just some thoughts..............

I am not in the mood any more to start a blog about the subject I was thinking about

when I drove home from work today.

I wrote a long blog that I don't want to share with the world today

that only happens once in a while.

I called it Scared Heart, but I really don't want to talk about it.



I want to write stuff down but don't know where to begin.

I am wondering if any one will understand my rambling

or even read my blog any more. I am wondering how many

people think my blog is making them understand.

How hard it is, to love some one that you can't be with yet.

it's awesome that the Internet makes the world so much smaller



but it's still damn big to me, when I feel like this

and I can't feel save, I can't get comfort and warmth

It still feels huge when you want to talk to the one you love

and you can't and man, is it a long walk over there.

I wish the Universe listened

The Universe Listened - Melissa Etheridge

We do our best
We stay in step
As time goes marching by
There's something wrong
We don't start living
Until we almost die
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listens

Well I was born
With a silver thorn
On a Midwest rose
I found out fast
Love is last
And it comes and goes
I made a deal
Hearts to steal
They will know my name
I'll pay the price, any price
Just give me the fame
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
The universe listened

A perfect song
My love is wrong
So I ache the dark
A hero's close
The story goes on
But I hate the part
I chose to fault
Destroy it all
But I will rise again
I believe in love
Please send me love
And I will try again
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened

Rue the dark
Cue my heart
Make my body whole
I found my angels
Found my spirit
Yes, I found my soul
Teach me how
Show me now
This light has taken me
I'm not ashamed
Help me explain
This awakening
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the universe listened
Oh, yeah

Letter to my lover

hey there sweetheart!

today was another sunday without you, but were getting closer. We also know when it does, it's getting harder somehow to be without each other. Holland had a crisp and cold sunday behind. the sky was as blue as your amazing eyes and the sun greeted me as your smile! And it was cold burrrr very cold, but I woke in the warmth of your hands and your love wrapped as a warming blanket around me.


waking up to silence, and a cold house with your love spinning my head making me dizzy and smiling.
you make me more happy then i could ever imagine, just knowing you love me is keeping my heart warm, my face smile, my head spin, my body tingle.
even tho were far a part, seas need to be crossed to be together we feel together and far away all at the same time, on the same day.
Not every day is a good day, not every moment a good moment, but we can still love and laugh fight and argue, make faces, and blow kisses to each other even tho not together.

together at heart baby, and as I tell you and everybody who wants to know.
YOU ARE THE ONE! the one I spend rest of my life with, the one that i will grow old with,
the one that I am loving, and honoring, in sicknes and in health for good and for bad till death do us part and beyond. Cuz with you I also feel, like Melissa knows how to put it, I've loved you before, and I do now, and going to do it again and again and again.

now stepping in a cold bed, with you in my ear, and a smile on my face feeling loved.
I love you! and this paper will hold my promise to you,
we will be together soon, cuz nothing can keep us from being together.
Not seas, nor president, nor laws, nor parents or papers..............

I love you now and beyond.........

You've got mail..........

I got some amazing E-mails from my Angel
the last couple of days, really wanted to send this
one out to the world.................

Hey gorgeous – Do you know how much I love you? Do you know that you are my everything? Do you realize how happy you make me? Do you realize that I cant live without you? Do you know how lucky I am to have you in my life?


I just want you to know that I do not take what you do for us for granted and that I thank God everyday for you! I love you so much! You are so awesome! I don’t know what I would do without you!!

screaming heart

Being tough all day,
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind,
giving me the twinkle in my eye

no one sees my hidden cries,
my tears that flow in the dark
my screaming heart of loneliness
my empty arms, tired from not holding anything

appeared rested and at ease
settled with the fact, my angel and I aren't together yet
words of hope and believe, those are true, no doubts
but at night, when I come home in a cold dark house
that doesn't even feel like home any more
my heart screams so hard it's deafening
and still no one hears it,

after a rough day, there is no time
no time to cry in the arms of the one I love
no room, to snuggle up with the one I love most
I cry my tears in silence, till my eyes are swollen
and my troth is sore of holding back

being tough all day
when people ask me about
how I am doing it, and how I hang in there,
with a smile on my face,
and an Angel on my mind
carrying the twinkle in my eye....

Screaming Butterflies

heavy weight is pushing down my chest
it feels really tight
My heart is happy tho
I am sleepy it's late
my mouth is smiling
my eyes filled with tears
My fingers writing my mind
with her,
no sense, no sense at all
hard to describe when you
miss someone so much
that it hurts

can any one imagine?
that pain? the emptiness you feel,
and still feel lucky, cuz I am loved?
at least I have some one that loves me,
as I love her, not every one does
I found the one, THE ONE!
pain, despair, hurt, tears
joy, loved, butterflies, confusion

my mind is tired and not thinking straight
my fingers want to write to get my mind at ease
my soul screams, my mouth is silence
my eyes are closing but fighting to see
my chest is breathing but tight
my stomach still got butterflies.........

I am fine, I am Loved

I realized today how I have mentally grown
I am fine, I am loved!
the last couple of years,
one of my fears was to be alone,
not alone at the house, but alone in love,
alone in doing stuff.

Mother nature fixed that, she made me fall
in love with my Angel who is 5000 miles away from me
I am alone when I come out of work
A loving sweet purring kitty is rubbing my leg
for attention, food and love.

I go to bed alone,
waiting in the dark,
staring and thinking
till the phone rings
and my Angels sweet voice
brings light in a blinded room.

I wake up alone,
with a long slender furry body,
purring next to me
who is squeezing his eyes,
and yawning when I turn on the light and my radio warns me its time to get up
disappointed that I disturb his comfort
I stretch and reach into my nightstand drawer
to get out my cellphone,
a message from my Angel,
every morning,
to wake up with a smile.

I shower alone,
let the warm water run my body
close my eyes and imagine,
that the warmth I feel
are the sweet little soft hands of my baby

I make breakfast and lunch to go,
feed my kitties,
get a grateful head bump
as my thank you kiss and leave for work alone
I'm physical alone, although I have my kitties,
but my biggest fear, my real demon, I defeated
I am not alone, I am not an Island
I am fine, I am loved

Morning headache, lawfully be wed..........

Hoping praying,
I got a good feeling about this
the Lottery stuff it was time for it again
to take a chance to get a green card
so I can stay with the one I love

I want it to be time
to leave the morning headaches behind
and wake with a soft warm hand on my skin
to wake up and see the amazing clear bright blue eyes of my angel,
instead of the dead brown ones of my stuffed animal

to kiss the morning a warm welcome even when it's freezing outside.
to feel her warm little feet snuggling in between mine
It's time to convince the government of our love
and that we want to be lawfully wedded
And spent the rest of our lives together

and have all the little joys that seems to be so normal
for people who are together but so special for the ones
that can't be together yet. I say YET course I can't give up
the hope!
My heart is with her, my brain is with her,
my dreams are with her.
it's time for the morning headaches to be gone............

Bring it on................

When you try to start a new
it's like past tries to catch up on you.
My angel and me, we both started second jobs
to come by easier and already kinda build on our
future together even still a part.

Even tho, i defeated all my demons in the past
some, for whatever reason, finds it amusing to
pop up once in a while. My biggest demon found me
after 3 years of silence, to notice I have changed.

another demon, so called friend from UK, i confronted with her actions,
in a place I use to go. Some people weren't charmed of the way
how I confronted her with her lies, but I got it out, and sent her
some demons to live with. Not my worry any more.
felt mistreated and I fixed it its now done and over with.

It feels so good, being so sure in life, feeling secure in love,
making me a stronger woman, and fearless to face my demons
if they decide to hunt me down, all I can say, is show me what you got!
and bring it on. course the love of my Angel makes me brave,
the sun in my heart makes me strong, and our love makes me fearless
this Leo is roarrrrrrrrrrrrring again.............................

A life changing expierence.....

for some reason I was thinking today
about my most embarrassing moment ever,
and I went
back to middle school 12 years old, at Dutch class
the teacher said, if there is anything you don't understand
or a word that you don't know, raise you're hand and ask me..........I did, man how I did............

so one of the students hit off with what ever it was that was written
and we stumbled upon a word that I, little miss naive, didn't know,
so really fanatic I raised my hand and as soon as the teacher told me
to tell him what it was I didn't understand I blurred out;..........MASTURBATION!
what does the word Masturbation means...................

I looked around me right away course I heard some popular kids,
smirk and laughing out loud, even the teacher had a fade smile on his face,
I felt my face turning red and my temples slamming the inside of my head
with full power, and the thought that I must have asked something really stupid,
but till that moment I still didn't know what I've asked.
As I looked around the classroom, slowly lowering my hand and feeling stupid,
the teacher said; sexual self satisfaction................before he even finished the last
word I felt my heart drop!! being naive and with an innocent smile, I tried to
put all my charms in to not just die right there..............
My heart was pumping faster than ever, and all I could say was; oh..........
I could feel my hands turning moist and I didn't feel so good to my stomach,
I faced my book laying on the desk and tried to disappear in thin air..........it didn't work

the rest of middle school,
I've never asked another word I didn't knew again, I looked it up in my dictionary
once I was home, never wanted to die of embarrassment in a class room again.
but amazingly I never got it back through classmates, I've never been teased with it.
and when I got home from school that day and my mom asked me how my day was, all I said was, I learned about masturbation today.............................

come on in..........

hm mm several times I opened up a new sheet
figuring out how to write a new blog
for some reason inspiration has left
thoughts are at ease or the same all the time
today it's 9/11 wow still when I see those planes
disappearing into those towers
my heart skips a beat

and here is another winter time
coming around the corner
Fall is leading winter in to our country
slowly leafs are turning into they're dying colors
dying colors but full of life

evening already shorter
cats back purring on my lap
winds haunting the house
candles are lite

winter come on in...................

Please god?

going through pictures
smiles and love
it sometimes really hurts
to watch the pictures and see how
happy we are together once together
we both feel like its not going to be long any more
being apart, with 5000 miles in between
hating the distance, the different timezones
the missing and the crying.

we started over.
a new life for the both of us
working harder to be together
more focused on what we really want
how we are going to do it
planning, talking, writing planning begging all over again

it seem so unfair, creating a love that cannot be shared.......... (Melissa Etheridge song)
we still share our love
working hard for the money to be able to
see each other with Xmas, in summer
but truly i just want to share
all seasons in my baby's arms

watching leaves fall
seeing summer sunsets
walking through fresh fallen snow
be amazed over the first flowers coming through

we want it all. dreaming is the only thing
that keeps us going, along with the strong love we have
knowing, convinced found the one,
that one you want to spend rest of your life with
your soul mate
the love of you're life
they say you only meet that person once in you're life
then why can't we share the rest of it together yet?

I want to start the rest of our lives now
please god?

Tears

pain, tears, missing


sounds broken heart.


missing more, more tears, more pain

feeling helpless, feeling blue

crying..........

watching pictures, see her smile

warming me from the inside out

longing for her voice, it's late,

stretching cat, glaring eyes,

turning of light,

tears....................

Big dreams, big city, little sleep

Big dreams keeping me up
instead of taking me away
on a big comfy cloud,
it's keeping me up,
making me toss and turn.

the possibility to move
is here, not to the states
but the the east of my country
out of the city
the house is there, a friends
that is willing to let us move in
so why not go already
and get it ready

afraid, no one there I know
except that one friend
but it's a chance to start a new
sigh what to do?
will life be better there?
more jobs maybe?

a bigger house for sure
with a back yard
in a nice new neighbourhood
fresh air, out of the city,
will I still be dutchcitygirl?
or will I become dutchfarmgirl
formally knows as dutchcitygirl.

my cats will have a better life there
more room for Dakota(our dog) to come over
from the states.
more room, but what do I need more rooms for
as long as I am by myself?

further away from my family,(read brother and his wife and kids)
will it be easier?
will I be brave enough?
to just do it?
It's keeping me up...........

I need to sleep it over for a night......
but wasn't that the problem to begin with?

An I love you email.

written by my baby at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:11:21 -0700 (PDT)

sit here wondering when the day will come. will it be tomorrow?
The next day but I hope the day we dream of is here soon!
I feel so bad that I am not always able to show you everyday how much I love you!
I know you feel it when we are together and I hate the pain you have when are not together! We always talk about that mystical day I just wish so much that the day was today!
I am happy that we have a past, present and future.
I just wish I could tell you a day and give you light to focus on.


written by me at Thu, 23 Aug 2007 11:21:11 -0700 (PDT)

baby you're so sweet, but you know what? YOU are the light that I focus on!
You are the one that keeps me going.
I don't need a date for knowing how much we love each other.
I want to see you every day, but I don't need to, to know that you love me!
I know how much you love me. Your love is traveling 5000 miles every day to get to me!
You know how strong love has to be to do that?
I wish we were together too, don't get me wrong. But I feel your love, every day! As long as we keep faith, and believe and know that, that day will come, it will be soon.

thank you for loving me,

always yours.

to hold her again

She is again 5000 miles away
when I woke in the morning
and reached out for her,
she was gone
my brain was waking up
and realized that she has gone back.

I miss her. already.
my body response to missing her
is getting sick
so instead of waking with my sweetheart
I woke up with two tennis balls
in my neck, and no voice.........

while swallowing feels like eating razorblades
has my chin disappeared into my swollen neck
with a fever, and sweating so much that I have to
change shirts every two hours

so not just my heart is homesick to her
my body is also
we started the countdown again
121 days left to hold her again........

Lucky

it flew by
3 weeks of passion
love, fun, laughter
safety,confidence
friendship, motherhood
tickle fights, passionate nights
giggles, looks and LOVE
Love with a capital L

Oh my god, I am so completely in
LLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
with this woman

she is my world,
I know there are other couples
who probably feel this connection
for me it's the first time
she really makes my heart jump of Joy like I NEVER felt before.

these last 3 weeks were amazing.
we traveled this little country almost
from top to bottom by train........

now I miss her touch,
her soft lips on mine
her hand on my back that seems always there
her fingers in my hair,
the smile on her face
and that amazing look in her eyes when she looks at me being silly with our son

now emptiness and loneliness
hit me hard,
while her scent is still in the sheets,
when I find blue little notes like EVERYWHERE!!
notes that tell me
how much she loves me,
how soon were going to be together,
how true our love is,
and how lucky we are to "have" each other

And I feel lucky and amazingly happy
with someone who loves me the way she does
and still I want more
more in being together
under one roof, waking up together
every morning not 5 weeks a year

I feel lucky,
and still I cry..................

27 july 2007 00.00 AM

30 hours
30 minutes
and 30 seconds...................

Drifting mind.......fingers in dirt

Some time off
happy that I do
when I closed the door
at work today
I felt freedom

I look at my rain drowned
little back yard
and feel so sorry
that I wasn't able
to save my plants from
horrible drowning death

the only one i could save
was my sunflower
and it's growing over my head
I love to dig my fingers in dirt
and create new life in my own little way

but well I am drifting with my mind
but hey, that's fine, I have time off yay
my baby is coming home with our son.
my flowers need to be saved and new one to be planted

visit and do some fun stuff
and enjoy being together as a family
that joy is way bigger as the sunflower
brings me
but they still both bring me sunshine
just one more than the other

but I've learned
to enjoy the small
appreciate the smallest
and live the biggest

My old friend

(basic lyrics tim Mcgraw,my Old Friend)

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
They're woven in the stories I have told
And tell again
My old friend,

I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why,
don't know why
Don't know why,
don't know why

My old friend,
this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you are here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend


My old friend, my old friend

Ghosts from the past.

For some reason
I went to that place
thought i would have
some fun and distraction

don't understand
how i could ever
be addicted to that place
that chat room

when I look back
I don't see myself
I see a lost, lonely young woman
vulnerable for any attention

today I went back
and in the beginning it was good
it was nice to talk
to some old friends
and proud as I am
I got my power tattooed
on my back

I wanted to share
so I sent the pic
to an old friend
and she made a comment
that shocked me

a ghost from the past
rushed back into my life
it upset me
like a bat swung at my head

a different life
another me,
confronted me with who I was

I called my honey
and told her what happened
she kept me save
restored what ever damage was done
told me she loves me
and slammed the door
for the ghost from the past

she is the one..............

Life List

I was watching some
old shows of Ellen
although they're never
broad casted before in
Holland so for the Dutch's
they're new shows

and she keeps talking
about making this life list
and I gave it some thought
and It's kinda fun,
to put everything you want
to do in you're life on paper

and make it visual
so here is the beginning
of my life list
someday I will complete it
and put it out here
for the world to see
but I've started it

1. Move to the USA to be with my baby and our son under one roof.

2. make 4 to 6 week a coast to coast trip with my baby and our son from California to New York city by car,RV or truck

3. Visit South Africa (and go to chimp rescue)

4. Meet Melissa Etheridge face to face

5. visit Mexico (Guatemala or/and Honduras)

6. visit Bonaire

well I guess I got some stuff to work to for a while huh?

One Love

counting days
to pass by
happy when one is over
getting closer

to be in each other arms
feel skin
kisses and soft lips
playing tongues

sparkling eyes
racing heartbeats
big smiles

joy full days
passionate nights
lots of laughter
comfortable silences

kid giggle
tickle fights
sticky fingers
pile of toys
screaming cars

my family
home, one roof
one family
one home
one love......

Live Earth Melissa Etheridge 7/7/07

Live Earth 7/7/07
wow.......

I watched it all
from 9 am kick off with the
concert in Sydney
till 3 am closing up in New York city

the act that i was waiting for
finally Melissa was getting to
the stage

and man was I in shock
she looked awesome
her eyes had the sparkle
but man! her hair, the jacket
and the purple shirt........

what was she thinking?(or Tammy)
How much I like Tammy and Melissa
I really think they made a bad judgement
on Melissa's outfit this time!

I know I shouldn't care about her appearance
I love her regardless and I do
I am just used to better I guess

her hair kinda yellowish pinkish
a purple shirt
with a army green jacket...........

like I said the sparkle was there
and the fact she gained some weight,
I love that about Melissa she looks better
If she is a bit more full

I was happy to see her
and it was worth the wait.........
but Melissa.......please don't do the purple any more......

You Rock!!! grin

07/07/07

what a date........

and so much going on.......

finally the world is getting shak'n

and humanity is awaking...........

Tossing and turning on the night train

you know how thoughts can keep you up
out of your rest, your dreams your sleep
how old memories haunt you
and keep digging your mind
when you can finally lay your head to rest?

old memories that keeps you wondering
about why? and how?
how you feel conspiracy developed around you
and you couldn't see?

how little pieces of puzzles
finally come together and you can
convince yourself that it was all planned out?

how things happens at work
a lack of respect and it keeps
bugging you into the night?
how you think things over
and trying to make a script in your head
how you can handle it?

while your body is basically screaming
for sleep
and your mind makes it toss and turn
how you finally get a peace of mind
to write it all down

and your body sighs of relief
your eyes close themselves
cuz they don't find light anymore

how your soul hurts in need
and your brain keeps pounding.
that's what is going on with me
right now.
trying to put my mind at peace
by writing down and let my fingers
hit the keys, without thinking to get it out.

my head is screaming for darkness
my body is hurting
I am going to sleep.

Second hand rose

it's funny how people get frustrated
about buying stuff over the Internet.
I, myself sell some things on the
dutch what we call marketplace

in emails i get questions as
how much is shipping?
when do i get it?
its like running an actual store
check every day for new emails or bids

and stay as anonymous as i can
not giving any phone number or address
when people are happy they're nice
when they're not they can get pretty ugly

I hide behind my computer
and laugh my ass off
when I buy something for like $10
and I sell it within two weeks for $50

people have no idea whats going on
to me its something to keep me busy
till my family gets home
other than work, sleep, eat and work some more

by now i feel like a second hand rose,
i think that's how i am going to call my
Internet store "second hand rose"

a wandering mind

the night is falling
summer is on it's way
the rain keeps her out
but she is trying to get here

i feel the sheets on my skin
the darkness around me
and my thoughts are keeping
me up

mind is wandering off
into happiness and love
worries of the world
running around on my dusty attic

weight and health
how to chance
how to give
and how to receive?

just to be with the one I love
the one who is holding my heart
into her loving grip
squeezing it thight to
even love it more
to never let go.

wandering minds
running into the darkness
of the night

Summer is late..........

Summer has started
but is nowhere to be found
rain keeps falling down
soaking the earth

I am longing for that feeling
sand between my toes
from the beach
my torn jeans showing
my tanned skin underneath

my tanned face holding a smile
and sun bleached hair
my eyes summer sky blue
from soaking up sunlight all day

a white loose button down blouse
touching my sun tanned skin and
feeling comfortable on my body
my feet bare touching earth and feeling connected

my heart happy and full of joy
soaking up the sunlight energy
of summer...........it's here in date
but summer is late.........

empty spot.

So 40 days to go,
or actually it's 39 already
I just saw the time moving
to midnight
I feel seconds slide,
minutes breathing
and hours sigh

days pass,
and were counting down
our son finally got his passport
meaning our family is going to be complete
this summer.

the night wrapping me
in it's warm save cool blanket
seconds slide
minutes breathing
hours sigh

sliding my mind and being
into another lonely night
missing the warm body
just an empty spot.

Frustrated countdown...........

today was hard,
it was a long lonesome day
and I stayed up late
to be with my baby,
I got cut off short
cuz she got frustrated
with life, people, and her truck.

I do understand
her frustration
but I can't sleep
because of it
I have to get up
in 6 hours again

we miss each other
all we have is the damn phone
to at least hear each others sweet voice
and even tho the day is getting closer
frustration grows.........and grows

with no one to take it out on
except each other
so what happens...........
you re happy to hear each other
and then the frustration gets out.........

Tammy's Blog

I don't know if i can reach as many people, but it's sure worth a try, I borrowed Tammy's blog, to bring the message out further into the world. and hope for more, millions of postcards and emails.....................

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

millions de nile
breathing, i try to take in the day. the birth of a love, she is 46 today, and we've been together for over 6 years. that's a lot of breathing we've spent together, but a fraction of what is to come, i'm sure. i'm sure our bodies' rhythms are pumping in unison now, our breath, our heart rate, our hopes and dreams... we braid our lives into one palace of magic. our children fill the rooms with laughter, and reason to seek answers. their innocence gives me strength for the monsters. i can no longer live the way i used to live. i can't watch the news- that world being trashed is my children's future. when a drowning mother hands her infant off to a man in the boat, as the waters swallow her- i can't see those photos anymore. the mother is my sister, the child my child. i bleed all the way through life now. right now, i am so forlorn over the lack of consideration for human life. dancing with the stars, singing with the stars, idolizing with the stars, moving with the stars, gawking at the stars, blogging with the stars, vote for your favorite star... millions of people make a river in egypt: de nile. denial. denial has to have some sort of saving grace on my soul. denial gives me a false hope that carries me through the night while i sleep, and allows me to raise my children without needing to march anywhere or write to anyone or put a big ugly fight with the bullies of the world: the american government. fuck, i know what would happen to me if i spoke out more than i do... i'd be called a "washed-up, wannabe, muff-diving, ugly, abomination, stupid, fat, lezzbo BITCH who should go back to following MLE around like a puppy dog, and leave the big thoughts to those with balls that don't get placed in the night stand drawer."so here i am. me and my blog, and a pile of laundry and some dirty diapers, and chicken pox. and nary a postcard or a picket sign in sight. i'm still thinking about post cards. sending a shitload to somewhere, with one word on it: IMPEACH. who do we send it to? where is ken lay when you need him? if only condi would blow bush... well... there are rumors.... about the bush part, i mean. which bush, hmm...someone get me a prozac. this is so depressing. without denial, would i let the frustration of it all bubble to the top? would the sadness wash over me like watered down syrup, drowning me on my stack of flat wishes. does denial make it possible for me to get up each morning, and concentrate on what fruits and veggies my kids need to eat? does denial allow me space in my mind to save myself from more years of anxiety attacks? denial saved my ass growing up: if you don't know your mother is crazy, then you don't think "I'm raised by a crazy!" you think, "i'm raised by a colorful gal!" if i step out of my safe denial, my feelings might come up. i might get angry- and have no place to put it. (hello, sweet cindy sheehan) i might feel desperate and reach out for help- and get none (hello, conservatives). denial not only protects me from having to make a move regarding that criminal activity in the white house, but it also allows me to just be a mommy. to just let my dreams come true, let the reality of my hopes fading into truth be my point for living... granted, this world might not be here for my grandchildren... but isn't that one more reason to run away from the fact that the most powerful man in the world is an ass puppet for gold and hate mongers. ass puppet. i wish i could say that to his face. i wish i could run into him in the back room of a smokey bar. i don't know if i'd beat the shit out of him.... or knock him over the head, strip him naked, dress him up as a troop, and send him into iraq. i'm afraid, very afraid. but i'm boogeyman afraid- i don't even know what i fear. i just know i fear something. and i am mostly afraid that i fear my government.and if i step out of denial, what the hell do i do with that? if i open my eyes to find dad(bush) molesting the family(raping us of our faith, trust, patriotism), who do i go to for help? there is no mother- cheney is merely the uncle who molests the neighbor kids (WMD anyone?). do i run to get help and take the beating from the angrily quiet victims.... or do i close my eyes and go back to sleep, hoping i don't feel him this time? cuz if i don't see it, i might not feel it. and if i don't feel it, i don't have to acknowledge it's there. i don't have to accept my vulnerabilty. if i just keep denial wrapped around me, like a cashmere blanket, warm from the dryer even... i don't have to do anything different. i can just curl up with my woobie, read with blind eyes, listen with deaf ears, and don't question.... and life will be soft and safe and no one will headline my name with the word "BBBIIITTTCCCHHHHHH". why am i ready to let my life bleed dry before i am ready to put on some boots and do something?postcards. i wonder if it would do more to send the post cards to the white house or to nancy pelosi? i bet if i mailed a shitload of postcards to nancy... and the other folk who work with her... i bet there'd be something- if nothing else, at least a BLOG about the effort right? i can write a postcard. i can get a stamp. i can do this. i can buy 100 postcards, i can buy 100 stamps. i can mail one postcard a week, or one a day.... i can send them, tell my friends to send them, tell anyone to send them... millions.... a deluge of IMPEACH IMPEACH IMPEACHi think nancy would listen. i do. i just looked up her contact info, and i'm going to use it. i think i'll email her and send postcards. emailing is quick, and cheap. postcards scream "I'm not effing kidding here". so i'll do both. on the postcard, i shall write only "IMPEACH"... and in my emails, the subject will read "IMPEACH" and inside it shall only read, "BUSH". i hope she understands these two go together... not that i want to impeach someone, AND make everyone a lezbo, but rather, "IMPEACH BUSH" is the entirety of the message. i can't sit around slack-jawed at the incest and rape happening to our souls anymore, or i will need to start taking partial credit as to why our state is in such disarray. right? postcards and emails. i might be the only one doing it, but dammit... one by one is better than none by none. hm... if my 1000 "impeach" postcards and emails get him out of office... well, rootbeer floats all around!let's just see what happens. i'm going to believe this will work. believe it, know it, is is.

DC Address: The Honorable Nancy Pelosi
United States House of Representatives235
Cannon House Office BuildingWashington,
D.C. 20515-0508

Email Address: sf.nancy@mail.house.gov

impeach impeach impeach impeach impeach

impeach
go go go go go go
go sisters go brothers
go go go go go go go !!!!!!!!!

right?
posted by Tammy, midwestern girl 29.5.07

May month of hope..........

Finally its May,
May is the month of
green cards and hope.

of festivals and parties
but most of all
keeping my eye
on my mailbox
to see if the USA
government wants me
to be a citizen of a visitor.

did I pass??

can I start the rest of my life?
every day I come home
my heart dropped
scared to check the mailbox
scared of IT not being there

every day finding hope
I don't care where I live
I just want to be with her!
be happy and loved
protect her, talk to her
and help her, live with her

now at times i feel lost
and losing
confused, and lonely
misunderstood and alienated

not home in this country
not home in that country yet......
my heart is over there
my body is over here
restless...........

loved but lonely

changing, lots of changes
it feels weird,
close but apart
scaring me,
hurting me
trying to keep faith
holding on to love
missing, lonely, counting days
drifting, confused, scared,
loved but lonely

94 days to go..............

again it's been a while,
it's getting old to start with that
I know
people are reading me more lately
not that I am a loner
but I feel more lonely, lately
and I guess it's starting to show

wake up in the middle of the night
more often cause I don't feel safe
turning and tossing in my sleep
to find a solution to be together
and feel safe and secure again

the wanting, and needing is so deep
I can hardly hide it
I guess it shows.................
94 days to go............

Shallow people

It keeps surprising me
how people think they know
people without really knowing
who they are
and what their background is
and how they became
who they are today.

I am thinking about myself
why I am a loner,
why I don't let people in
any more,
Why I am vulnerable.

And why I am loving
and have so much love to give.
why I don't care about
what people look like, or what color
their skin is, or what background they
come from

I have been raised with all those
differences
seven different nationalities in our family
but no love,
No understanding, no hugs and kisses
always smiling faces,
hidden behind masks
never showing the real you
cause you will get hurt


A bigger house, a better job,
less weight, longer hair, brighter eyes,
suntanned skin, whither teeth,
Nice's clothes, bigger car,
diamond ring..........never good enough

it learned me, I try never to judge
and never show my own pain,
hide the damage
show the shell
shallow people

A Guardian Angel.

An escape from death
I call it
My honey had a fire
going on in the garage
when everyone was sleeping

An Angel must have been watching
over them and kept them save
It was a close call
full tanks of gas
and a lot of stuff easy to catch on fire close

the garage is all black
and a lot of stuff damaged or melted
the back of the car
melted away but the fire didn't hit the gas tank
the whole house would have been
blown away

everyone is save
thank god, thank you Angel!!
for keeping my family save
and put out the fire while everyone was sleeping!

Love is never wrong............

Looking forward
counting days
to when I can hold
my Honey in my arms
again

something wrong
something bad,
first time it was
family that tried
to keep us apart

that was solved
after meeting with me
finding out that I am
really a good person

something wrong
something bad
second time
it was boss being
the bad guy keeping
us apart, we trade places
I came over, instead of honey
and son, they didn't hold us back

something good
something bad,
now paperwork is trying
to hold us apart from each other again
its wearing me out

tension, uncertainty
if this time my honey and son
will be home in summer
passport is hard to get
course they decided to change
the rules, right under our noses

why is family, bosses, government
trying to keep us apart
don't they know, we only
fight harder, faster and meaner
to be together

don't they know
Love is never wrong?

Time........

An hour forward
an hour back,
time is stolen from us
and we're not getting it back

daylight saving starts today
in Europe
Bush made the USA start
3 weeks ago
and now they take it back
the hour we had extra
to spend with each other

never time
so much time difference
I go to bed when my honey
is getting ready with dinner
in the middle of the night
for me like 3 am in the morning
is only 8 pm for her

loving, missing, crying, begging
laughing, needing, wanting
wondering why there is never
enough time for us
why there isn't an easy simple
and working solution for us to
be together

struggling timezone to timezone
and now 2 years later
there is still no time
no time to spend with each other
phone call to phone call
timezone to timezone
country to country
time................

Full head, empty bucket

I want to write
course i don't do it
as often as i should
but my mind can't find
the words and my fingers refuse
it's weird how at times
your head can be full of
things that didn't seemed
important in an earlier stage
of you're life
while they're keeping you busy now

I worry about so many things
the environment
I do that a while, I do as many as
one person can do
ride my bike everyday
separate garbage,
watch electrics, gas and water

I worry about my health
little pains that don't seem to
go away, but also don't bother you
all day.

violence around you and then
when this lady cut me off
while I was riding my bike
I gave her the finger and when she
stopped and yelled at me
I told her I would punch her in the
face if she wouldn't leave like NOW
(I would never hit someone, never did never will)
she glared at me, and left........

My future..........
with my girl, 5000 miles away,
her health, our sons health,
his raising,her stress,
his school, her worries,
his sports, her pain,
his bedtime.......
her big heart.........forgetting about herself..........
and I am not there........
not there to take care of it all......

I wish sometimes
I could poor out my head
as a bucket,
empty it, so good new things,
love, and opportunities can fill it up again
full head, empty bucket.........

my first time........

It was my first time
never done it before
I was really nervous at first
it got better once i got there
i had my first session
with a psychologist

Nothing bad,
just need to get some stuff
that had a huge impact on my life
off my chest
to heavy to carry
to much load to bare

Of course my parents
where under fire
and it strikes me how weird
I think my folks are.
Like today I called them
told them I went in for the first time
and all they said was " oh"

that was it "oh"
what can I make of that?
not a how did it go?
or are you OK?
what did you talk about?
just "oh"

I am going to try that with them
sometime just "oh"
I am bad like that,
I want their response on
the crap the pull with "oh"

but I'm growing
back to who I was
I have a wonderful woman
by my side
she is making me stronger
than I've ever been.

she is restoring my faith
in people again
believing in love and understanding
trusting on the will of you're own good heart

I have a long road to go
been beaten up and betrayed too
many times
by so called friends, lying in my face
using me for their own good

I was dumb, stupid and ignorant
I am a stronger woman now
independent and loving
a one woman woman
and in love than never before

thank you angel, for believing, loving,
trusting and standing by me all the way.

Oscar Kiss

I am stunned,
how people worry about
kissing you're partner,
your wife after winning
an Oscar for god sake!

Gay, straight does it
really matter?
You win the prize of prizes
you jump up and kiss you're
Lesbian lover BIG DEAL!

You're out, be out!
I don't mean make out
in front of thousands of people
and play the tongue
but man, a kiss, a loving
happy, excited, and thrilled kiss
what DO YOU WORRY ABOUT?

I mean Melissa Etheridge
she is my big example
in music, life, and life style,
the way she goes with people
and hypnotise her audience
you HAVE TO HAVE a good heart
to do it like that.

but being agonized
whether to kiss the woman
you choose to spend you're life with
or not
at a big thing like the OSCARS!
man, it's the ultimate thing
to show the world
being gay is love
for better for worse

so what if millions, billions
people can see you kissing the
woman you love?
I just sigh and shake my head
be out, be proud.

Love, peace and understanding.............

On my way back

*Sigh*

It's been a while
since I've "blogged"
I am getting back
on my feet again
slowly but surely

the missing got to bad
it ripped my heart apart
we both feel it
and my body couldn't
handle the pain anymore
and it was threatening to
just shut down

So I called it a day
work, friends, family
everybody OUT!!
just me and my sweetheart
talking for hours
far beyond midnight

on the phone
crying...............

On my way back now
one step at the time

It will be me

(written by Melissa Etheridge)

If you hear a voice
in the middle of the night
saying it will be alright
it will be me

If you feel a hand
guiding you along
when the path seems wrong
it will be me

there is no mountain
that I can't climb
for you I'd swim through
the rivers of time
as you go you're way
and I go mine
a light will shine
and it will be me

if there is a key
that goes to your heart
a special part
it will be me

If you need a friend
call out to the wind
to hold you again
it will be me

oh how the world
seem so unfair
creating a love
that can not be shared
as you go your way
and I go mine
a light will shine
and it will be me


I see ever after
there is a place for two
in your tears of laughter
I'll be there for you

the sun and the moon
the land and the sea
look all around you
it will be me

there is no mountain
that I can't climb
for you I'd swim through
the rivers of time
as you go you're way
and I go mine
a light will shine
it will be me
it will be me
it will be me..........................

here but not here

My head is empty
my mind is gone,
not dreaming not aware
here, but not here

my body is working
functioning as expected
my mouth is smiling
as "they" ask

my head is empty
my mind is gone
my heart is full of love
my spirit is gone

not here, but there
in mind, heart and soul
just the body is here
can't function as I should

I feel like I' am not alive
right now, I feel empty,
tired, lonely and misunderstood

no one to listen, no one to cry
seven hours difference and about 5000 miles

My head is empty
my mind is gone
Not dreaming, not aware
here but not here

Hello world!

A famous lady made me think
about googling yourself
and what I did I just
googled "dutchcitygirl"
and it scared the hell out
of me
Holy Cow!

8 pages on Google
my whole life is out there!
scared the shit out of me!
what did I know!?

when I first started this blog,
I just wanted to be able
to put some thoughts out there
so my girl, on the other side of the ocean
could keep up with my thoughts without
talking
How the Fuck did I know that the whole
fricken world is lurking over my shoulder.

well that was my discovery today
so all I can say right now is " hello world"
and wave polite!

Going through my backpack!

it has been a while,
since I've blogged
but I am in a phase right now
a thinking, hurting, depressive phase
still happy in love, let's get that straight (not us)
my backpack was full, all filled up
as I call it

everything that happens to a person
is thrown into the backpack on it's back
and once in a while you need to sit down
and go through some of it in there
and give it a spot, if not you will flip over some day

that's my someday, right there!
Too much, thinking, feeling, crying, resisting,
frustration, dwelling in self pity (yes I do at times, so what)
and not enough or barely any understanding, help, hugs, or encouragement.

and then, you flip over, right on you're back
face up to the sky, and it's raining, and it keeps raining
thank god for my sunshine, (you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.........)
the past flies by, exes fly by (only the bad parts, cuz you don't want to remember the good ones)
all the pain, the sorrows and the broken hearts

all the hurts and disappointments, in parents, brothers, friends, lovers, yourself!
they all come by and add something into you're backpack
and man! I fell hard and deep!
It's time to clean up, and place it all!
so here by I say to all those who have damaged me,
hurted me, abused and used me FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!

and don't ever come knocking on my door!
cuz I am no friend, lover or anything of you anymore!
You go suck you're energy from someone else, and leave me in peace.
I make my own happiness perfectly without you bloodsuckers!
I flip the finger to all those people who used and abused me, mistreated the
goodness and naive heart.

start GIVING me something for a while, if you want to be a new friend
instead of TAKING, SUCKING, BEGGING, ASKING, NEEDING, me all the time!
It's Me, My girl, and our Son first!! In everything!
And I don't care what you think, how you feel, or what you're going through,
did you ever care for me? really loved me? just because I am me?
I don't think so, wait, I Know you don't cuz how can you abuse and mistreat
someone you love like that.

the damage hurts, it hurts bad, I don't care about the people who
did that to me anymore. But the hurt is still here and I was fighting it
resisting it, but I couldn't anymore I had to give in, it is here!
No true friends, I don't believe that anymore, they all want something,
Friends that's fine with me, just don't get too close, and don't ever tell me
true friends.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks, and I am entering a new page
a clean, white piece of paper in my life,
and a big part of that frustration will go with me, until my sunshine and me
can be together. And a piece of damaged good will come too,
that made me loving, understanding, strong and protective
that's a piece of me now.

it's true you know, you're new lover is always paying for the mistakes
of your exes. I don't want to let that happen, sometimes it just does.
I am happy with my girl, she is the love of my life,
Let the sunshine in, let the sunshine in, it's a brand new day.

my backpack feels so much right lighter now.............................

PaperHill Mountain

Crawl up on the middle
of the bed
Hide under the blankets
holding the pillow tight
squeezing you're shirt
so I can still smell you
face wet of tears
I MISS YOU!!

Frustration and anger
why aren't we together yet
disbelieve and no understanding
for the huge paper mountain
we are still waiting for but
still isn't here

No one to turn to
frustration from both sides
of the big pond
climbing high hills
falling low valleys
searching for the path
that will lead to being together

No one has the map apparently
some are holding keys
but not willing to show us
the lock that it will fit on
the darkness surrounds me
all I can hear is the beating
of my heart in pain

the voice of the woman that I love
being in pain, and loneliness
a crying heart, smothered by pride
and dignity, I want to reach out
but are blocked by politicians
by bureaucratic BS that tries to
tell me that its wrong to love and be
with the one I love

they're holding back me,
the Lion, the warrior, the fighter
They didn't win, and they never will

the big goodbye

The big goodbye is lurking
again
the tears are flowing richly like
expensive champagne
on a party with stars

the breaking of our hearts
the sound is almost deafening
the hugs are tighter
than ever

the touch more intense
the grieve sorrow and pain
cut like freshly sharpened knives

the big goodbye is lurking
for six months this time
with a little luck
it will go by
in the time of one big sigh

and with a lot of luck
it will be the last goodbye
and after this one
we will be together for ever
like true loves should be

not being separated by
almost 5000 miles
and a bunch of papers and
some grumpy old man in grey suits
who never found true love

the big goodbye is lurking
I just pray it will be the last time
and painless.