A life changing expierence.....

for some reason I was thinking today
about my most embarrassing moment ever,
and I went
back to middle school 12 years old, at Dutch class
the teacher said, if there is anything you don't understand
or a word that you don't know, raise you're hand and ask me..........I did, man how I did............

so one of the students hit off with what ever it was that was written
and we stumbled upon a word that I, little miss naive, didn't know,
so really fanatic I raised my hand and as soon as the teacher told me
to tell him what it was I didn't understand I blurred out;..........MASTURBATION!
what does the word Masturbation means...................

I looked around me right away course I heard some popular kids,
smirk and laughing out loud, even the teacher had a fade smile on his face,
I felt my face turning red and my temples slamming the inside of my head
with full power, and the thought that I must have asked something really stupid,
but till that moment I still didn't know what I've asked.
As I looked around the classroom, slowly lowering my hand and feeling stupid,
the teacher said; sexual self satisfaction................before he even finished the last
word I felt my heart drop!! being naive and with an innocent smile, I tried to
put all my charms in to not just die right there..............
My heart was pumping faster than ever, and all I could say was; oh..........
I could feel my hands turning moist and I didn't feel so good to my stomach,
I faced my book laying on the desk and tried to disappear in thin air..........it didn't work

the rest of middle school,
I've never asked another word I didn't knew again, I looked it up in my dictionary
once I was home, never wanted to die of embarrassment in a class room again.
but amazingly I never got it back through classmates, I've never been teased with it.
and when I got home from school that day and my mom asked me how my day was, all I said was, I learned about masturbation today.............................

come on in..........

hm mm several times I opened up a new sheet
figuring out how to write a new blog
for some reason inspiration has left
thoughts are at ease or the same all the time
today it's 9/11 wow still when I see those planes
disappearing into those towers
my heart skips a beat

and here is another winter time
coming around the corner
Fall is leading winter in to our country
slowly leafs are turning into they're dying colors
dying colors but full of life

evening already shorter
cats back purring on my lap
winds haunting the house
candles are lite

winter come on in...................

Please god?

going through pictures
smiles and love
it sometimes really hurts
to watch the pictures and see how
happy we are together once together
we both feel like its not going to be long any more
being apart, with 5000 miles in between
hating the distance, the different timezones
the missing and the crying.

we started over.
a new life for the both of us
working harder to be together
more focused on what we really want
how we are going to do it
planning, talking, writing planning begging all over again

it seem so unfair, creating a love that cannot be shared.......... (Melissa Etheridge song)
we still share our love
working hard for the money to be able to
see each other with Xmas, in summer
but truly i just want to share
all seasons in my baby's arms

watching leaves fall
seeing summer sunsets
walking through fresh fallen snow
be amazed over the first flowers coming through

we want it all. dreaming is the only thing
that keeps us going, along with the strong love we have
knowing, convinced found the one,
that one you want to spend rest of your life with
your soul mate
the love of you're life
they say you only meet that person once in you're life
then why can't we share the rest of it together yet?

I want to start the rest of our lives now
please god?