Tears

pain, tears, missing


sounds broken heart.


missing more, more tears, more pain

feeling helpless, feeling blue

crying..........

watching pictures, see her smile

warming me from the inside out

longing for her voice, it's late,

stretching cat, glaring eyes,

turning of light,

tears....................

Big dreams, big city, little sleep

Big dreams keeping me up
instead of taking me away
on a big comfy cloud,
it's keeping me up,
making me toss and turn.

the possibility to move
is here, not to the states
but the the east of my country
out of the city
the house is there, a friends
that is willing to let us move in
so why not go already
and get it ready

afraid, no one there I know
except that one friend
but it's a chance to start a new
sigh what to do?
will life be better there?
more jobs maybe?

a bigger house for sure
with a back yard
in a nice new neighbourhood
fresh air, out of the city,
will I still be dutchcitygirl?
or will I become dutchfarmgirl
formally knows as dutchcitygirl.

my cats will have a better life there
more room for Dakota(our dog) to come over
from the states.
more room, but what do I need more rooms for
as long as I am by myself?

further away from my family,(read brother and his wife and kids)
will it be easier?
will I be brave enough?
to just do it?
It's keeping me up...........

I need to sleep it over for a night......
but wasn't that the problem to begin with?

An I love you email.

written by my baby at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:11:21 -0700 (PDT)

sit here wondering when the day will come. will it be tomorrow?
The next day but I hope the day we dream of is here soon!
I feel so bad that I am not always able to show you everyday how much I love you!
I know you feel it when we are together and I hate the pain you have when are not together! We always talk about that mystical day I just wish so much that the day was today!
I am happy that we have a past, present and future.
I just wish I could tell you a day and give you light to focus on.


written by me at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:21:11 -0700 (PDT)

baby you're so sweet, but you know what? YOU are the light that I focus on!
You are the one that keeps me going.
I don't need a date for knowing how much we love each other.
I want to see you every day, but I don't need to, to know that you love me!
I know how much you love me. Your love is traveling 5000 miles every day to get to me!
You know how strong love has to be to do that?
I wish we were together too, don't get me wrong. But I feel your love, every day! As long as we keep faith, and believe and know that, that day will come, it will be soon.

thank you for loving me,

always yours.

to hold her again

She is again 5000 miles away
when I woke in the morning
and reached out for her,
she was gone
my brain was waking up
and realized that she has gone back.

I miss her. already.
my body response to missing her
is getting sick
so instead of waking with my sweetheart
I woke up with two tennis balls
in my neck, and no voice.........

while swallowing feels like eating razorblades
has my chin disappeared into my swollen neck
with a fever, and sweating so much that I have to
change shirts every two hours

so not just my heart is homesick to her
my body is also
we started the countdown again
121 days left to hold her again........

Lucky

it flew by
3 weeks of passion
love, fun, laughter
safety,confidence
friendship, motherhood
tickle fights, passionate nights
giggles, looks and LOVE
Love with a capital L

Oh my god, I am so completely in
LLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
with this woman

she is my world,
I know there are other couples
who probably feel this connection
for me it's the first time
she really makes my heart jump of Joy like I NEVER felt before.

these last 3 weeks were amazing.
we traveled this little country almost
from top to bottom by train........

now I miss her touch,
her soft lips on mine
her hand on my back that seems always there
her fingers in my hair,
the smile on her face
and that amazing look in her eyes when she looks at me being silly with our son

now emptiness and loneliness
hit me hard,
while her scent is still in the sheets,
when I find blue little notes like EVERYWHERE!!
notes that tell me
how much she loves me,
how soon were going to be together,
how true our love is,
and how lucky we are to "have" each other

And I feel lucky and amazingly happy
with someone who loves me the way she does
and still I want more
more in being together
under one roof, waking up together
every morning not 5 weeks a year

I feel lucky,
and still I cry..................