we are we didn't paid much attention to it, other than the heartbreak that we go through and the tears and need of sucking up every touch and kiss.

We did what we normally never do, and checked my flight stuff on net, my flight was cancelled!!
how was I to get my butt to Chicago now? Were my plane to Amsterdam was waiting? Kinda nervous and grinny but sick to my stomach we tried to figure out what happend! and indeed it was cancelled! To cut a long story short, After a lot of phonecalls, recalls and emails and two other flights later I got my flight on Wednesday! 3 days later than I was supposse to leave the states!

So all the stolen hours were given back in days.......................