PaperHill Mountain

Crawl up on the middle
of the bed
Hide under the blankets
holding the pillow tight
squeezing you're shirt
so I can still smell you
face wet of tears
I MISS YOU!!

Frustration and anger
why aren't we together yet
disbelieve and no understanding
for the huge paper mountain
we are still waiting for but
still isn't here

No one to turn to
frustration from both sides
of the big pond
climbing high hills
falling low valleys
searching for the path
that will lead to being together

No one has the map apparently
some are holding keys
but not willing to show us
the lock that it will fit on
the darkness surrounds me
all I can hear is the beating
of my heart in pain

the voice of the woman that I love
being in pain, and loneliness
a crying heart, smothered by pride
and dignity, I want to reach out
but are blocked by politicians
by bureaucratic BS that tries to
tell me that its wrong to love and be
with the one I love

they're holding back me,
the Lion, the warrior, the fighter
They didn't win, and they never will

the big goodbye

The big goodbye is lurking
again
the tears are flowing richly like
expensive champagne
on a party with stars

the breaking of our hearts
the sound is almost deafening
the hugs are tighter
than ever

the touch more intense
the grieve sorrow and pain
cut like freshly sharpened knives

the big goodbye is lurking
for six months this time
with a little luck
it will go by
in the time of one big sigh

and with a lot of luck
it will be the last goodbye
and after this one
we will be together for ever
like true loves should be

not being separated by
almost 5000 miles
and a bunch of papers and
some grumpy old man in grey suits
who never found true love

the big goodbye is lurking
I just pray it will be the last time
and painless.

Christmas in America

Christmas in America
I can hold you in my arms
not so far away from home
someone brought me back home.............

after a long wait
and a lot of tension, tears and fears
I threw my suitcases on the plane
and left cold and wet Holland
to come home to my warm
and peace full nest in the states

People waiting for me
with open arms, smiles and laughter
with hopes and dreams and love
oh my god so much love
with presents and wises
hugs and tender loving

as soon as I walked out
of the terminal at the airport
love came my way
I feel so loved here
I feel so good, so home
so appreciated and so welcome

I wished for snow
even that worked out
we left the airport
and it started to snow
hard and heavy
it was like the entire state
was welcoming me home

Christmas in America
I need you in my arms
finally home............
finally home.....

Closing Closets....

Coming out again
not to blame anyone
and I love my Honey
more than any thing
but some things in the
States are a little more
difficult.
As is coming out.

I did it,
here close to Amsterdam
or Gay Paradise
and still it wasn't easy
but that is a long story
and not a happy one

so, by circumstances
for some reason
that I won't bore you with
just family issues
I will have to get back
in the closet
for a week
to protect my family

And I am a nervous wreck
about it, (just got of the phone,
with my mother in law and now it's
a lot better) She told me not to
worry, to just be carefull
and just be me.

I told her I can do that.
But hey, I am a Dutchie
and gay, and 150% out
so it will probably cause
me some trouble!
she said she will save me
if I do!(big smile)

Earlier my Honey
tried to comfort me
and told me it will all be OK
but ya know,
were apart from each other
months, and then the few
weeks we are together
all I want, is be me.

Gay, and in love.
she was very happy
with that and OK with
me being gay............(grin)
she better be........

So 'll be back in
in the closet so to speak
for a week, being
carefully gay,
that will be a whole other
experience............

I am coming out again.

Books, Books? Books!!!!

I've read two really impressive
books while laying in bed sick
between my "trying to feel better" naps
I usually read, watching TV is
going to fast when I am sick
so reading a book is easier
I can fall asleep on it
and when I wake
the story is still there
where I left off

the first one I borrowed
from my colleague Mark
it's called " a lady steps into a doctors office"
it's in dutch and its about inflammatory breast cancer
written out of view from her cheating husband
it's a true story, at age 36 she dies........
but it's fascinating to read
what the ups and downs are
and how the doctor missed the
breast cancer the first time........

the second book,
I bought a while ago
planning on reading it on the plane
on my way home for Christmas
not planning on getting sick in the meanwhile
but oh well I find another one to read
for on the plane

the second one
is written by a lesbian writer
it's fiction based on truth
and really funny
and recognizable
it's about love between two girls
and how that can get ugly and go wrong
and about her dying mom
that she takes care of
the book is called "make me happy"

I still think it's funny
how other people when they get sick
stare at the TV for days
just so they don't have to think
and how I never really read
with exception when I am on a plane
and I pick up a book
breath deep and read...................
fall asleep, and read some more........

BLOG #200!!

wow........time flies
and words too
when I just let them out
and before you know it
there it is.........number 200

rather i share with you guys
that I am miserable, happy, sick
or amused or upset about anything
it just comes out of my hands without
thinking about it
it just happens

today even without thinking
today I am a snot head
and called in sick today
my brain is dripping in
a skull filled with snot
not able to respond rationally
on anything

A huge bucket full of tissues filled
with brain fluids
next to my bed
and my nightstand filled
with medicine which don't help
anyway, but the producer of cold meds
thanks me for trying...

my voice is raspy
like I am 75 years old
and my biggest friend has been
a bottle of rum for the last 40 years
my breathing is squeaky and deep

and my brain is trying to get
out of this filled with snot skull
banging against my forehead
from the inside out
to create some more room
to fill it up even more

with other words
thank you for reading my blogs
200 times
I hope it's still enjoyed
no matter what state I am in
and I want to share many more
all be good and in good health
till next time.........

will that be tomorrow?
blog # 201

just there..........

Staring at this white screen
so much to write, so little to tell,
thoughts and feelings
peace full and screaming
all running

too personal to write down
too "out there" to keep quiet
too torn, too divided too united

still not done talking,
but not ready to write,
not ready to tell yet,
all done to share

words, feelings, pain.
love, frustration, care.
I know it doesn't make sense
It does to me
that's what counts

back to staring at this white screen
so much to write, so little to tell
so much to scream from the top of my lungs
so little to keep quiet and put away in
a dark corner in the back of my mind.

it hurts,
not ready to share,
too personal, not important enough
to write about,
just there, in the back of my mind
on the top of my head
at the tip of my tongue
pushed away in the back of my mind

just there............

Waiting for a good day

I love winters,
hate cold, but love the snow.
Hate cold winds, but love it
when it's freezing cold.
dressed up to fight it
and walk into a warm
house with your cheeks
turning red.

Winter isn't really kicking
in yet, but it is on it's way!
Unlike other "summer babies"
like me, I am looking forward for
winter to kick in.
To wear my knitted caps,
and warm, snugly jackets again.

I am waiting for that good winter day.
When dry snow is falling from the sky.
Temperature is around freezing, and the
wind put her head to rest.
When you step out, and the crunching snow
below your feet is welcoming you out
to a whole new world.

where trees heavily breath
under the weight of snow,
and the peaceful silence is
breathing down on me.
Ducks trying to walk on ice,
to get to some food on shore.
And the funny sound of other ducks
laughing at one, ice-skating.

I am waiting for that good winters day.
If I am not going to get it here,
I know somehow I will get it when
I go back home, home to Minnesota.
Minnesota giving me a white Christmas.
And that peace full feeling of the perfect winters day.

I am waiting for a good day.

saying what needs to be said

You know the feeling?
getting so frustrated,
by things you know,
but can't say?
by people who say things
about you, that are based on
lies and brain rags?

frustration is building..........

everybody got things to hide
when people sometimes talk
to me, they add the sentence;
I am telling you this but you can't tell so and so
that frustrates me
I don't want to know things
I can't say, or can't tell!

when people talk about me to others,
that frustrates me even more,
even tho I know, they will stick up for me,
I feel helpless, get frustrated,
and inside I start raging,
getting mad, for some reason this is my
biggest reason for getting frustrated.

I don't want to know secrets
or gossips or brain rags........
my frustration is still building...........

then Sunday night comes,
time to spend with my Honey,
we talk, have fun, play some online games,
watch each other on web cam,
then it's time to go sleep,
and BAM!
my frustrations explode!

I start crying and don't see
the good things in life any more,
but what is really going on and causing it?
I can't see that at that moment.
right now, I can, right now,
I know where it came from.......

I got NO secrets for my Honey,
not even one, nothing, she knows
every dark corner of me.
maybe that's why,
I take it out on her.
I got it off my chest now,
and she understood.
Like she always does,
my girl got the biggest heart!
You know the feeling?
getting so frustrated?

Some good some bad

Some good Some bad things today
starting with the goods
I had a really good day at
work today, that always nice
and rare.

worked my ass off and
I managed to get to my target
I won't bore you with the details
but I am happy about it

Other good thing is
finally after wanting it badly
for a couple of years now
I finally found someone
that will teach me how to play
the guitar, for free, thats the best part

Some more good things,
my weekend began today!
that's always a pleasure
some more.......I woke up healthy,
have a woman who loves me to death,
and feel loved and blessed.

Some bad things too,
my girl is sick and I can't take
care of her........makes me feel
guilty and helpless.

It rained cats and dogs today
after work, got home soaked
and cranky.
Some good Some bad things today..........

She got it all!!

The wife of my favorite Rock star,
is happy she became a mom, again.

she got it all, she wrote her blog
4 healthy kids, money enough
to feed half of the world population,
4 cars, the love of her life by her side,
every day...........

I'm happy for Tammy that she got it all!
the love of her life.........wealth, happiness,
four cars.......wow............
still some are struggling just to be together.
we count the days to finally be together for only a few weeks every year.
living from phone call to phone call............
getting lottery tickets to make that
million dollars so president bush will let me be with the one I love........
working both our asses off,
still happy for Tammy, :-D
I just want to be with my girl to be completely happy.
just wanted to share..............

Forward.......

Normally I would never
do this, but I know more
people read my blog then
I got email addy's from
and some things you just
need to share.

This was a forward
that I got and I felt it
is worth sharing.........


As we grow up,
we learn that even the one person
that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken
probably more than once
and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt
when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love
for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time
is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually
lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you've
never been hurt
because every sixty seconds
you spend upset is a minute of happiness
you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.

~anonymous~

Global warming.....

It worries me
you can see nature
being upset with us

the warmest winter in
almost 100 years
the wettest summer
in 120 years

It's November,
almost winter
and it's still not cold
outside here.

the climate is changing
dramatically
the world is upset
I realized it when
I saw "an Inconvenient truth"

after that one you see
everything differently
and you start paying attention

when the weather guy
tells you " it was so nice out, it was really
warm for this time of year"

and I worry some more
I am not a health freak,
or anything like it
I still use my laptop,
and I still use a plane to fly home,
(my angel wings won't work on that distance(i know corny))

but I also watch the
electricity that I use,
and the water use,
I get on bike whenever I can
instead of using my car.

I don't throw out batteries,
and I recycle, not everything
I am honest, but I try.

It scares me the Global warming

Lies in nice Wrappers

The whole world is going
crazy over politics
now even my girl is
writing about it.
It's good and it's the
truth.
And I vote, and I
understand the importance
of it.
But man isn't boring?

An Old group of people
in suits or tight dresses?
most of them grey
and wrinkled
and saying things
you think you want to hear
but it's never really what
you hoped for?

It's another lie,
with a really nice
wrapper and a bow.

I was happy with my box.
The box my baby sent to me.
No lies in there,
just love, scents and brownies
and an awesome love letter.

Truth wrapped up
in a plain brown box
but bringing so much
more joy
Then the lies in nice Wrappers

Funny thing........the Internet

It's a funny thing
the Internet
you make friends
you never really know
or even meet

you loose some
and make some new
you laugh, fight, cry,
get hurt, make up
and talk again

they're real but they're not
cyber friends I call them
the ones I've never met
but still feel like long time friends

It's easier to say things
and easier to get into a fight

One I NEVER considered to be
my friend
I got fed up with tonight
I gave her a huge blow out
in front of 20 other cyber "friends"
I think she got the message this time

Others that haven't talked to me
for like 2 years
Are happy to being able to talk to me
again.
One even said, It's so Awesome to
being able to talk to you again.

Cyber friends, friends they
come and go, some stay, some don't
some stay strangers, some become friends,
some you meet, most you don't
like a mixed bowl they come together
in one life

some touch you're soul, most don't
with one I fell in love, with that one I still am.
Some will never met, some will never leave.
I am grateful, the one that I've met
will never leave..........
funny thing, the Internet

Black furrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and purrrrrr

Her body
pushed against me
her black nose
shiny and small
sniffing the air

her black fur
cleaned and groomed
her bright golden almond
shaped eyes
looking at me
purring and asking
for my touch

when I do
she raises her head up
and her little vampire
teeth are visible
on her black skin
and her pink lips

her head so small
it fits in the palm
of my hand
her little black feet
with dark brown
almost black toes
are digging the blanket
and showing her
enjoyment

this is girls time
just me and her
the boys are sleeping
downstairs
sharing the couch
the girls are upstairs
sharing the bed

after she is
satisfied with me
petting her
she stretches and
sits up
careful and precise
washing herself

this ritual takes her
about an hour
even tho she is
the smallest one
of all
it takes her the
longest to get clean

she stretches again
she looks at me
with her golden eyes
and pushes her body
against mine
to stay warm for
night.

Together to stay.......

oh baby I know the pain
as well as you do,
how can something so right
be kept apart for so long.

This pain will fade
only for us to be together,
but you're worth the wait
and the pain.
I can't wait till the day
we're together to stay,
without the goodbyes
and the broken hearts all over again.

If I would have to choose,
between the pain,
or never being with you
I would do it all over again.
The lonely nights,
the summer days without
your hand in mine.

The hard parts of life,
and the good stuff.
Being without you,
makes me feel like
a candle without the flame.

I refuse to accept,
for us not being together.
It keeps me strong and brave,
willing to fight and to keep going.
Your love keeps me save
and complete.

someday.............someday........
I believe someday we will be
together to stay................

changing seasons

Looking forward
for another year
to end
even tho
it will be a little
before that day is here

somehow
a new beginning
every year
starts over
into a new
I will be
with my girl
some things
won't ever change

the days
are shorter now
they start a little
sooner and they
end as quick
day light is
hard to catch
nighttime
seems so much
longer

I am waiting
for new life
new nature
flowers and trees
the wild will
come to life again
I can't wait
for the spring
to start

first winter
has to knock
us down
with cold weather
rain and winds
maybe snow
the ending of
this years new life

the new year
Xmas first
family time
together in harmony
I will be save
and warm
and loved
I love changing seasons

so close tho so far away

the happiness
seeing her angel face
after a week
makes me
cry

tears rolling
down my cheeks
missing her
more then ever
before

the softness
the love
the passion
all to read
in her amazing eyes

almost 5000 miles
apart
and our love
is right there

for us both
to feel
so close
tho so far away

Not Friends

some people,
they sneak into your life
pretending
to be good and honest
but when you turn
you got stabbed
in the back

painful and hard
bleeding from the heart
drops hitting you're shoe
and you loose faith
and trust
in mankind
in people
in friends

parasites I call them
they stick to you
with their good manors
and friendly words
with love and devotion
honesty and always smiling

they suck you dry
relay on you
to do it for them
and they come up with excuses
that we in our innocent minds
didn't even think off

I cut them loose
from my skin
with a hot sharp knife
the bloodsuckers
I cut them loose
they crawl back

they keep entering my life
discussions with my loved one
her point of view
comparing with mine
she sees their good sides
I am passed that
Only see the parasite

to me
they're not friends
just parasites
NOT friends.....
just my point of view,
Not friends